So it has been brought to my attention that people feel the need to go and assume that they know whom I’m talking about when I write very non-specific stuff. So to those people I say GET A LIFE. There’s no need to go telling people what I’ve said if I name no names. You don’t know what or who is going on in my world. Mind your own damn business and don’t read my stuff if you’re just gonna go assuming stuff and being a kindergarten tattle tail. I’m not stupid and I know who it was who felt the need to “report” me to the person they assumed part of my last blog was about. To this person, who I will not name (but I’ve got you figured out), I say THANK YOU for creating more drama than I have a tolerance for. Your allegiance is obviously not to me, so please save us all a LOT of trouble and just unfriend me. If you don’t, I will just unfriend you by the end of the week. Your choice.
With that being said, I will move on. I can tell you that when I try and sum stuff up in my little world right now, the first thing that comes to mind is the B.O.B. song “Out Of My Mind.” Here’s a link to the music video if you’re not familiar with the song. It has bad, bad words in it. You’ve been warned.
This past weekend was Pride weekend, but I didn’t take part in the events. I was kind of a wasted existence this week and weekend. I woke up at 3PM yesterday. I got very little done except for a couple loads of laundry, went to SAMS and bought chicken, and made dinner. How lame am I? I don’t really need you to answer that. I already know. I spent some time in the SAMS club trying to find the bulk package of umbrellas. I know that at some point in the last week, I saw a 2 pack for $19.99 or something. Which is a heck of a bargain considering the ones at other stores average about $14.99 a piece. I’ve never stressed about an umbrella before, but the way the covered parking is set up at my apartments, I have to walk quite a ways to get to my car in the morning. So with the weather changing, I’m sure I will have to walk in a downpour at some point and an umbrella will certainly come in handy. I searched all of the aisles, but I didn’t find them. So I still don’t own an umbrella. I guess I can just go with a trash bag over the head if need be. I did buy a bulk box of those. Like 120 of them for $10 or so. That’s practically trash bag stealing!
I had to go to Wal Mart today to buy some of the usual small stuff I use during the week. Steam in a bag carrots, tortillas, beans, peanut butter crackers, Rain Berry Gatorade (it’s the best…especially if you dilute it)…and that kind of stuff. I tried to buy an LED MagLite the other day because it was on a rack that said it was $7.99, but when the lady rang it up it was like $30! So I didn’t buy it. Gotta be financially responsible, you know? So anyway, walking down the aisles I realized that my brain is my own worst enemy. I over think everything to the point of a panic attack. Buying a gift for a kid has taken me up to 3 hours before because I cannot make up my mind. How much is appropriate to spend? Well this toy requires batteries and makes loud noises…but the kid wants it. I know this toy says it’s for ages 6 and up, but man those cars are little. What if the cars get lost within a day? Then it was a wasted gift and a waste of money. I can make a decision and talk myself out of it in seconds. And by the end of the 3 hours I go right back to where I started. The same toys end up in my same hands and I could have saved myself an awful lot of time, energy, and thought if I would just shut up already! I exhaust myself.
Well the reason I told you about that is this. I am in a rut. One of those ruts where I don’t want to leave the house. Every text message chime makes me want to break my phone in half. And today was an interesting one for me. The morning show is on Dish Nation now. I’m very happy for them. But with the TV show, I seem to be in the way most of the time or just invisible. I knew that I felt something was off, but I didn’t know what words to use for it until our HR director came in today and gave me a pep talk. She said that I’ve allowed myself to become invisible. Hearing those words come out of her mouth was like getting kicked in the chest. Here I thought that I was feeling uneasy with the transition and finding my place with a new purpose and new people, but I mean really…she’s right. I’m not exactly sure where I have gone wrong in allowing myself to get to this point. I just know that I don’t want to be here. I know that I have so much to offer in whatever capacity is thrown at me, so it’s time to step it up. I’ve got to pull myself out of my funk and get my butt in gear. I should be the go to DJ for the gay and lesbian community around here. I’m not. Why is that? Because I haven’t hit the ground running. That’s why. I shouldn’t have to have my bank app on my phone to make sure I am ok with money. I should be at a point in my life where I just know it’s ok. And I can go buy the Beats By Dre headphones I’ve been wanting or the Adidas hi tops I want and not feel incredible guilt afterwards. I have worked my ass off for as long as I can remember. It’s time for me to start leveraging the name recognition that I have and do big things. This isn’t one of those things where I post on facebook that I’m ready to become a runner or something. I think that getting myself driven and going again is what I need for my sanity. To take all the crap that goes on in my head and make something of it. I owe that to myself. Now I just need to put together a plan on how to do this.
I know that my confidence is not where it should be. My personal relationships are suffering because of this. There are several conversations that I need to have with people, but I haven’t done that because I’m not convinced that my thoughts are valid. Really? I mean seriously Shanon. Get a grip. If I feel it, there must be some driving force behind it. I’m a girl and a lesbian and I know that we create our own drama. I get that. But I have taken it to a level that is unacceptable. I’ve got to get my head on straight and get my stuff done. I think that I am probably too money driven and that I’m never going to be happy until I feel financially successful. Of course I want to have passion for what I do as well, so money can’t be the only driving factor. But in reality…it’s a big one. So I’m going to work on this. Our HR manager said that she will sit down with me and help me work out a plan to get this thing going already. I’ve got so many ideas, but now I’m finally finding the drive to put them into action. So I GOT THIS. I’m going to learn to be happy with myself again. Then my confidence will show and I can start to take control of all the other stuff I’ve allowed to slip away.
This is really long at this point. It’s important stuff though people. Maybe my introspection can help you get your junk in gear and make some moves and changes. When all I do is sit in my apartment playing SongPop for days on end, what do I have to lose? Maybe the same applies to you.
Thanks for reading. I hope you have a fantastic week.
Oh and P.S. I apologize to those who have gotten the wrath of my crazy mind set lately. I’m working on it.