I’m really about to buckle down and start figuring out the process of publishing a book. Why not, right? I’ve got stories, experiences, lessons, thoughts, and stuff to tell. Maybe someone will read it. In an effort to get that going, blogging will become more of a priority to me. I always get such a good response with posts I should do it more often anyway. I’m thinking maybe a theme day once or twice a week just to keep some train of thought going. I’m open to ideas and suggestions, so feel free to share them. I’m going to start doing Thursday blogs on something I’m grateful for. I’m not your typical “I’m thankful for the sky” thinker, so this might get interesting.
One thing I’ve noticed lately is that I’m a little over Facebook. Not the idea. I love reading posts that are original and funny or thought provoking or give some insight into someone’s life, but now it’s so full of ads and viral videos that I don’t care to see 700 times a day that it’s just wasted on me. So some days I just look at the pages of people I care about and that’s about the extent of it. You see that Facebook asks you how you’re feeling today or right now or whatever and most times, at least from my recently cut into memory, it’s all a bunch of bad stuff. I totally understand. You are reading the words of a girl who came home on Tuesday and had a meltdown that might eclipse any meltdown I’ve had in a few years. And I’ve had some pretty big meltdowns over the past few months.
This blog is not going to be a rehash of everything that has gone wrong in my world over the past how ever many months. A brain tumor, surgery, and several deaths. It’s sucked. For the longest time I had a note on my mirror that had a quote from a radio veteran from here in the DFW area. Her name is Sammi G and I went to do an interview on her Fishbowl Radio Network one day. We got to talking after I was done and she said one thing that really stood out to me “Be grateful. You’re still standing.”
What did I do? What every rational human does. I got a dry erase marker and wrote it on my bathroom mirror. I’m gonna tell you…if this isn’t something that you do…write notes to yourself on your mirror…you should. Reminders, inspirational quotes….whatever. It’s pretty genius if you ask me.
On Tuesday somewhere mid-meltdown day, I erased that message and wrote a new one. I’ve been such a firm believer in the idea of “You get what you give” for so long. You give 100% to something, you get that back. I’ve figured out that my thought process is great in theory, but the reality of it is untrue. You can’t make anyone give anything they’re unwilling or unable to give. My male feline son, for example. I cannot make him produce a gallon of milk right now. I, on the other hand, under the right circumstances, could. Our ability to give isn’t balanced AT ALL. My way of thinking is the way that I believe that life should be in the way of relationships and jobs, but unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. Most of us work our asses off every single day and should be millionaires. We aren’t. But we still go to work everyday and bust our butts everyday. Back to the point. I erased my “Be grateful you’re still standing” and replaced that with “”Give what you get.”
In theory, that sounds awesome. So tough and rigid and like I’m finally growing a backbone. In reality, my non-milk producing feline son is laying on my arm, causing it to go numb as all I want to do is type. He snores, he drools, he bites. He gives me very little in return other than an occasional head butt when he sees that I need some kind of sign of affection. It doesn’t even out, but that’s what he can do. I accept him for what he’s capable of. I love him like he came out of me. Thank goodness he didn’t because I’d probably still be peeing hairballs. 9 years later. You get the idea, though.
This is going somewhere. I promise. I ‘m just trying to give some background as to the odd thing I’m showing gratitude for today. Coming to accept the reality of giving what you get. It’s never going to happen. It’s not me. We live in a selfish, effed up world where there are so few thoughtful, trustworthy people left, it’s scary. When the amount of people I’ve cleansed out of my life over the past however long is far higher than the amount of people left standing in it, that says a lot. Either about me, my values in the people I want in my life, or the people I know. But it does all come down to one thing. And that thing is what I’m grateful for today.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’ve experienced the closure I’ve needed in parts of my life and that my world is better for it. I’ve not. I was really on the right path to doing that when this whole brain tumor happened. Then there was the surgery and now the recovery. It’s kind of hard to move mountains when you can’t lift over 30lbs. But I still have my eyes set on the goal. Closure of certain chapters of my life for the sake of beginning new ones. Necessary closures that have been dragged out for way too long.
I’ve thought a lot about my love (or maybe obsession) with Tegan and Sara. I liked their song “Walking With a Ghost.” I knew the words and would sing along to it. But then Heartthrob came out and it was like a big slap in my face. A lot of their words reference relationship stuff, but I see it as a broader base type thing. Maybe yes, still relationship, but relationships beyond the person you kiss goodnight and fall asleep with. Maybe your family or friends or whatever. I can just do a couple of song titles and I think you might understand “How Come You Don’t Want Me.” “Now I’m All Messed Up.” “I Run Empty.” All about those things or those people in your life that just suck the life and energy out of you until you’re defeated. Then you’re tossed aside like you have nothing to give because, at least in that area of your life, you don’t.
I guess it’s one of those 7 or 8 or 12 step realization things when this happens. You feel mad, sad, go into denial, blame someone, guilt…whatever. Feel those things because it’s better to just go ahead and get them out of the way now so they don’t come back and haunt you 9 years later. There’s something that’s really easy to forget in this process, though, and that’s the fact that any kind of relationship or partnership takes two sides to make it work. The boss has to reinforce you with rewards, raises, bonuses, and paychecks when you loyally do your job well day after day, year after year. Your significant other deserves the same “thinking of you” text during the day that you believe you deserve. Family is a weird thing. You cannot choose your family. You’re just born into it. So it’s kind of on the older members of your family to make sure that it’s a loving, healthy environment you’re brought into. You cannot sacrifice your soul to spend holidays with a house full of alcoholics or meth addicts or child abusers or whatever the case may be. It’s unfair and will eat you alive if you let it. So why should you give yourself…your sanity and your well being…if they’re willing to give none of that in return? You shouldn’t! While it sucks, there’s a point where you say OK, well, I tried. I see that these people are unwilling to make the changes necessary to keep me in their lives and therefore I have to walk away.
I need to look back into grief counseling because I need to deal with the losses in my life. Ethan still haunts me. That’s been a blog topic since it happened, so I won’t get into it again. Kidd’s passing is something that I’m not willing to publicly get into completely because in the grand scheme of things, he was a part of my work family. And my work family is bigger than just him and me and I cannot say anything to hurt or offend or put any undue emotion on anyone else. B.J.’s passing I think is one that I still haven’t fully grasped. I’m mad at myself for a lot of reasons in regards to him. I know with all of these things it’s easy to sit and scratch your head and say “how in the heck is this girl grateful for closure when she has none regarding all these issues in her life?” Here’s how.
Closure is the light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. This is a really, REALLY personal peek behind my brains curtain from yesterday. There was a big KKITM photo shoot yesterday. The cast did their pics first. Ever since DISH Nation became a part of the KKITM day, I’ve not been an official part of the cast. I have no links on the kiddnation site. I was not included in the cast photo shoot. After the cast finished, the support staff all went for one big group photo. It was quick and painless. I wear two rubber bracelets on my right wrist without fail. My Ethan and Rolando bracelet and the bracelet from the golf tournament Kidd was at when he passed away. I also had on my survivor band for Brain Tumor Awareness Month, which is in May, BTW. I get home and start taking my stuff off at my bathroom sink. I don’t know if I was a little aggressive with it or if it’s just been put on and taken off so many times, but my Who Dat golf tournament bracelet broke. One the day of the first cast photo shoot I was not a part of in probably 10 years. Maybe it was a coincidence, or maybe it was Kidd’s way of giving me what this whole blog is about. And what I’m telling you that I’ve learned to be grateful for.