Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I feel like insanity has set in. Probably shouldn't post this, but whatever.

Where to start on this one. I really don’t know to be honest. I guess I gotta just get it out there.

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle, right? But do you ever wonder if maybe God…with millions of people in this world…gets it wrong just from being outnumbered? I mean no disrespect in this comparison, but is it kind of like the weight-guessing guy at the fair? There’s so much room for error. Black makes you look thinner; horizontal stripes make you look wider. There are so many contributing factors to a misguided guesstimation. And I know that people are going to get mad because I’d ever have the nerve to imply that God could be wrong, but it’s just a thought.

I can’t and won’t get into specifics of where my head is at the moment, but I will add on a few of those life lessons I mentioned in my last blog.

-       Nourish what’s important to you. Sometimes it means a fake smile until you feel it. Understand that your words and actions stick with people. The bad ones seem to stick a little longer than the good ones, but I guess that’s just human nature.

-       Buy an ice pack. Because some days put so much weight on you shoulders and all you want to do is cry. Crying makes your face swollen and painful to touch. Have an ice pack on stand-by for days like those.

-       Learn from your mistakes. Making mistakes is never any fun. Like when I hit the wrong button at work. I look dumb, make the show sound bad, and have a boxing match with myself in my head. But, again, the bad sticks. I remember what happened when I pushed that button last time. Chances are it wasn’t good. So I try my hardest not to do it again. Unless I screw up so bad I get fired. Then learning and growing from that mistake is easier said than done.

-       Never be afraid to ask for a second chance. The guy at the big gay wedding over the weekend said “I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for second chances.” And that’s the case for a lot of us, isn’t it? And at the end of the day the most that can happen is your wish for a second chance is denied and you’re stuck kicking yourself in the butt for even needing to ask for a second chance.

-       Know your self worth. I can’t speak to this one very much because I think I’ve failed at this time after time. People can really suck sometimes and do everything in their power to make you feel an inch tall. But you know you’re not what they try to make you feel, right? At least you try and let logic outweigh what they try to put in your head. But sometimes logic is lost and we buy into stupid things. So I’m going to be a hypocrite and tell you to do something that I honestly don’t know how to do. At least I know my flaws, right?

-       Be a fighter. Even when you’re convinced that God has decided that you can carry 300 pounds of crap on your shoulders, keep going until you crumble under the pressure. And when that happens, take a step back, tell God that you tried your best, and regroup. Maybe God just picked a bad day to hand you that load. Maybe you skipped breakfast or your back was hurting when you woke up that morning. Whatever the case may be. You can ask for another try at carrying the load. And who knows? Maybe that wish will be granted.

It’s so easy to sit here and type these things on a word document and make you think I’ve got it all together. I don’t. At all. The weight on my shoulders today was heavy enough to get the best of me. And that’s my own fault. Sometimes you pray that your good qualities outweigh your bad, but not every prayer is answered. I can tell you about a dozen times that I can recall praying as hard as I could that things would have a different outcome, but my prayers just weren’t hard enough. Or wishing that whatever it is was just a dream. A really bad dream because you don’t think you can handle that being your reality. Well, guess what? Sometimes reality SUCKS. But beyond choices and beliefs that you have in your own head, there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

A little peek behind the curtain on this one. I’ve got a serious stress headache. You can only take so much Excedrin in a day, though. So I’m stuck with it for another few hours. I’ve had an order of things that I’ve planned for myself and that order was on track. It was so on track; I thought it was too good to be true. And I guess it was because now I’m like the homeless person walking alongside the train tracks because I don’t know which way to go. And I can’t afford a ticket on the train because duh. I’m homeless. Not literally. I pay way too much for this stinky apartment I live in, but I do have shelter. And as far as the plans I had laid out, I tried to reroute my path in a way that would take a little longer to get to, but the end result was the same. But I guess I let the frustration of having to reroute again get the best of me. That’s shameful. And the consequences of my weakness have reared their ugly little heads, so now I’m left to take my own advice. Get an ice pack, stick it on my face, and let some inanimate object take away the sting.

I’m so human. I’m such a girl with my emotions. Sometimes rational thought goes out the window no matter how hard I try to keep it intact. But I’m going to put this out in the universe because someone very smart and important to me taught me to have some faith in the laws of attraction. I need a break. I really, really do. I think God believes I’m a bodybuilder. Or like that Atlas guy who can carry the whole world on his shoulders. I’m not. Not even close. I suppose all that I can hope for in this life is for people to love me in spite of my flaws, to understand that I don’t always have it together, and to have faith in me. And if what I said before…you get what you give…holds any truth, everything will be ok. And I can get back on my route to happiness and use my screw-ups and their consequences to be better than I was before. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason and at this moment, I don’t believe that God will never give me more than I can handle. So now what? I guess I’m gonna have to figure that one out for myself.

Now, what does a person who knows that they must eat to sustain life do for a meal? I’m pretty sure a pomegranate pop tart isn’t enough to keep me alive. Especially when I had it 12 hours ago. Another instance that leaves me sitting here wondering, now what?

And for those of you who don't live in DFW and didn't get to see this, here's kind of another peek behind the curtain of what I do. I get to set this kind of stuff up leading up to the Kidd's Kids trip each year. It's worth a watch.


And to finish on a lighter note…taxi drivers are the worst drivers on the road. We pay them insane amounts of money to get us where we are going, but they suck at what they do! And that’s all I have to say about that.


  1. Yah...sometimes we get a lil in over our head and we didnt even see it coming. But it's those days we'll look back on with pride once all our plans and ideas come to fruition and we are were we wanted to be.

    Just hang in there...keep plugging along as best you can. as long as you have people around you who care for you, then you must be doing something right.

  2. Prayers are answered in HIS time, and sometimes we want it NOW. No matter what, God is always there, and faithful!! God gives us second, third, and fourth chances, and then we ask for forgiveness, and He gives it to us. God knows our hearts and souls. God knows what you need at that time, and place, all you have to do is receive it. Love you Shanon!!

  3. Shannon,

    People tell me that I'm strong. But I'm not. They say God won't give me more than I can handle. But like you, I don't really believe that. As I watch my husband slowly die from cancer... I don't believe that.
    I can tell you this... time has a way of making the hurts in our lives... not hurt so much. I have to believe that in time things will be better. That the mistakes we make... and the consequences of them... will fade a bit and the sting won't hurt so much. I have to believe that "fate" or "luck" or whatever it is that is either wonderful or awful... will change just to keep us on our toes.
    Someone told me that if there were no pain in this life... we would not know what happiness is. For a long time I thought that was BS. But I think I believe it now. I appreciate my husband more than I ever have in the 30 years we've been married. I wish I could take his cancer away. But through this journey that has lasted almost 4 years now... I have learned to drive, to advocate for him with doctors and insurance companies and the VA and medicare. I have learned to research to make sure we are doing the best for him that we can. Through his cancer I have grown. It sucks so bad that it had to happen that way... but it did.
    The pain in your life is molding you. I'm sorry that you've had to experience the things that you have... that you feel like you know your flaws better than your worth. I hope that you know how many lives you touch in a positive way and that you can see through your flaws to the wonderful person behind them.
    Hang in there... life will never be easy... and it will never stay the same. But that's the great thing about it. We can count on it changing. If things are bad now... they'll get better. And when they do... appreciate it and make the most of it... because no one stays on top of the world forever. It's kind of like a roller coaster ride... the ups and downs... the fear and excitement. And in the end... the ride will have been worth it because along the way we learned and grew and became the person we were meant to be.

  4. Shannon
    Today I heard that the teacher never talks when students take a test. The comparison was made to God in that He doesn't always give us the answers we want in the midst of our trials. But He is there and he cries each tear with you. Whatever you are going through, I pray He provides you strength in the storm. And when you get to the other side, you'll know He was with you all the way. Hang in there. You are loved more than you can ever imagine.

  5. TOTALLY off topic.... are you single or taken }:>

  6. Mistakes happen, just learn from them. Only people error free, are those who don't do anything. Shanon, you are loved for the good and bad, funny and serious.

  7. Sorry you are having an overwhelming time right now. The best advice I have is to "Just keep swimming.". God listens to prayers, and answers them in His time. Surrendering to His will is the most difficult thing in the world. When you worry, take it to Him...same when you are overwhelmed. Deep breathing in a focused manner can help with anxiety, too. Shanon, you are so much stronger than you know...trust Him with it all....praying for your strength and peace. :)