Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The good....the bad...the stupid idiots

Well, where to begin. There’s been so much going on lately that I don’t know where to start. I guess this would be a good place. You guys have followed me throughout the course of my entire adulthood journey. Good and bad times have been shared and if you’re reading this now, you’ve chosen to stick it out with me. Thank you for that.

July and August are both crappy, crappy months. July used to be my birthday month. Yes. I was the girl who claimed the entire stupid month whether anyone else acknowledged it with me or not. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so I didn’t need anyone else’s support on a birthday month. But when my nephew passed away three days before my birthday, that kind of diminished my selfishness and priorities changed. I’ve done a keg stand or three in my life and that was awesome at the time. But on December 19, 2008 my mindset shifted into the reality of what is important in life. At least somewhat. What I finally realized was important was opening my heart instead of my big mouth to be the loudest one at the party. The birth of my nephew was truly a life changing experience for me because I finally saw what it was to unconditionally love someone. I knew that such a thing existed and that love did exist without the expectation of anything in return.

My life changed again on July 13, 2011 when my nephew drowned with his grandfather in their backyard pool. I’ve lost many people in my life and I will be the first to admit that I’m not over them. I’ve not even begun to grieve the loss of Kidd. I don’t know where to begin with that. The day he died was such frenzy and everything since then has been so chaotic I’ve just not dealt with it. I’ve tried to do the best that I can with losing Ethan, but Grieving for Dummies say that it takes 5 years to grieve the loss of a child and even longer if you had a close bond with the child. I had a very close relationship with him. He was the son I never had. So I don’t know how long it will take to get beyond the crying spells and the guilt of I should have had a guy feeling or it was a Wednesday…I should have picked him up. I picked him up on Wednesday’s. Why didn’t I have him that day? I’ve got to take it as it comes because I’m only human. I’m trying to focus on the positives and embrace the lessons that he taught me and the love that I will always feel for him, but I would be lying if I said that positive stuff was all I think about. I miss his sweaty head falling asleep on me. But anyway. I didn’t intend to get into all of that again.

As you know, my sister and her husband moved to Hawaii to find peace within themselves and sort of start over. I’ve not seen them since September of 2013, but they flew into town to surprise my mom for her birthday last week. My mom was surprised and we did a little birthday cook out for her and it was nice. But there was another reason for getting everyone together.

My sister and her husband announced that they are expecting baby number 2. She is now 15 weeks pregnant and they are both feeling excited and blessed. So congratulations to Samantha and Orlando on expanding their family. They are great parents and I know that their baby will be a happy baby. Before you ask. Are they moving back to Texas? As of right now, to my knowledge, the answer is no. They are doing well and are happy in Maui, so I believe that they are going to try and stay there.

Now, I know that last Monday we played some audio of me coming out of anesthesia and people were asking what I was put under for. Here’s the story. So the brain surgery was done and I think everything with that is OK. Now it’s been a series of other things…mostly with my stomach. I guess I should be gaining weight, but I’m not. So they’ve been trying to figure out why my stomach goes through periods of rejecting food. I’ve had test after test done and it’s officially a beating. They checked my gallbladder with some kind of test and my something else with another test and then they did the scope thing where they went down my throat and into my stomach. They found 5 spots on my stomach that were abnormal, so they did biopsies. I found out yesterday that everything with all 5 spots was normal. My stomach is inflamed, but there are no bacteria on any of the places. So now what? A colonoscopy. And I have to see another specialist for my head. It’s exhausting. I don’t like any of it because I feel like I’m wasting doctors time and lots of money to be told that everything is normal. I don’t know what’s happening or who will finally figure it out…if there’s even an “it” to figure out, but if there is, I hope it’s soon.

Oh, and here are a few life lessons I’ve picked up on over the past however long.

- Everybody has his or her stuff. Whether it’s health related or job related or family stuff…we’ve all got it. It’s how we deal with it that matters. Your situation doesn’t define you, but your reaction to it most certainly can. So think about that before you go letting your knee jerk reaction control you. You might regret it in the end.

-       And something else I thought about after a conversation I had with someone a couple months ago. Guilt isn’t fair. So keep that in mind the next way you’re trying anything and everything to get what you want and you have to reach for desperate measures. Guilt is like the punch in the gut that no one deserves. Before you go doing that, take a step back and think that maybe…just maybe…if you have to go that far…you don’t deserve what you’re asking of them. Double back on your thought process and say to yourself…hold on a minute. I shouldn’t have to go that far to get what I want from that person. So maybe this isn’t really fair. Try it. I promise. You’ll see in the end….I’m right. And boy that’s gonna suck for you.

-       And that’s really all I have to say about that. For now. I need to shower. The nasty of my thoughts makes me feel dirty.