"You can't lose what you never had to begin with."
It's either a life quote that's supposed to make you sound smart or a line from a movie. one or the other. Either way, one thing holds true. It's bull-ish.
Yes you can.
Let's say you put the down payment down on a house you're building, but then a storm comes and destroys it and floods the land. Destroyed. List. And all of the hard work you put into saving up for the down payment and picking out the perfect piece of land and floor plan to fit your needs now and in the future are gone. Just like that. You never really had it, but you worked your ass off for it. And it's lost much easier than it was gained.
Not a good enough example? Fine. Here's another. You spend how many years and thousands of dollars on a college education so you can get that career of your dreams. You graduate and the economy tanks. The jobless rate skyrockets and you're screwed. But you're overqualified for that dream job. The placement rate at your school is like 98%. You do everything right. But before it's ever really yours POOF. It's gone.
If you don't get the point, I can't help you. You probably weren't in an Ivy League college with a fabulous future ahead. And that's ok. I'm in your arena. I bought "Grieving for Dummies" and I don't get it. Maybe book reading isn't my strength. Or maybe I'm just not that smart in general. Whatever.
The point is this. I say that the theory is bull because plans are something. Hope is something. I can tell you that I've been holding onto hope for dear life and it's feeling more and more like people are getting off on putting baby oil on my grip. What's the point of getting out of bed in the morning if you don't have hope? It's not tangible. You're never gonna get to actually touch it. But that doesn't mean you can't have it. I'm sitting here on my couch...my head is pounding. I just lost my dinner. My mental state is worse than it was when Ethan passed away...and all I'm asking God for is a thread of hope that won't get unfairly stolen away from me. Ripped up, shredded, packed away...whatever the case may be. I need something. If you don't have something, that leaves nothing. And that, friends, is no life to live.
I bust my ass to have the things that I do. Lately I jump through friggin hoops for a stinking phone call. And today...for the second time in a week...I found myself saying enough is enough.Even more than that, I FELT it in my heart. I feel it as I get email after email from people wanting things from me. People who ask me for what they desire before they ask how I'm doing or even saying hi. It has eaten away at the very spark of my soul. Oh, wait a second..there's another one. It's a follow up from last weeks "this is what I need from you" email. Let me take care of that. I just can't.
What's it gonna take? I don't need to be a millionaire. Hell, I don't want the taxes. But I damn sure deserve options outside of a 604 square foot apartment. I just want to be HAPPY for crying out loud. Is that a crime?
As someone who has had many plans unfairly ripped out of her grip, I call BS on that theory that you can't lose what you never had.
Yes you can. So write some more lies whoever wrote that one in the first place.
It's a terrible feeling when you think you see an end in sight....or at least share a common vision...and the WHAM. Out of nowhere POOF. Be gone. I never HAD anything more than the hope or the vision. But I'm telling you it hurts like hell to let go of something else I never had.
So suck it whoever said the thing this blog started out with.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I’m not too proud to admit that there are some occasions that I need help. This would be one of those occasions. It’s not anything life or death. Just a couple of things that my google skills don’t seem to be strong enough to help me figure out.
Before this brain surgery stuff happened, I made the decision that I wanted to start running. Then all of my medical junk happened and that wasn’t exactly an option. If you can’t tell by now, if something doesn’t happen, I’m going to go off the deep end. I need a physical goal for myself that I know I can obtain. It’s hard for me to make a daily appointment at the gym with these stupid headaches I tend to get a lot. And if I take the good meds to knock it out, on a treadmill or elliptical at an incline and high resistance is the last place I need to be. I just went to get my flip-flops off of my shoe rack thing. I had my belt hanging on there and I managed to knock my eye bone with it. That hurt like crap. This is what I’m dealing with. This is what I’m learning to accept as my new normal, at least for a while.
May is brain tumor awareness month and, surprisingly enough, there is no fundraising 5K or half marathon or anything in the actual month for it. I think it’s in Ft. Worth in October or November. So my aunt wants to do the half when it comes up. Yay! A goal to work towards! But now what? I’ve asked for tips on how to start, but I’ve gotten nothing. I went to the bookstore to see if there’s a book that kind of spells it out for idiots like me, but I didn’t find one. I’ve got this walking stuff down as long as it’s on an even surface and there aren’t stairs involved. You throw in walking on dirt and an uneven hill or even the stairs leading up to my apartment and I’m screwed. So I guess it’s just going to be me holding onto the handles of the elliptical for dear life until I get the hang of it. Ouch. My eye hurts like crap. Back to the point of this. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to go about getting back in the swing of this fitness thing? I have to be careful because I’ve dropped some weight and it’s not coming back the way I would expect it to. I don’t feel good about my body this way, so I certainly don’t want to go and burn more calories than I’m able to keep in every day. I know it makes sense to hire a trainer. I get it. I’m doing my best to keep as much money in my account as I can because I’ve learned through this that you never know what to expect. I don’t want to be caught off guard and have additional stress added to it. So I’m asking if anyone has a good book or resource or tips they can offer up to help me get this ball rolling.
Secondly, in relation to this, people in the DFW area, I need recommendations from you for the best, most affordable place to get my front windows tinted on my car. Sunglasses hurt my head, so something’s gotta give. I’ve needed to do this anyway to protect the interior of my car from fading, but I’ve not. But now that I have a hard time wearing sunglasses, I need all the help I can get. I want them as dark as legally allowed and I don’t want those nasty cheap tint job bubbles popping up in 3 months. I could go to the store and buy tint and do that myself maybe. I’ve never gotten tinting on a vehicle, so I don’t know the right questions to ask or where to even start with the googling on this one. I know people LOVE sharing their knowledge of cars and stuff like I love sharing what I know about music, so I’m asking. Please share.
Here’s another question. Dang I’m needy. I have this blog set up and it gets a lot of hits. But I link it from my Facebook pages. Facebook is smart and limits the reach of a post based on the posts before it, I guess. Until my blog becomes a part of people’s routine, I need a way of making sure the link is seen and clicked on so that I can take the blog thing to the next level. I out it in “About Me” on my Like Page and it’s there, but it doesn’t exactly POP like I want it to. I know that a lot of people have blogs or know people with them and have some knowledge of how to make it more successful than it already is. I spoke to a very smart guy the other day about my book idea and he said that step one is to make this blog take off. So that’s what I need to do. Facebook is great for getting your name out there, but they’re also great at making money. Money I’m not going to spend if I don’t have to.
So there you have it. I need your help!!!! Please and thank you. I feel like I’ve got so much that is just trapped and stuck and has nowhere to go that if I don’t make some changes, I’m gonna explode. This blog is me genuinely saying that I’m human and I’m about .314 cm from my breaking point and I’m leaning on your guys…people I don’t know necessarily but somehow have enough of a bond with that you feel like you know me…to help me. You have my thanks in advance.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I’m really about to buckle down and start figuring out the process of publishing a book. Why not, right? I’ve got stories, experiences, lessons, thoughts, and stuff to tell. Maybe someone will read it. In an effort to get that going, blogging will become more of a priority to me. I always get such a good response with posts I should do it more often anyway. I’m thinking maybe a theme day once or twice a week just to keep some train of thought going. I’m open to ideas and suggestions, so feel free to share them. I’m going to start doing Thursday blogs on something I’m grateful for. I’m not your typical “I’m thankful for the sky” thinker, so this might get interesting.
One thing I’ve noticed lately is that I’m a little over Facebook. Not the idea. I love reading posts that are original and funny or thought provoking or give some insight into someone’s life, but now it’s so full of ads and viral videos that I don’t care to see 700 times a day that it’s just wasted on me. So some days I just look at the pages of people I care about and that’s about the extent of it. You see that Facebook asks you how you’re feeling today or right now or whatever and most times, at least from my recently cut into memory, it’s all a bunch of bad stuff. I totally understand. You are reading the words of a girl who came home on Tuesday and had a meltdown that might eclipse any meltdown I’ve had in a few years. And I’ve had some pretty big meltdowns over the past few months.
This blog is not going to be a rehash of everything that has gone wrong in my world over the past how ever many months. A brain tumor, surgery, and several deaths. It’s sucked. For the longest time I had a note on my mirror that had a quote from a radio veteran from here in the DFW area. Her name is Sammi G and I went to do an interview on her Fishbowl Radio Network one day. We got to talking after I was done and she said one thing that really stood out to me “Be grateful. You’re still standing.”
What did I do? What every rational human does. I got a dry erase marker and wrote it on my bathroom mirror. I’m gonna tell you…if this isn’t something that you do…write notes to yourself on your mirror…you should. Reminders, inspirational quotes….whatever. It’s pretty genius if you ask me.
On Tuesday somewhere mid-meltdown day, I erased that message and wrote a new one. I’ve been such a firm believer in the idea of “You get what you give” for so long. You give 100% to something, you get that back. I’ve figured out that my thought process is great in theory, but the reality of it is untrue. You can’t make anyone give anything they’re unwilling or unable to give. My male feline son, for example. I cannot make him produce a gallon of milk right now. I, on the other hand, under the right circumstances, could. Our ability to give isn’t balanced AT ALL. My way of thinking is the way that I believe that life should be in the way of relationships and jobs, but unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. Most of us work our asses off every single day and should be millionaires. We aren’t. But we still go to work everyday and bust our butts everyday. Back to the point. I erased my “Be grateful you’re still standing” and replaced that with “”Give what you get.”
In theory, that sounds awesome. So tough and rigid and like I’m finally growing a backbone. In reality, my non-milk producing feline son is laying on my arm, causing it to go numb as all I want to do is type. He snores, he drools, he bites. He gives me very little in return other than an occasional head butt when he sees that I need some kind of sign of affection. It doesn’t even out, but that’s what he can do. I accept him for what he’s capable of. I love him like he came out of me. Thank goodness he didn’t because I’d probably still be peeing hairballs. 9 years later. You get the idea, though.
This is going somewhere. I promise. I ‘m just trying to give some background as to the odd thing I’m showing gratitude for today. Coming to accept the reality of giving what you get. It’s never going to happen. It’s not me. We live in a selfish, effed up world where there are so few thoughtful, trustworthy people left, it’s scary. When the amount of people I’ve cleansed out of my life over the past however long is far higher than the amount of people left standing in it, that says a lot. Either about me, my values in the people I want in my life, or the people I know. But it does all come down to one thing. And that thing is what I’m grateful for today.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’ve experienced the closure I’ve needed in parts of my life and that my world is better for it. I’ve not. I was really on the right path to doing that when this whole brain tumor happened. Then there was the surgery and now the recovery. It’s kind of hard to move mountains when you can’t lift over 30lbs. But I still have my eyes set on the goal. Closure of certain chapters of my life for the sake of beginning new ones. Necessary closures that have been dragged out for way too long.
I’ve thought a lot about my love (or maybe obsession) with Tegan and Sara. I liked their song “Walking With a Ghost.” I knew the words and would sing along to it. But then Heartthrob came out and it was like a big slap in my face. A lot of their words reference relationship stuff, but I see it as a broader base type thing. Maybe yes, still relationship, but relationships beyond the person you kiss goodnight and fall asleep with. Maybe your family or friends or whatever. I can just do a couple of song titles and I think you might understand “How Come You Don’t Want Me.” “Now I’m All Messed Up.” “I Run Empty.” All about those things or those people in your life that just suck the life and energy out of you until you’re defeated. Then you’re tossed aside like you have nothing to give because, at least in that area of your life, you don’t.
I guess it’s one of those 7 or 8 or 12 step realization things when this happens. You feel mad, sad, go into denial, blame someone, guilt…whatever. Feel those things because it’s better to just go ahead and get them out of the way now so they don’t come back and haunt you 9 years later. There’s something that’s really easy to forget in this process, though, and that’s the fact that any kind of relationship or partnership takes two sides to make it work. The boss has to reinforce you with rewards, raises, bonuses, and paychecks when you loyally do your job well day after day, year after year. Your significant other deserves the same “thinking of you” text during the day that you believe you deserve. Family is a weird thing. You cannot choose your family. You’re just born into it. So it’s kind of on the older members of your family to make sure that it’s a loving, healthy environment you’re brought into. You cannot sacrifice your soul to spend holidays with a house full of alcoholics or meth addicts or child abusers or whatever the case may be. It’s unfair and will eat you alive if you let it. So why should you give yourself…your sanity and your well being…if they’re willing to give none of that in return? You shouldn’t! While it sucks, there’s a point where you say OK, well, I tried. I see that these people are unwilling to make the changes necessary to keep me in their lives and therefore I have to walk away.
I need to look back into grief counseling because I need to deal with the losses in my life. Ethan still haunts me. That’s been a blog topic since it happened, so I won’t get into it again. Kidd’s passing is something that I’m not willing to publicly get into completely because in the grand scheme of things, he was a part of my work family. And my work family is bigger than just him and me and I cannot say anything to hurt or offend or put any undue emotion on anyone else. B.J.’s passing I think is one that I still haven’t fully grasped. I’m mad at myself for a lot of reasons in regards to him. I know with all of these things it’s easy to sit and scratch your head and say “how in the heck is this girl grateful for closure when she has none regarding all these issues in her life?” Here’s how.
Closure is the light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. This is a really, REALLY personal peek behind my brains curtain from yesterday. There was a big KKITM photo shoot yesterday. The cast did their pics first. Ever since DISH Nation became a part of the KKITM day, I’ve not been an official part of the cast. I have no links on the kiddnation site. I was not included in the cast photo shoot. After the cast finished, the support staff all went for one big group photo. It was quick and painless. I wear two rubber bracelets on my right wrist without fail. My Ethan and Rolando bracelet and the bracelet from the golf tournament Kidd was at when he passed away. I also had on my survivor band for Brain Tumor Awareness Month, which is in May, BTW. I get home and start taking my stuff off at my bathroom sink. I don’t know if I was a little aggressive with it or if it’s just been put on and taken off so many times, but my Who Dat golf tournament bracelet broke. One the day of the first cast photo shoot I was not a part of in probably 10 years. Maybe it was a coincidence, or maybe it was Kidd’s way of giving me what this whole blog is about. And what I’m telling you that I’ve learned to be grateful for.
Monday, April 21, 2014
-Respect isn’t given, but it’s earned. Just because you walk into my life with a clean slate does not mean that I’m obligated to respect that clean slate. Same goes for me. I don’t expect you to respect me until you know me. Why would you? Why would I (at least if I’m in my right mind) expect you to? Why would I want you to? If I don’t have to EARN a spot in your life, I probably don’t want to be in your life. I’m nobody’s time killer or boredom solution. I want a bigger role than that and I want you to want that of me. It’s respect reciprocated.
- Pace your goals. You never want to catch yourself in a position of asking yourself “now what?” I don’t want to say don’t fall victim to your own success, but that’s kind of what it is. Unless that success makes you wildly rich and then you can spend your resources doing good for the world. I’m not there. I’ve done the job I grew up wanting, I live in a cheap apartment, and I ask myself all the time “Now what?”
- Love is truly the greatest gift ever. It can hurt worse than any physical pain in the world, but it can also lead your world in the right direction. I’m talking about self love along with the ability to love other people.
- Find people who will love and support you through your worst instead of use it as an excuse to run.
- Have people in your life who make themselves available when you’re willing to be vulnerable enough to say “I need you.”
- Yeah, it’s great to look good. But what about putting in the work behind it? You think about the guy who steals the $100,000 car and feels like such a bad ass driving it, but what did he do to earn that spot in the drivers seat? A whole lot of nothing. And that makes him nothing more than a piece of crap for not walking the walk. Earn your place in this world. People might pretend to turn a blind eye to it, but we’re not all as stupid as we might be forced to act as we are. Sorry, but it’s true. Maybe you’re the dumb one after all.
- There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know that you’re loved. It comes in a lot of ways. Whether it be a first thing in the morning text letting you know you’re the first thing on their mind or a random card sent just because you want them to know they’re thought of. There’s a lot to be said for the act of loving another person. In my mind, it really is what makes life worthwhile. Self-love is imperative. Don’t get me wrong. But to be able to share yourself with others is the best! I mean it really, really is. I’m sitting here typing this with tears in my eyes because I realize that I’m missing so much of that in my life. There are a love of people that I love, especially since there are so many levels and types of love. But do I have that “I love you” text or call that’s the last thing I see or hear at night? That warm feeling to fall asleep with? And it’s not a “love u.” I can’t even get into this. I’m willing to share just about anything, but this makes me have that lump in my throat that won’t go away and I’m not in a place to handle that feeling at the moment. I’m sorry.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And take note of those who are willing to give it. Make a note in all caps and in bold of those who offer help and actually follow through with it. It takes a special kind of friend to keep their word…especially when you don’t beg them to do something in the first place. Make a mental note of that.
I have more, but I have to tread lightly on some of them. SO I guess I will do that. Meanwhile. I will post this flyer for the music fest I’m hosting on May 4. It’s in Dallas and you can get tickets here.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
I can’t claim to be an expert on anything at this point in my life, but there’s one fact that I do know for certain. And I can thank my nephew, Hunter, for reminding me of this today. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, so I’ve decided to start a blog of “Shanon’s Rules to Live By.” They’re my rules and for sure may not work for you, but maybe some will. Who knows. If nothing else, maybe you will kill a minute or two at work reading this. So here goes.
- Always find something to look forward to. Even if your only motivation to get out of bed in the morning is knowing that you can crawl back in it that same night, FIND SOMETHING to get you going. Mondays suck, but they’re a necessary part of getting to Fridays. There’s a bright spot in everything, you just gotta find it.
- Kidd used to say to have one song you know how to play on the piano or guitar or whatever. I know nothing more than Mary Had a Little Lamb, so I’m changing that up a bit. Always have a go to SONG for every mood. When I’m mad at the world, you’ll find 30 Seconds to Mars “The Kill” blasting in my car. When I need a wake me up song, it’s Tegan and Sara "Goodbye, Goodbye.” I also have songs I avoid at all costs. Randy Newman’s “You‘ve Got a Friend in Me” is one of them. Travie McCoy “I Need You” is another. I can’t play much, but I can listen to whatever I want to.
- Never, ever be too proud to apologize when you owe that to someone. It may really, really suck admitting you were wrong. But you know what? If the person on the receiving end of that apology is worth your while, they will at least respect the fact that you worked up the nerve to offer it. They may not accept it right away or ever, but there’s a lot to be said for someone who can look you in the eye and admit when they’re wrong. And actually mean it.
- Be cautious with second chances. I know they say that everyone deserves one, but they don’t. That’s a bunch of crap. There are lines a person can cross that aren’t forgivable. This is an extreme example, but would you forgive someone who got mad at you one day and stabbed your eye out? I wouldn’t. I might be able to understand somewhat if they had a mental issue that led to that action, but I wouldn’t forgive it. And I certainly wouldn’t be in a room alone with that person again. Which leads me to my next point.
- Not everyone deserves to have YOU in their life. I mean that both in a good and bad way. I know I don’t deserve to have to live a life full of abusive people. On the flip side, they don’t deserve me in their lives because I’m better than that. Self-preservation is a big deal. Sometimes the process of realizing this and making moves to act on it sucks, but it’s life. Life blows sometimes. God gave you the power to choose because he wants you to use it to better your life. You can make choices and invite those who enrich your life into it and give the middle finger and file a protective order against those who don’t. Don’t abuse that power, but don’t forget you have it, either.
- Stuff happens. Plain and simple. If you don’t believe me on this one, you obviously don’t know me. It’s not what happens that defines you. It’s your reaction to it. I would be lying if I tried to tell you that I’ve never been mad enough to put my fist through a wall. I have. But I’ve never done it. Why? Because with maturity comes the competency to take a step back when you get to your boiling point. Only a coward believes in the use of physical harm to solve a problem. Unless you have to defend yourself. Then you do what you gotta do. But seriously. A million apologies can come your way after the punch has been thrown, but at that moment, with the draw back of the arm and the clenching of the fist and then throwing it at your gut or face or whatever, it’s a conscious decision. And irrationally conscious decision. That act in itself shows immaturity and the lack of ability to handle life. Arguments happen to all of us. Words can hurt, but at least they require courage to say.
- Don’t buy into the guilt. It’s easy for someone else to try and pin their faults on you. They might say that you made them feel a certain way or you made them act a certain way. But as cliché as it may sound, unless you held a gun to their head and threatened that act or their life, you didn’t make them do anything. One of the worst people I’ve ever met did teach me one very valuable lesson. No one but you has the power to MAKE you do anything. You hear about people blaming Mick Jagger for his girlfriend’s suicide Really? Did he tie the rope around her neck and then take all the weight of her body and force it on her neck? It’s easier to blame it on him because you don’t want to accept the fact that your loved one made a poor choice. A selfish one. I’m speaking from experience. The thought has crossed my mind, but I tell myself I’m not selfish nor am I a coward. I might be stupid or dumb or think irrationally at times, but I own it. I face the consequences of my actions and then some at times. If you need to think of it this way, do it. Why would you give anyone else that power over you? To give them the credit in making you do anything? Own your actions. Suffer the consequences. Quit blaming the world because you suck. We all suck sometimes. Learn the points that you suck the most and try to fix them.
- Find the joy in the little things. Seriously. Like a kiss on the nose from your cat. Or the uncontrollable wagging of your dogs tail when you get home from work at night. The sound of the wind chimes hanging outside your window. The sunrise (behind you when you’re driving) or the sunset. Bluebonnets. A fountain drink from 7-11. A picture taken in the park. A hug you’ve been wanting from a person you miss. The million pictures you take of the people you love. Take it in. Take in every second of it. Understand that this was never promised to you. Don’t take it for granted. Savor that spoonful of icing. Remember the scent of your significant others neck when you hug and kiss them every day. The look on their face when you shared something wonderful together. Even if you didn’t have a camera to capture it, your mind is more powerful than you think. It’s the best camera in the world. Take it all in.
- Never be afraid to cry. I’ve learned this over the past however many months. I’m not even joking when I say that last night I lay on my floor, head buried in my elbows, sobbing because I messed up gluing some letters onto a piece of canvas. It may not seem like a big deal to most, but to me, at that moment, it was. Why? Because it was meant to be a gift. Because it was a sign to myself that my hands could work with my head long enough to accomplish this. Because I believe very much in the power of being thought of. This stupid 8 x 10 canvas was my way of showing thought. And excitement. And I put many hours into making it what it was. But just like that…I ruined it. It broke my heart. It showed me again that my hands and my head don’t agree yet. My chance to show my thought and excitement was ruined because I put too much glue on the bottom of some wooden letters. I was a hysterical mess to the point that I knew my neighbors could hear me and expected a knock on the door. To you it may have just been a crafty waste of time, but to me, it was a small way of showing that out of sight isn’t out of mind.
I guess I am at a stopping point for tonight. I need to shower since my meltdown kept me from getting to that part of my usual routine. So that is a must tonight. But I’m going to add to this as stuff comes to mind. So I hope that you keep clicking back to see when additions are made. Thanks everyone.