Wednesday, February 26, 2014

This one might make you think

I don’t consider my body to be an old one, but I do think I have an old soul to some extent. I’ve always been a caretaker. To an absolute fault. I have always been willing to allow other people to chip away at my livelihood and suck every ounce of me out of my being. Stupid. I know this. But there is a time in a persons life where reflection becomes key. Actually learning from your mistakes becomes a true value in your life and you recognize that all of your past mistakes were just that. Mistakes. And it’s on you if you continue to tumble down the same path over and over again, always landing in the same thorn patch, but expecting the thorns to get softer over time.

Then reality hits. That’s not how life goes AT ALL. If you live in Texas, the thorns probably get stiffer and the piercings hurt worse every time because the heat just dries up every droplet of moisture they used to hold. The life is sucked out of them and they’re dead inside and only good for one thing. Inflicting pain on you. You can get mad at the thorns at the bottom of the hill every day of your life, but that’s what they are. Thorns. Meant to protect what’s underneath no matter how deep they have to get under your skin.

There’s really no cryptic meaning behind this blog. I guess the fact of the matter is that at this point in my life, I’ve learned the value of an honest and sincere apology. An “I’m sorry” that’s not said flippantly with some underlying motivation behind it. A selfless apology to someone it’s owed to. Not so that they will becomes your BFF again. Not even so they will give you another thought again. But a heartfelt apology given simply because you owe them that.

Here’s the part that sucks about getting to a point in your life where you can swallow your pride and finally give that honest, sincere apology. Sometimes there’s a point of no return. Let’s face it. Life goes on. Period. End of story. It’s like when you’re a kid and you stay home sick from school one day. Your mom takes you to the drug store for meds and you’re shocked that life actually exists when you’re supposed to be sitting in a classroom. When we lose someone, time doesn’t stop ticking no matter how much you want it to. I know that I’ve found myself pretty ticked off at the world for going on after some of the losses in life, but that’s on me. Getting mad at the rest of the world fordoing what they’re supposed to do is just stupid and a total waste of energy. So why even bother?

I’m such a girl. I know how easy it is to get caught up in emotions and what if’s and shoulda, woulda, coulda. It’s all a bunch of BS. It changes nothing. Obsessing over it is nothing more than self-sabotage. It’s pretty amazing what having hit after hit after hit in life can make you open your eyes to see. I see the value in the people that I choose to keep around. I see that the people I choose to block out of my life don’t deserve my time or attention. Making that choice did come with some serious soul searching and, of course, guilt. But I can’t sacrifice my self worth for the sake of praying that other people will finally open their eyes and see who I really believe myself to be.

Needless to say this though process has led to a lot of time alone. That’s good for the soul though, right? The journal I keep has probably saved my life. I’m human. I’ve admitted my darkest thoughts before. I truly believe that sometimes I’m incapable of letting anyone else understand me. But again that’s what life is about. Seeing your flaws, dealing with them in your own head, and making the conscious choice to make the changes necessary in your life to keep the cycle from repeating.

Again, this is just a train of thought I’ve had lately. It’s directed at no one in particular. It’s funny how people read this stuff and have the ego to assume it’s about them. For all I know sometimes they’re right. I’m human and sometimes I fail to connect the dots. And then I get hated on and all the stuff that comes with making someone look in the mirror. Cuz guess what? If I read a blog and someone was talking about a purple haired 6 foot tall clown nosed prostitute, I wouldn’t assume it was me because I can look in the mirror and recognize that none of it fits. But if someone wrote about an insecurely secure 5 foot 5 freckle faced white girl, it might cause me to reflect and relate. It’s like I wrote on my FB page the other day. Idiots are going to be idiots no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise. Sometimes we are dumb enough to give into the fa├žade and to believe the long string of lies that come out of their mouth. You live and you learn (hopefully) that those POS people aren’t worth your energy. It’s wasted. You might as well go stare at the sun and wait for Elvis to come and do a private concert for you. WASTED. And that whole life is about the journey thing is true. It is about the journey and the things you learn on the way to the destination. But even more importantly it’s even more about what you choose to do with what you learn. Do you ignore it? Do you use it to avoid the same mistakes again? Do you push it aside, expect that it will change over time, and then fall into the same thorn bush again? Life really is too short for that (I’m about to cuss…sorry) COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULLS**T!  Take it from someone who feels like crap every day now because of my stupid surgery. I’ve never felt great, but I’ve never in my life gone to bed feeling like this for months on end before. It’s going to be this way for a while. That’s the reality of it. So what do I do with that? Do I go to bed earlier so that maybe I will be asleep before the worst of it hits? No because I’m not that smart. But here’’s a little peek inside of what’s left of my brain.

I sit in my bed and feel like crap. I ache. I want to throw up. My head hurts. I’m dizzy. It just effing sucks. I could give into the here and now and say screw this…I’m supposed to accept feeling this way for up to a year after the surgery? I don’t have the energy for that. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t have the energy for that. It’s been really hard for me to put off the simplest things so that I don’t kill myself in this recovery. I want to be able to do a 5K and not get winded or tired. But as it is now, I can’t keep enough food down to even get up and down my stairs without getting winded and tired. I have to stop midway up every single time because that’s the stare of my body. Now what? I will tell you now what. I sit and I think about the times when I was happy. When I was working out every single day and felt like more than this tub of goo. I tell myself that those days are not gone and I use that as something to look forward to. It’s the small things in life and the value that you put on them that can really make or break your spirit in the end. I’d be lying if I said that my spirit was all here because it’s not. I’m feeling defeated beyond anything I think I deserve. And I keep telling myself that good things are coming because I am a good person. When I have the energy for it, my heart is full of give a sh*t. The day will come when I can get back to the path I know is meant for me, but for now I’ve just had to take a little detour. And I truly believe that even though I had given myself a deadline for making big changes in my life…and that day has come and gone and I’m still right here…that things are working out the way they are supposed to. In the end I will look back on my journey and feel confident that I took it the best way I knew how. And maybe even showed and help a few others find their path along the way. That’s a pretty perfect destination, don’t you think??

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Wanna help with the show??

Hey guys! Maybe you’ve realized by now that this show doesn’t do itself. And I can’t have Alex the Intern getting more airtime than me. So let’s do some bits. My brain has so many ideas in it, but I need your help making this stuff happen.

Hello friends. I've got a couple of ideas that I need your help on.
I need senior citizens I can turn to for random stuff. Maybe I can get their opinions on pop culture. Maybe they can recite lyrics to dirty songs for me. Maybe they can watch viral videos and do a play-by-play type thing. A retirement home mole? Or maybe they have a love story that the world needs to hear. You get the idea. I need dependable senior citizens. PRIVATE MESSAGE ME if you can set me up with someone.

Does your loved one need an intervention? Not a serious one for drugs or alcohol or anything. Maybe they're addicted to an app. Maybe it's a stupid TV show. You get it? I'm not a pro, but we can make a bit out of it. PRIVATE MESSAGE ME the info.

I would like to learn Spanish without having to pay for Rosetta Stone or whatever. Do you know someone who is fluent, has a good sense of humor, and lots of time on their hands? PRIVATE MESSAGE ME.

Something that I’ve never really had to deal with because I come to work at 4AM and leave by 1 at the latest is TRAFFIC. It’s horrible in some parts of town. There must be something I can do with either the construction workers standing around adjusting their junk or people sitting in traffic or SOMETHING.  Maybe like a road rage radio bit or something. What would you enjoy hearing in this situation? Or is it just dumb?

I need to get back into this DJ thing. I FINALLY have speakers, so I can do jobs and not have to borrow stuff! Whoo hoo!! In order to book stuff, I need to market myself. If you were me, what would you do?

Thursday, February 13, 2014


I figured I should at least share a couple pics. The top one is post surgical scrub junk. I am so seriously nauseated. The second os from the day before. Apparently I'm a dyslexic uploader. Sorry.

And some other random stuff.

It’s odd to me how people get so excited about a Facebook friend sweep. Really people. It’s just Facebook for crying out loud. It’s not like you’re going to be blood brothers just because you’re FB friends. And then they get on and post about how lucky you are if you survived the cut. Go ahead and unfriend me if you want to. It’s really OK. I know that there is a life outside of the number of FB friends I have.

At the same time, though, is there anything more upsetting than when someone denies your friend request? It’s like a punch in the gut because it IS just FB. And you’re not worthy of that one simple click of the mouse? That’s rejection at it’s finest and I don’t appreciate it.

And now onto Valentine's Day. 

Days like Valentine’s Day can almost be considered traumatizing. It’s like a giant slap in the face for us losers who just can’t seem to make a relationship work. And you look around at the other people in this world who do have a significant other and all you can s ay is WTF? There’s got to be some ulterior motive behind some people being together. Like the seriously unattractive person hooked up with a hottie. WTF? Or the former convict who needs a ride down to the courthouse and her man is happy to be that person. WTF. I’m just not going to think about it because it makes me almost suicidal. Seriously. So I choose to be oblivious.

The 5 Worst Relationships on Valentine's Day

1. The OK Cupid Relationship
Online dating sites are responsible for tons of successful relationships. Most of my friends have met their significant others on OK Cupid or Match or Tinder (but seriously, if you met on Tinder, don't tell anyone). All of the success is good and well, but odds are you'll simply force yourself to go on multiple dates with someone just because they are normal compared to the sea of weirdos who flood your inbox. Example: Last time I used OK Cupid, the following was one of the messages in my inbox: "Hello! I'd like to get to know you. This morning I lapped milk from a bowl like a kitten, but that was the most interesting thing I did today. What about you?" Taking that winning intro into consideration, along with screen names like "blackmeat84" and "want4u2luvme," pretty much anyone on a dating website with a job, basic hygiene and common manners seems worthy of a second date. DON'T DO IT. Especially not on Valentine's Day. You'll trick yourself into liking someone just because they're OK with Cupid (get it?). That, or you'll have a stage five clinger on your hands come February 15th. Trust me, newfound online interests are pretty much the worst things in which to involve yourself on Valentine's Day. Do yourself a favor and avoid the awkwardness by pretending you didn't see their text.
2. The Ex Relationship
Ending a relationship shortly before Valentine's Day makes February 14th switch from being a hokey Hallmark holiday to a distressing evening that you spend imagining your former loved one cuddled up to a desperate wannabe. Or just a nice girl whom you can't help but hate. But she's probably awful. Anyways, I think the only month during which you should be allowed to break up with someone is May. That way, you have the whole summer to get over the person -- and you're naturally happier when you aren't a winter hermit. By the time February arrives, ex who? Really, at all costs, avoid breaking up with someone November 1 - February 13. It's just not worth it.
3. The Frielashionship
A friend-relationship mash up is just the definition of complicated in February. Odds are, one person likes the other way more seriously than the other likes them. Two years ago, I learned the hard way that I can't just ignore the signs that a male friend likes me and expect him to act like a normal person on Valentine's Day. I got a red heart-shaped vase with two dozen roses delivered to my apartment. First of all, kudos to the delivery guy who climbed the six flights of stairs leading to my old walk-up in Manhattan. Secondly, what was I supposed to say to my friend? "Thanks for the flowers, but I'd rather be single than date you -- isn't it obvious?" I mean, there's really no good response. I said "thanks for the flowers," and then never saw him again. We clearly weren't the best of friends, but still -- Valentine's Day will surely ruin any sign of friendship with someone who wants to be more, so go ahead and clear all of that up before February 14th. Rip off the Band-Aid.
4. The Imaginary Relationship
No better day than Valentine's Day to remind you that this relationship is 100% in your head. Snap out of it! I don't care if this is an office crush, a celebrity obsession or your second cousin. You don't have a chance of ever feeling their perfect arms that you've creepily studied wrap around you. They are not subtly flirting, they aren't playing hard to get and they don't wish you'd make a move. Get your mind in check before Valentine's Day so that you don't suffer a pseudo-broken heart. Particularly if this person already has a special somebody... no relationship is worse than the one where you can't accept the truth. Pull yourself together!
5. The Undefined Relationship
An undefined relationship is generally not a lasting relationship. Take it from me. If you've been "together" for months and he still refuses to call you his girlfriend, then you're in for some emotional trauma. Ben & Jerry better be waiting in your freezer, because they are the only men who will make plans with you on Valentine's Day. If someone has a fear of commitment, Valentine's Day is sure to ensue panic. They'd rather jump in a pool of snakes than take part in this loaded date night, so you might want to call a spade a spade before their disappearance surprises you (which it shouldn't).
Godspeed, and Happy Valentine's Day!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Cosmo list and no more Kelly Clarkson

My head is so full of stuff it might explode. I have no one on standby to clean up such a large spillage (because my brain is big, duh), so I gotta get some of it out. So I've taken the Cosmo list of ways to make your man happy and commented on them. Cuz I know what makes men happy, right? I really don't. But as a girl who probably thinks a lot like a dude, I can comment on the list.


1.Buy him candles. Guys don’t buy them for themselves, but nobody wants to stink like single boy all the time. So take care of it for him. 
2.Tell him what you’re thinking. Really Cosmo? Isn’t it easier to just say nothing, pout about it, and leave him guessing? Most of the time honesty will just lead to a fight, so shouldn’t women just suck it up and accept the fact that no matter what our reaction, a man’s gonna do what a man’s gonna do?
3.Wash his car. Again…Really? Are we talking about dudes without arms and hands to wash his own dang car? Doesn’t being able to take care of his ride emasculate the man? Women already do everything else, so washing his car seems to be taking “serving your man” just a little far.
4.Watch baseball with him. What’s more annoying than that poser sports fan girl who goes to sports bars just to look cute in the jersey reaping the player they’ve never heard of? What guy wants to have to entertain his girl while he watches sports? Maybe Cosmo hired an idiot to write this. 
5.Bake home made cookies. Yes Cosmo Because we don’t go to work every day. Or deal with kids. We don’t want to curl up in a ball and cry once a month. Nope. We’ve got nothing better to do than bake your stupid cookies. They’re just gonna contribute to the belly fat you always complain about. Shut it, Cosmo. 
6.Order pizza. FINALLY something realistic. Maybe while you’re waiting for the pizza delivery man to come you can wash his car and bake him cookies. 
7.Play video games with him. Men have man caves for a reason. Yes. Some nerds like gamer girls. There’s nothing wrong with that. But your average woman does not want to sit and play your stupid Madden game with you all weekend long. Be real, guys. You don’t want this…
8.Teach him a new recipe. Ever heard of Google, Cosmo? If he wants to cook, have him look up a recipe and do it. Let the woman sit down and be served for a change. Does Cosmo truly hate women?
9.Pretend you care about what he’s talking about. So, basically lie. Look him in the eye, smile, laugh, and pretend to listen while you’ve really got your to-do list going through your head. 
10.         Make his bed. It’s HIS bed. Compare the time it takes for a woman to get ready in the morning versus the time it takes a guy. It makes no sense for a guy to expect for his woman to make his bed in the morning. Stupid cosmo.
11.         Put air in his tires. Yeah, maybe the days of chivalry are over if a man expects his woman to wash his car and check the tire pressure while she’s at it. Here’s a thought. That’s what mechanic guys are for. If you need air in your tires, go get it at the gas station, guys. Or go do whatever people do to keep their tires intact.  
12.         Watch movies with him EVEN if you hate it. And you KNOW you’re gonna get the same in return. Relationships are give and take, right??What a load of crap, Cosmo.
13.         Take him fishing. What’s romantic about hooking live worms to catch disgusting fish…some of which can hurt you…and then cut it up to eat? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 
14.         Throw his laundry in with yours. Finally something that makes a little bit of sense. Save yourself from your man turning all of your stuff into pink colored clothes. Kill two birds with one stone. Make him think you’re sweet, but it’s really kind of saving yourself. 
15.         Get into a TV show with him. What’s this??? Two reasonable suggestions in a row? Did they fire the first idiot who wrote numbers 1-13 and hire someone who gives a crap???
16.         Buy him clothes. As a girl, I know I wouldn’t want any dude buying me clothes. Like Big Al’s obsession with giving me panties. And knowing how big my butt and waist are in his vanity glasses covered eyes. Is it the same for guys? Is it an insult to his current wardrobe if you show up with a bunch of brand new clothes for him, is he gonna take it as an insult??
17.         Don’t complain about the remotes. Yeah, I guess. Unless he never hands them over so you can watch what YOU want to. Technology is complicated and we all know that those universal remotes never work. So deal with having three remotes to deal with and move on.
18.         Have a homemade taco night. Random much? Why not tilapia night? Or spagetti night? Why the specific taco night? I’m confused. 
19.         Get him a deep fryer. Isn’t it your dream to go over to your mans place to the smell of 200 degree grease frying up those pickles that go straight to your hips? And then he finds you less attractive and blah, blah, blah. This one is pretty stupid if you ask me. 
20.         Organize his sock drawer. I’m starting to think that Cosmo sees women more as a mans maid than significant other. Goodness knows you have nothing better to do than order the socks that soak up his sweat and smell delicious. 
21.         Make coffee and give it to him in bed. AHHHHHHHHHHH. This is officially ticking me off. Where’s the part in all this where he gives something? Pour your own dang cup of coffee. Get your butt out of bed and brush your stinky teeth. Go pee and wash your hands. Kiss your woman and THEN go get some coffee. 
22.         Tell him he’s special. Stroke his ego. Put yourself aside and make him feel like the God that Cosmo apparently wants your man to be. 
23.         Compliment his facial hair. Just forget about the rash you get on your face when you kiss him. Learn to spit out the beard and mustache hairs that get caught in your mouth because he has an unkept face.
24.         Bring him a burrito. And I’m fairly certain that you’re expected to feed it to him so that he has to do nothing more than chew what you put in his mouth. I cannot STAND boys. 
25.         Bring him two burritos. Yes. Spend your lunch break taking him burritos because he’s obviously incapable of sustaining life by getting his own meals. 
26.         Tell him you have a work party…then tell him he doesn’t have to go with you. Heave forbid your man show some support for you? Heaven forbid that he reciprocate your doing things even if you don’t want to. 
27.         Trade back massages…but let him receive first. Men aren’t selfish at all. You know that after your neck rub makes him all relaxed and sleepy he’s gonna get up and give you a massage to ease your stress. Honestly, giving him a massage first is setting yourself up for failure, laides. 
28.         Get a storage drawer for your accessories. For all you ladies who take your earrings off and then just toss them on the floor…
29.         Grill every night for a week. Steak for a week straight. Because nothing spells romance like bloody, red meat and the smell that sticks with you like fajitas in a mexican resturaunt.

30.         Take him to see his favorite band. As long as it’s not Nickelback. In fact if Nickelback is his favorite band, call it a deal breaker and dump his ass.

Also, if you want to know who has replaced Kelly Clarkson as my celebrity crush, I will tell you now. It's Sara Quin. Or Tegan Quin. It's super hard for me to admit defeat, but Kelly is pregnant and still hasn't called or emailed in spite of having my info. So maybe it's time to move on. It hurts me deeply to say this, but it's what I must do. I feel like Tegan and Sara and I would get long brilliantly. Seriously. I've watched their performances and the stories they share and I'm like DANG. I could so be one of them if I had any singing or song writing talent. I won't launch a full on effort to talk to them or whatever. I'm leaving it up to Jesus, God, and Teddy Bears. If it's meant to be it will be. If not, well, I just add them to my list of let downs, which so far includes Kelly Clarkson. So if you're friends with them or in their fan club, help a sister out. I promise to pay you back in the form of some craft I make. 

Thanks in advance!