Happiness is what life is about. The end. I've been accused of living my life for everyone else. And looking back I can say yeah. It's true. I could give examples, but why rehash all that stuff? I can tell you the exact day that I realized that personal happiness is what it's about. That day was this past Tuesday. October 8. It was a conversation I had with a couple of really smart people that made me see that I can't live this way anymore. I know what parts of my life make me happy and those that don't. So why am I running in place...or maybe even treading water...with the BS that I allow to bring me down? I'm sick of me. I'm sick of doing what's comfortable for now because it's safe and easy. Or because it's what's expected. No more. I cannot allow myself to be in this mindset anymore. It's obvious to pretty much everyone that I've been having a hard time and my brain has gone into the lowest place possible. I've asked myself why I continue to do the things I do in the areas of my life where my value isn't seen. Some of those things are being done because it's what I've known. But as of Tuesday, I'm giving the finger to what I know. I'm destined for something more than is obvious to me and it's my time to figure out what that is. Either that or it's time for me to throw in the towel and continue letting my brain sink into the darkest places until I can no longer stand it. Should I be writing a book? Well, I kind of already am. Both through blogs and in a journal that's locked away. How do I get the charity I want to have off the ground? With so much loss and pain and awfulness that's been in my world over the past couple of years, how do I put the spotlight on all that could be so beautiful in my world right now?? How do I make what is beautiful embrace me? My flaws, my insecurities, my stupidity at times? I'm ready for it to all come together.
I know that everyone has a time in their life when falling off the face of the earth seems like it would be best. I've been there for far too long. I've put on brave face...not necessarily a smiling one...but I've avoided meltdown status on most occasions. I feel like I'm going through the motions and it makes me sick. Truly sick. What is the value in a day if you feel like a robot? If there's an answer to this, someone please let me know what it is.
Life seems like there's so much push and pull. I've found what makes me feel whole.
I know that part of the reason I've struggled so much with the loss of my nephew was that we had unconditional, unquestionable love. That is a rare thing to have. I know that parents have it for their kids (even if the kids do everything they can to destroy it), but to have that with a human being that was not created by your own juices? THAT is what life's about. I got a text from Travis Johnson, Ayden's dad, from Kidds Kids 2012, on Wednesday night. It was a picture of a photo they are putting on their wall. The photo is the same one that's on my wall. Ayden and me hugging. So simple. And in that text Travis wrote "as real as love gets." He hit the nail on the head. I have love that is as true as it gets. And Ayden has true love in his heart. The difference between Ayden and me? He's 6 and has been through enough so much, but I don't think he has a grasp of his struggle. In a few years he will get it. It will sink in that nothing has come easy for him and he might get mad at the world. I doubt it, but who knows. I've had my ass handed to me time and time again in my 32 years of life. My health has been seriously bad. My heart has ached. I've cried in my sleep. I've given without getting anything in return. I've had 32 years to mold who and what I am. But I know that THIS is not it. There's something more waiting for me and that is happiness. Why am I sitting in my completely dark bedroom right now when I should be at a covered bridge festival? Why do my face and stomach hurt to the touch? Why did I text message my former grief counselor last night for words of encouragement to talk me off of the ledge?
I won't get into the reasons why because I'm not alone in my struggles. But I will say this. I officially give myself a deadline to pull my happiness together and live it. December 20 is that date. I'm sharing it with all of you. By December 20, I will have stopped just treading water. By December 20 I will be doing what I've gotta do to fulfill my heart. That's it. For the first time in my life, I have that date circled on my calendar. I owe it to myself to fight tooth and nail to get what I want. And I'm sure that life's push and pull will continue on my path, but I don't care. I really, really don't. Mark my words. Or at least that date. 12.20.2013 is my do or die deadline. Is it drastic? Yes. Is it reckless and dumb? Maybe so. But I cannot live a life full of what ifs. If there's anything I've learned it's that our next breath is not guaranteed. So you gotta make them count, right? No more "I'll be happy once this and that is taken care of." You truly do only live once. And I don't care who you are or what your role in this world is...you CANNOT say that your happiness does not matter right now. Because it does.Because the happy in your soul will make every part of your life better. Every relationship, every task, everything. And don't look what will make you happy in the eye one minute and turn your back on it the next. That is no way to live. Maybe it scares the crap out of you. Maybe it's unlike anything you've known before. Maybe it requires some growing pains, but what doesn't? At least what that is worthwhile? I am just going to put this out there. If there's someone in your life that completes your puzzle. Makes you feel whole and deserves your love. Stop reading and call, text, email, roll over...stop dead in your tracks and share that love. Even if it's a simple three words. I love you. Do you know what it means to hear or read those words and know that they are truly meant? It's so insanely simple. But it's lost on so many people. Swallow your pride for a minute. If you're in an argument, take a step back and, if you're wrong, acknowledge it. If you're missing somebody, chances are they're missing you back. So bridge the gap. I'm telling you that living a life of an earned "what if" will eat you alive. Don't do it. You freaking pay money to go get scared in a haunted house. Why not embrace a scary that can forever change you path in the best way possible? Your life? Your soul? I was terrified of driving when I was in drivers ed. But look at all the opportunities that that one skill or experience has opened up for me. I was terrified that I wouldn't learn the laws of the road or that merging onto the freeway would be too much for me. But I've conquered that fear. I'm over the "what if" of other cars on the road. Yeah, their dumb choices might cause me to get into an accident, but chances are that I was driving along in my car, thinking about what it was I was driving to. And when you cut out the toxins, there's a seriously good chance that it was someone or something that would make me happy. Do you get it? Or am I talking to myself?
Take a chance on what's important to you. It's more obvious than ever before what people in my world mean to me. It's a pretty horrible feeling to get a "hey, how are you?" text that you answer honestly. I'm awful. And the next thing you know that same person asks you to give them something! I mean seriously? Even if giving was to a good cause. For Gods sake take a look at me and see that I am human. And my state of being must really suck right now if I say I'm awful instead of the obligatory "I'm fine." Who around me gives a crap enough to try and give me something for a change? It's absolutely infuriating to know where my heart is and know all that I'm capable and willing to give and it be blown off. I don't want that kind of world for myself anymore. I just don't. I'd rather invest my efforts into those who do give a crap. That means some life changes that I'm more than ready to jump on. But living a life without what if means facing it's challenges. So by December 20, I will identify my challenges and have a solution in my journey of conquering them. Period. End of long winded story. And you're either with me in my journey or your not. If you're not, well, then that seriously sucks.
And that's the end of that story...for now.