Sunday, October 6, 2013

Maybe I'm smart...but I still have a lot to learn

Kelly Clarkson bloopers





Link to my AudioBoo




Can I just talk about the under appreciation of the onion ring for a minute? I love onions. Always have. But I can’t eat them because I have nasty reflux. But an occasional onion ring doesn’t bug me too much. But you would think that fast food has given up on the onion ring because I don’t know of too many places that have them. Granted I don’t do much fast food, but I can remember maybe Sonic and Burger King having them. And who in the heck knows where a BK is these days? Not I said this reflux having white girl.

Some other random thoughts before I get into the serious thoughts in my head.

Did you know that a lot of Maple Syrup comes from Canada? I figured maybe it would come from Africa. Because it comes from trees. And Africa has jungles. Which means they have trees. So it would make sense that they produce syrup. But no. It’s Canada and some states around here.

Did you know that the vent in the bathroom is to absorb moisture? I had no clue until this week. I noticed that Amber would turn on the vent in the bathroom when she would shower. And I never understood why. I always thought that the vent was for when you made the bathroom stink. But NO! It’s to absorb moisture so you don’t get mold. I feel really dumb admitting that I had no idea.

I’ve noticed that Justin Bieber duck tape is the only duck tape on clearance at Target. Why is this? Is peacock design duck tape more popular than Justin Bieber duck tape? I don’t understand.

And I noticed this on Buzzfeed last night and I’ve yet to google it. What are the stringy things on bananas? They’re super thin sometimes, or thick and gross others. Is it part of the peel that stayed attached? Or is it something that grew in there that doesn’t belong? And why is it that when I buy bananas, they go brown faster than when other people buy them? I thought that if you took the bundle apart and let each banana live on it’s own, it would last longer. But I’m seeing that this isn’t always the case. So what is it exactly? How do you keep bananas edible for more than a day or two?

I did the Big Gay wedding last night. I think it went OK.  Sometimes the gays can be a tough crowd, but these guys were pretty cool. But I started realizing towards the end of the night that something is up with my external hard drive. When I would play one song and load whatever was to come next, it would slow down the tempo of what was playing. So I guess I need to back up my back up? I’ve never really used external memory before, so I don’t know what’s going on. But, as Kellie Rasberry would say, I guaran-damn-tee to figure it out.

My sister Samantha and brother in law Orlando came in for a visit last week. Mrs. Pacheco is putting her house on the market, so they came in to tie up all the loose ends in getting the house ready for that. It was great to see them again because I’ve missed them. But it wasn’t good telling them goodbye again. I felt like such a jerk for just losing it when she hugged me goodbye. I don’t want to put any guilt on her for moving to Hawaii. They’re happy out there and it’s their chance to start over and make new memories, so it’s pretty selfish of me to cry because I miss them. But I’m human. And I truly do miss my sister and Orlando. I’m pretty close to Samantha. She’s younger than me, but she has her head on straight and she’s got maturity about her that I whole-heartedly respect. You know how you have certain best friends in your life that you sort-of categorize. Amber is not only my GF, but she’s also that person I feel like I can tell anything and everything to. And she might not agree with my feelings or thoughts, but I always feel better telling her what’s going on in my head. Keith is the best friend who is fun to hang out with and dance with and that kind of stuff. And I can tell him a lot of stuff about what’s going on in my world, but it’s tougher these days because he travels a lot and is in New York and I rarely see him. Steve is my straight guy best friend who is supportive no matter what. I can also tell him just about anything and he will find a way to back me in it. He’s got a wife and baby in his life, but I know that if I needed him, he would do what he could to be there. Christy is my best lesbian friend who I think is beautiful, but I’m not at all attracted to. And that’s not an insult or anything. That’s just the way it is. When we are together, we can be absolute TROUBLE. It’s what we do. And before our friendship was more of a surface thing with hey how’s it going and we could talk about BIG issues in life. But lately it’s stepped up a bit. We actually talk on the phone… which is something I do with very few people, and it’s cool. She’s a successful OBGYN in Austin and I don’t see her nearly enough, but I know that she knows I love her despite that fact. And If I was half as successful as her and didn’t do DJ work on the side to make extra money, I’d be down there every weekend I wasn’t going to see Amber. B.J. was my best straight guy friend who I knew I could trust completely if I ever needed him. He was fun to hang out with, go drink with, watch fly his little remote control helicopters. He was comfortable enough with me to walk around in a towel after a shower. And it was whatever. I knew that with his I had nothing to worry about, and that’s hard to come by with straight guys. And then there’s my sister. She’s the clear-headed, tell it like it is person that I can call at 4 in the morning and have a guttural crying fit. She will listen, tell me an honest opinion, and help guide me through whatever I need to do to make things better. She will tell me if my thoughts on whatever are stupid or misguided. I just trust her completely and I think she does me, too. And since we’re sisters, it would be easy to blow each other off and have that sibling rivalry thing going, but since we’ve grown up, that’s never been an issue. And I’ve had the opportunity to explain to her why I did certain things the way I did when we were little. I’ve never been a selfish person…at least not too terribly selfish…and I think that with explanation of things, she sees that. So we have a sisterly bond as well as a friendly bond and I’m really glad for that. It’s weird having to calculate the 5-hour time difference when I want to call or text or whatever. Usually when I wake up for work, she’s just barely going to bed. And when I’m finished at work, she might not even be awake yet. But we’re making the best of it. And knowing that she’s happy is comforting to me. I guess since Ethan passed away, I know the burden they’ve dealt with in being pressured to have another baby and every place they go being a painful reminder of what they did with Ethan at that place before. And I know from experience that it is exhausting. I still haven’t gone to Pei Wei because I would not be able to not having Ethan with me. He loved their kids lo-mein. It was a messy meal, but who cares. That’s what wet wipes are for. When he was littler, I would take him in his car seat and let him sleep and just stare in amazement at this perfect being who brought so much to my life. He was truly perfect. Innocent and not jaded and happy and everything you could ever want in a baby. I cannot remember one single crying fit from that baby. And I spent a LOT of time with him. He would cry a little when he would wake up hungry, but he loved to sleep on me, so he didn’t have to cry too hard or too long before I would take care of him. He truly opened my heart up to accept the fact that unconditional love DOES exist. And with that lesson, I’ve learned that it’s not just a feeling you have with babies. It goes beyond that. People can down right suck and you can be mad at them and want to punch them or choke them or knock some sense into their head. They can do or say hurtful things as we all do. But that doesn’t justify losing the love that you have for them. Ethan taught me that. And I think the idea of unconditional love is what drives me. I want to be loved unconditionally. And I want to give that back. It’s strange that a two and a half year old taught me so much. But he did and I’m thankful for that.

Honestly when Ethan was born, I wasn’t happy. I can’t use names or anything, but I was in a relationship that I knew wasn’t right for me. But Ethan was born a few weeks after that began and he grew attached to her. And I felt like I owed it to him to keep the people who he loved in his life. Looking back I wish I hadn’t. Because I’m sure that a happy Tia Shanon would have been much better for him. Hindsight is so clear, isn’t it? Why would I allow someone who pushed me while I was holding him to be a part of my life? I don’t know. And I get so mad at myself for being weak and giving into guilt and staying in that situation. But at the end of the day, no other person in this world could take away from the love I had with him. I jus wish that I had not allowed them to take so much out of me when I could have been giving that to him.

I’m working this out in my head as I go people. Bear with me. Ethan was cremated instead of buried. Sam and Orlando did that so that Ethan could be with them no matter where their journey took them. They brought him back with them during their visit and I’ve gotta say that saying goodbye to that beautiful box with the ashes of my baby in it was awful. The night before they left everyone was in the back room watching the Rangers game. SO I snuck out and sat on the living room couch with him for a bit. And I tell him up in Heaven how much I love and miss him all the time. But I had the opportunity to hold him in my lap and speak to his remains and to him in Heaven at the same time. It was painful. He would have been 5 on December 19 of this year. Time for big boy school. I would have picked him up from school a day or two a week. In fact, I wanted to get a 2 door Accord when I bought a new car. But I went with my CX-5 in case my sister got pregnant again. It’s more practical to have a baby in a bigger vehicle that sits up higher and has 4 doors than having to crawl through a two-door car. But anyway. I can tell you exactly what I was doing when I told Samantha that I wanted to be active in his school life. I was painting the baseboards in the house I rented from Big Al. The hallway. Right by the water heater door. She told me that they wanted to put him in school at Holy Trinity Catholic. I was so excited about being a part of his life in every aspect possible. It didn’t work out that way and I guess I’m really still not over it. Time passes, but the feelings don’t go away. And life does go on, but it’s not the same. And I’m not saying that life isn’t fantastic…it’s just different.

And with the loss of the love of my life, I’ve learned some important lessons. I don’t take worthy relationships for granted. Because time isn’t promised, so we might as well make the most of it. And I’m sure it’s not really easy to deal with me and the love that I have to give. When I love, I love HARD. Because if anything were to happen to me today or tomorrow or a week from now, I would hope that those I love would have zero question in their mind. And in my opinion part of loving someone is accepting the good with the bad. And always wanting more. More conversations and more texts and more Face time or Skype calls. Even if it’s at a time where you’re too tired to carry on a conversation. Just to BE and feel CONTENT listening to that person breathe is enough. I’ve tried to start sending texts to the important people in my life to say, “hey, just thinking about you” or “miss you” or “love you” or whatever the case might be. I think that knowing that you’re top of mind to another person says so much. To think of them and want to let them know that they’re on your mind without prompt from them is a big deal. It makes me think of the Love Letter to Kellie this week where the wife was tired of having to ask the husband to do stuff around the house. Why wouldn’t he just do it without being asked? Call me high maintenance, but I can see where the woman’s frustration comes from. Amber’s friend Tracy is really good about sending a text telling me to have an awesome day in the mornings. And it means a lot to me because I didn’t send her a text before hand. She thought of me. And I think that’s a pretty awesome place to stand in someone’s mind. And I hope this makes some sense. When Amber sends me a text that simply says “Hey” it makes my heart beat faster. Because in spite of work and kids and a charity she’s doing and all that other stuff, she wanted me to know that I was on her mind. And it makes my day better knowing that. So, I guess the moral of this story is…make sure the people in your life know that they’re on your mind. Even if it’s a simple text with an Emoji smiley face. It means more than you know, so don’t be shy about it. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

So, I’ve been trying to come up with some rules to live by. And I’ve got a few so far. But I want to think of more easy things to remember because we have short attention spans and easy is better. So here’s what I got.

-       Never let your pride stand in the way of a sincere, owed apology. Apologizing does not make you weak. It shows your strength in recognizing your faults. So never be ashamed to admit when you’re wrong and to try and make it right. It builds your character and also means a lot to the person or persons you apologize to. At least that’s how I see it.

-       Love with all you have to give. Don’t hold back. I already talked about this    earlier, but it’s on my list of life lessons I try to live by.

-       Show gratitude. At the end of the day, nobody owes any of us a damn thing. When a person goes out of their way to do something nice for you, show your gratitude. Send a thank you note. Or give them a huge hug and say thank you in their ear where only they can hear it.

-       Don’t be afraid of giving second chances. And sometimes even third chances. People screw up. A lot. And you’re going to get hurt by pretty much everyone you care about. It’s part of life. But take the time to see beyond their screw up and ask yourself “is this a reflection of who they really are?” Or was it just a huge eff up? Don’t let the same person hurt you over and over and over again. I’m not saying that. But look into the relationship you’ve built with that person and make a conscious decision if what they’ve done is worth throwing it all away. Take the time to be pissed off and cry it out…but don’t just write someone off if they deserve another shot.

- Pay it forward. Plain and simple. You get what you give. You give what you get.    Never forget that.

-       If you’re ever overwhelmed and need to just scream at the top of your lungs or cry or just get it all out, your car is your space. You can scream while you drive. You can park somewhere and cry. Holding stuff in does no one any good. In fact, it’s harmful to your health. So don’t be afraid of looking like a weirdo driving down the street screaming. Who cares what the people on the road think. It’s good for your heart and your head. So take advantage of that.

-       You hear about people who do yoga all the time and boast about it’s greatness. I’m new to it. I only do it in my living room. But it really does ease the stressors of life. I’d recommend it to anyone. I’m using it as a stress reliever and to loosen up my body before I try and officially become a runner. It feels awesome. Give it a try.

This is really long. I guess I just kind of vomit out words once I get on a roll. Sorry if this has been redundant in regards to past posts. And I really appreciate your taking the time to read it AND any feedback you can give. Maybe you can teach me something I’ve not considered. I’m open to any ideas that might lead to a calm, fulfilling life. SO go on and bring it!

Love you guys,

Shanon

13 comments:

  1. Thank for opening up and sharing! Lots of thought and made me think. Thank you, and keep the blog coming!

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  2. Love reading your blogs! I've been a listener and a fan of the show for 8 yrs. Love hearing updates about your life and even just your random thoughts! I enjoy reading your blogs because they are interesting. Many of them have made me boo hoo cry like this one but that is okay because you touch people more than you know. Don't stop ever blogging! Love u shanon! :-)

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  3. WoW!! I wish I could HUG you, there is so much grief still in your heart, but take comfort in what you have already accomplished, your family and the people who loves you, in the end that is the only things that matter. Happy thoughts !!!!

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  4. Excellent first reveal. You are as "deep" as you are hilarious. Once in awhile, try to text Amber or Tracy first. They'll enjoy it like you do.

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  5. Seriously? Can you get any cooler? Thanks for sharing.

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  6. Yoga is extremely good for you - if you can do it the rest of your life, it will really help. Don't go crazy w/doing it all - the positions you can will be fine.

    If they have an Outback franchise in DFW - try the Bloomin' Onion. It's a giant onion ring. Here comes a heads up w/affection NOT just correction: you should break up huge paragraphs a little (which you did elsewhere here) & it's "duct" not duck.

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  7. Shannon, You are such a SPECIAL PERSON! Even though I don't know you, I love you. I too have had the sorrow of someone taken all to soon from this earth and it truly sculpts you into the person you are suppose to be. Life is short and we need to enjoy every breath God gives us. Just want you to know that whatever life brings you, you will never be alone.. you have soooo many people who love you, think about you and pray for you.. :)

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  8. I love your blog so much Shannon! And I feel like I can really relate to most of the things you talk about even though we live totally different lives. I'm a car screamer when life gets to be too much... my best friend and I have done this since high school... no idea where it came from, but screaming F*CK at the top of your lungs, in your car where no one can hear you really does help from time to time.... sometimes cuss words are just needed lol.

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  9. Hi Shanon, this has nothing to do with anything except I thought Miley was saying RAINBOW, too! I just realized it like two days ago! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Hee hee hee!

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  10. If Ethan taught you that much in his short special life maybe his job was done..

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