Tuesday, April 29, 2014

This life theory is a load of crap...

"You can't lose what you never had to begin with."

It's either a life quote that's supposed to make you sound smart or a line from a movie. one or the other. Either way, one thing holds true. It's bull-ish. 

Yes you can. 

Let's say you put the down payment down on a house you're building, but then a storm comes and destroys it and floods the land. Destroyed. List. And all of the hard work you put into saving up for the down payment and picking out the perfect piece of land and floor plan to fit your needs now and in the future are gone. Just like that. You never really had it, but you worked your ass off for it. And it's lost much easier than it was gained. 

Not a good enough example? Fine. Here's another. You spend how many years and thousands of dollars on a college education so you can get that career of your dreams. You graduate and the economy tanks. The jobless rate skyrockets and you're screwed. But you're overqualified for that dream job. The placement rate at your school is like 98%. You do everything right. But  before it's ever really yours POOF. It's gone. 

If you don't get the point, I can't help you. You probably weren't in an Ivy League college with a fabulous future ahead. And that's ok. I'm in your arena. I bought "Grieving for Dummies" and I don't get it. Maybe book reading isn't my strength. Or maybe I'm just not that smart in general. Whatever. 

The point is this. I say that the theory is bull because plans are something. Hope is something. I can tell you that I've been holding onto hope for dear life and it's feeling more and more like people are getting off on putting baby oil on my grip. What's the point of getting out of bed in the morning if you don't have hope? It's not tangible. You're never gonna get to actually touch it. But that doesn't mean you can't have it. I'm sitting here on my couch...my head is pounding. I just lost my dinner. My mental state is worse than it was when Ethan passed away...and all I'm asking God for is a thread of hope that won't get unfairly stolen away from me. Ripped up, shredded, packed away...whatever the case may be. I need something. If you don't have something, that leaves nothing. And that, friends, is no life to live. 

I bust my ass to have the things that I do. Lately I jump through friggin hoops for a stinking phone call. And today...for the second time in a week...I found myself saying enough is enough.Even more than that, I FELT it in my heart. I feel it as I get email after email from people wanting things from me. People who ask me for what they desire before they ask how I'm doing or even saying hi. It has eaten away at the very spark of my soul. Oh, wait a second..there's another one. It's a follow up from last weeks "this is what I need from you" email. Let me take care of that. I just can't. 

What's it gonna take? I don't need to be a millionaire. Hell, I don't want the taxes.  But I damn sure deserve options outside of a 604 square foot apartment. I just want to be HAPPY for crying out loud. Is that a crime?
As someone who has had many plans unfairly ripped out of her grip, I call BS on that theory that you can't lose what you never had. 

Yes you can. So write some more lies whoever wrote that one in the first place. 

It's a terrible feeling when you think you see an end in sight....or at least share a common vision...and the WHAM. Out of nowhere POOF. Be gone. I never HAD anything more than the hope or the vision. But I'm telling you it hurts like hell to let go of something else I never had. 

So suck it whoever said the thing this blog started out with. 

1 comment:

  1. Often I find myself wondering what the point it. I get up every day, go to work, come home and the next day start it all over again. Even if there is a weekend to look forward to or a special event that is coming, once it has passed, life truly is a matter of lather, rinse and repeat. I can't even justify complaining because I do have a job, a home and a family that I love and that loves me. Just some days it feels like there is no point. Why do we put one foot in front of the other. Yet every day I do put one foot in front of the other because I am not a quitter and I do have hope that this will all one day make sense.

    I hope your health will give you a break, that you can find that hope to hold onto it an let all of the negative people float away from you. Figure out a way to separate yourself from the takes and spend more time with people that are just happy to be around.

    I don't know you except from the radio but I do understand your plight. Know that you are not alone and that even if you do have everything, sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Hugs to you and hang in there.