Welcome to the inside of my head for a few minutes

Just in case you’ve ever once wondered what it’s like to live inside of my head for a few minutes, here’s your answer. These are the things that consume WAY too much of my brain space and time. Maybe if I share these things with you I can finally quit thinking about them already.

-          How are the creators of Paw Patrol not more wealthy than Bill Gates or the Amazon guy? These people are friggin’ geniuses. They made the first series of Paw Patrol characters and probably got rich off of that. But then they made toys of the same characters in different rescue situations. And what kid is willing to use just their plain old Paw Patrol Chase action figure in a jungle rescue situation? Or how can Chase possibly help in a fire if he’s wearing his police clothes instead of a fire fighter outfit? They have regular action figures, mini action figures, pirate Paw Patrol, Police Paw Patrol,  Fire Paw Patrol, Sea Patrol, Ultimate Mighty Pups…there are probably more, but that’s all I can think of right now. If the people who created this show aren’t literally making it rain when the basket comes around in church on Sunday mornings, there’s something wrong with their contracts.

-          I used to be upset about the fact that I have fat feet, but recently I decided that those of us with fat feet are evolutionary superior to people with skinny feet. Who’s less likely to trip and fall when they’re running away from a Jurassic Park type of situation? The fat footed population. So, if you have fat feet like me, don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed because we are way more likely to escape in a dinosaur chase than skinny footed people.

-          Birds seem like they must be smart creatures. They fly in formation. They can fly around to find food and then find their nest again. Has anyone ever thought about finding a way to potty train birds so that they poop places other than on your car? Or is it a conspiracy among the car wash companies to keep birds forever untrained and pooping all over my car within 5 seconds of getting it washed?

-          How does Cookie Monster destroy things with his mouth when he doesn’t have teeth? He doesn’t even have a tongue! So how can he take a DVD and crumble it up with his mouth? It makes no sense and I wish that the creators of Sesame Street would’ve thought this through a little bit more before throwing all kinds of stuff in Cookie Monster’s mouth to have him unrealistically tear it all up.

-          There are a few words that I can’t seem to ever spell right no matter how many times I try. Medieval makes NO sense to me. Why is there a random “I” in the middle of the word? Pursue should be persue in my head. It sounds more correct, doesn’t it? License is another one. I can never remember which comes first…the “s” or the “c.” Embarrassed is another. Why the need for two “R’s?” Does anyone else have problems with these words?

On a side note, I did something very adult over the weekend. I bought my very own washer and dryer set! I’ve had one before, but I sold it. I’ve been renting a set for over a year now and it finally dawned on me that I’m spending money on another thing I’d never own. So, I went on Saturday evening to find my perfect match washer and dryer. I went to the register with such pride in my adulating skills! That’s when it happened. The man who was going to ring me up asked me if I was sure if this set would fit because it’s bigger than most. Without hesitation I replied “YES!” But then I realized that I had measured the spaces last weekend and failed to write the measurements down, so I actually didn’t know if they would fit. So I told the guy what I just realized and he was kind enough to put the set on hold for me until yesterday. That way I could go home and measure to make sure I wasn’t buying stuff that wouldn’t fit in my laundry area. I felt like I was doing some kind of walk of shame when I went back into that store to tell the guy I was wrong and that the pair wouldn’t fit. It was so pretty. It was so grown up. And just like that my adulating pride disappeared. I did, however, find a set that I like that will fit in my laundry area. It’s being delivered on Wednesday. I’m pretty pumped to be an official washer and dryer owner again.

I’ve been working out pretty consistently again, which makes me feel so much better about every part of life. I’ve also found that I’m easily swayed to buy things that are ads on Instagram. Well, Ezekiel Elliott posted a pic of this sports drink that he uses just because he felt like it one day. It wasn’t a paid ad or anything. So, I figured if it helps Zeke become a ProBowler, it could probably really help me step up my cardio and workout game. So, I ordered it. The stuff is called BioSteel and, so far, I like it. I also bought this BioSteel fruit and veggie supplement. It’s supposed to give you the daily serving of both needed to be healthy. It said that it tastes like pineapple and coconut. I tried it for the first time yesterday and I didn’t taste any sign of pineapple or coconut. But this stuff wasn’t cheap, so I will finish the bucket. It’s SO BAD though. I had to drink it like a shot. Exhale, suck it down, and then inhale after it’s gone. The Blue Raspberry sports drink is amazing and delicious, but the super food mix stuff isn’t. Hopefully it works, though.

Another thing that I bought off of Instagram was the rubber spider in the wooden box. The premise is to tell someone to open the box and then watch their reaction when the spider pops up out of the box. It was intended to be part of a white elephant gift, but it didn’t get to my apartment from China until last week. I couldn’t bear the thought of keeping it a whole year, so I decided to try it on my 4-year old nephew, Jake. If you’ve not already seen this video you definitely should go to my Facebook page and check it out. I was laughing hysterically through the guilt I felt as he sat there and cried tears of terror. Yes, I did that. I made my nephew cry for my own little laugh. Would I do it again if I knew how he would react ahead of time? As much as I laugh every single time I watch it back, I’m ashamed to say that yes…I probably would. If you’ve not seen the video, here’s a link.

https://www.facebook.com/PsychoShanon/videos/10157001970744414/

Anyway, if you’re anything like me your brain is probably exhausted from my rambling at this point. I’ll let you off the hook now and say thanks for reading. And have a good day. And don’t download Tetris on your phone unless you have time to be addicted to something completely stupid. And I’m 99% sure that the air conditioning in our office is turned on even though we have some kind of arctic blast in town. Holy hell this sucks! I’ve got on jeans, a hoodie, a coat, and a blanket and I’m still shivering. That’s not ok!

Oh, and one more thing. If you don’t follow El Arroyo’s Austin on Instagram, you’re missing out on amazingness. It’s become a bucket list item of mine to meet the person who comes up with their signs. I love their mind.

Bye. For real this time.

Do NOT make eye contact with the Girl Scout

Do not make eye contact with the Girl Scout. It’s cookie season again. To Girl Scout cookie lovers that’s a great thing. I’m not a GS cookie lover, though. So it’s terribly awkward when I have to reject their sales pitch or try to avoid any eye contact with them coming into AND out of a store. It’s kind of like the Salvation Army Bell Ringers. I DO donate to them, but I do it once. I’ll put a $10 or $20 bill in the bucket one time a season. I would be homeless and have my car repossessed if I did this with every bell ringer I saw.  But one bell ringer doesn’t know that I’ve already donated to another, so I feel like I should avoid eye contact with them, too. I might as well live in a Bird Box world from like the end of November until after GS cookie season.

I feel even worse when you’re at a register paying for something and they ask you to donate to whatever cause on the screen. And you hit yes or no so that the cashier can adjust your total. I just know that they are thinking I’m a horrible person if I don’t donate every time. I don’t, though, and I’m willing to deal with their thoughts.

It’s been a week now and yes. I’m still waiting patiently for my “more” that I talked about before. I had a funny conversation with my 4-year old nephew, Jake, the other day, though. He basically wants me to move in with his family and sleep on their couch. He tells me that I can save my money that way. It’s a sweet thought, but it just wouldn’t work. Anyway, the other night I had to drop him off at home. I was telling him goodbye and giving him kisses and stuff when he asked me why I had to go home. I explained to him that I needed to shower and get ready for bed and stuff. Then he asked me why I sleep alone at night. What do you even say to that? So, I stumbled my way through an explanation of why I sleep alone at night and then he offered a suggestion. He said that I should buy a book to put in my room and then I wouldn’t be alone. He makes a good point, right? Sort of?

I love the fact that he’s sweet enough to think about me and want me to have people around and save my money. At the same time, though, I don’t know what to say to the things that come out of his mouth. I’m sure I’ll figure it out at some point, but for now I’ll just keep reading my books about how to handle kids and hope that something sticks in my brain.

I did sign up for an online dating site for a day last week. I was curious about the types of people I would see on there, but I was over it in about 30 minutes. You can’t just get on there and look at people’s profiles, so I answered like 800 questions about myself and then I clicked on whatever button to see my matches. Holy crap. Maybe I don’t know myself at all or something. If this site really has matched up so many people, then they must know what they’re doing, right? Not in my world! And don’t go looking and swiping any direction when you don’t know what you’re doing. I thought I was just swiping to see the next person, but apparently I was swiping and telling people that I wanted to meet them. Like I said, though, my interest in this lasted for about half an hour. I tried to delete my profile after that, but you have to wait 24 hours. So I did and now it’s gone.

Just a couple of random observations.

I drove by a dentist office in the rich neighborhood. Most places say Dr. _____, DDS. This place had a sign that said “Dental Art.” I don’t want to sound too judgy, but what is that? And is it covered by insurance?

I go to the Sam’s Club on the weekend and see lines and lines of people. I almost feel like I’m a stealer for doing Scan and Go instead of standing in line like they do. Why don’t people take advantage of this amazing, time saving app? (This is my honest to God observation. Sam’s Club doesn’t even know I exist, so they’re not paying me).

I’m thinking about making dance my hobby. Not like fancy classical dance. I’m talking dance you would do to Beyonce’s “Formation” or Nicki Minaj “Good Form.” I have no rhythm and I know no moves, but I see that dancers in videos wear Vans and shirts that are cut off right below the boob. Step one is go home and cut a shirt. I’ll let you know what step 2 is after it happens.

Oh, I got flipped off last week! Some lady was driving her fancy ass Audi on the road. I needed to turn right at the next light, so I turned on my blinker to get over into the right lane. Apparently the lady in the Audi didn’t want me in front of her because she then proceeded to get into the left lane, stop where she knew I could see her, and flip me off. Then we had to sit through the red light together. Why? I didn’t do anything wrong, so why was she so mad at me? I just waved to her.

Speaking of Nicki Minaj “Good Form…” Here are a few song recommendations that I think you should have on your workout playlist. If you don’t, you’re missing out.

Drake- Nonstop

Lil Wayne- Uproar

Nicki Minaj- Good Form

Post Malone- Wow

Kid Cudi- Pursuit of Happiness (Steve Aoki Remix)

A$AP Rocky- Effing Problem

Jay Z- Onto the Next One

Kanye West- Theraflu

Kanye West- I Love It

Big Sean & Ellie Goulding- You Don’t Know

A$AP Rocky feat Skrillex- Wild for the Night

I know I love rap. If you don’t like my list, don’t download the songs! But don’t go knocking my stuff, either.

I feel like I should also offer some wise words of advice or something. You know. Because I’m so good at life, right?

-          Short term suck is worth long time not suck (so make the changes you need in your life to be happy)

-          Don’t trust the automatic gas shut off thing on the gas pump. It didn’t work for me yesterday and it could’ve been nasty!

-          Read the prompts on the credit/debit card thingy at the store. They’re all different and one mistake can cost you like 10 swipes. This happened to me at Academy over the weekend.

-          Stolen from Olivia Pope- If you leap and you try and it doesn’t work out, it’s not on you. (You can’t always fix what’s broken. Sometimes it’s better for everyone if you accept the broken and move on in life)

I would really like to be able to rock a rock n roll t-shirt in 2019. Add that to the short term bucket list.

Everyone should make cheese at home at least once in their life. I made vegan mozzarella over the weekend and I feel truly accomplished.

If you need a delicious, quick meal to eat on nights when cooking isn’t an option, try this meal prep idea.

--------Quinoa, corn, black beans, and sweet red, orange, and yellow bell pepper. Mix it all together and heat up. Then go to the Mexican area of the refrigerated area by the cheese. They sell uncooked tortillas here. Get them and be ready for your life to be forever changed. Add quinoa and other stuff to a tortilla after you cook it. Enjoy!

I just saw the saddest thing ever and I need it. It’s a book called “Microwave Cooking for One.” Welcome to my life.

I totally had something else I wanted to tell you about, but I forgot what it was and I failed to make a note of it in my phone before I forgot. Damn it.

I’m really excited about the Bachelor coming on tonight. I had fun commenting on it last week. I think I felt validated when you guys commented back and agreed with me. So I’m gonna do that again tonight and, hopefully, feel all validated when I go to bed tonight.

I guess that’s all for now. It’s freaking freezing in this office and someone got a little too excited with their perfume sprays today. Someone else is blowing their nose and it’s really loud and dry sounding. I can’t think like this!

How long will I be dead before someone figures it out and finds me?

There are lots of mommy blogs out there. There are fashion blogs, fitness blogs, gossip blogs…the list goes on for days. Is there a “losers” blog, though? One that focuses on the discontent of being in your 30’s, living alone, having no kids, no relationship, and truly wondering how long you would be dead in your apartment before anyone found you. That is me. I am that person and it’s caused me absolute panic lately.

I want to believe in karma. I really do. I want to believe that it works for good people and not so good ones. I also want to believe that the karma I would receive would be the good kind, but I’m not seeing much evidence of that. I’m not going to sit here and type out a bunch of whoa is me crap because nobody wants to hear about all that. And someone always has it worse than we do, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been lucky in many ways. I’ve not had to move around for my job. I’ve been able to pursue a career in something I’m passionate about and dreamed of doing. I’ve taken that career and used it to start a little side business teaching aquatic survival skills to children. I’ve got my own apartment and car and nephews I adore. But when I’m at home alone at night, my gut feels so much discontent. I know I can’t be alone in this.

I’ve had enough health stuff happen in my life that I’m legit wondering what old me will do if I continue on this path. Who will take care of me when I’m too blind and uncoordinated to drive myself to the Walgreens to get my medicines? Who will take care of me when driving myself anywhere is no longer an option? How will I pay to live? I’ve been putting money into my 401K, but will it be enough? There are so many things filling my head. Way too many “what if’s.” But really, though, what if? I don’t have kids or a partner in life to devote myself to now, so who could I expect to devote themselves to me when life isn’t so easy?

Believe me when I say that I would never have kids or get married just so that someone will take care of me when I’m old. Never. Never. Never. I have to admit, though, that it would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders if I knew that my life was headed in that direction.

I’m a big enough loser that I make notes from TV shows or movies that I watch while I’m alone at home. It’s probably a huge waste of time, but I like to tell myself that some advice will come in handy for someone at some point. Things like “I have nothing to lose and no more time to waste.” Or “If you become your own person, he won’t be able to control you.” “You can’t change your bad choice…all you can do is not let it ruin you.” “Give the person you love what they want.” Things like this. Then I’ll try and change it up by wasting some time on social media and I walk away having done a screenshot like this from Joanna Gaines. “I’m challenging myself in this new year to live for now. The present. Taking in every breath, every sight, and sound and holding it dearly. Not thinking about how the good ol’ days have passed us by or how the best is yet to come. But that right now, this very second, this is the gift. These are the days. These are the moments. And I’m gonna breathe them all in. If there’s pain and sorrow, or happiness and hope, let it in and then let it out.” Then she continues with more words of Gaines wisdom. “I want to enjoy the now because it’s the only thing we can actually embrace. I want to hold it carefully. Hold it thoughtfully. Here’s to seeing and finding the beauty, the hope and joy in the right now in 2019. “

Joanna Gaines is such a smart woman, isn’t she? Take in the now. Breathe it all in. But what if you’re right now isn’t really worth breathing in? What if you’ve chosen to put everything else in front of your true happiness and you’re just kind of living because breathing in and out, plus sleep, water and food, allow your body to do that? What if you’re having a really hard time finding that contentment and “more” in life?

That’s where I’m at. I want to embrace and practice the wisdom of Joanna Gaines, but with what? I can’t really reach out and embrace Olivia Pope while I watch “Scandal” or Beck while I binge watch “You.” But I also can’t seem to motivate myself to get out there and find my more, either. I think part of it is fear that I’ll find my more, hold onto it for a little while, and then my more will find something better or prettier or funnier or younger. Or just die. Yes, I mean literally die.

Then I tell myself that maybe my “more” isn’t in another person, but maybe it’s in a greater cause. Then I fall back on the thinking that I’d love to share my greater cause with someone else. Then it’s a full circle mental struggle that I go through in my head with no real resolution. What am I truly meant to embrace in my life? What else should I be breathing in and when will that something else be in my life?

Then I find myself screenshotting things that have absolutely no meaning in my life, like “A woman can’t change a man because she loves him. A man changes himself because he loves her.” I know you can change the words and make this apply to me, but you get what I’m saying, right? I don’t have anyone in my life to try and change…male or female. And, honestly, I don’t want anybody in my life that I feel the need to change. I want someone I can love through their crap and who will love me through mine. I don’t want someone whose goal is to fix me. I’m not totally broken and I don’t need fixing. I just want someone to share my not totally broken self with.

So, that’s where I’m at. I live for my jobs and for my nephews, but I know that I need more. Even more importantly, I WANT more. Thank goodness I believe that the best things in life are worth waiting for, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna wait for my “more.” I’ll hope that the wait isn’t that long, but if it is, that means that the payoff will be even greater. I’m going to try and stop punishing myself for not settling at points before now. I’d rather die alone than in a miserable, loveless relationship. I’d rather wait for my happy ending alone than wait for my happy ending with what’s not meant to be.

Just know that, if you’re anything like me, that you’re not alone. Let’s try and cut ourselves some slack on what we don’t have and stay hopeful of what could be. It’s worth a shot, right?