Monday, February 3, 2014

Cosmo list and no more Kelly Clarkson

My head is so full of stuff it might explode. I have no one on standby to clean up such a large spillage (because my brain is big, duh), so I gotta get some of it out. So I've taken the Cosmo list of ways to make your man happy and commented on them. Cuz I know what makes men happy, right? I really don't. But as a girl who probably thinks a lot like a dude, I can comment on the list.


1.Buy him candles. Guys don’t buy them for themselves, but nobody wants to stink like single boy all the time. So take care of it for him. 
2.Tell him what you’re thinking. Really Cosmo? Isn’t it easier to just say nothing, pout about it, and leave him guessing? Most of the time honesty will just lead to a fight, so shouldn’t women just suck it up and accept the fact that no matter what our reaction, a man’s gonna do what a man’s gonna do?
3.Wash his car. Again…Really? Are we talking about dudes without arms and hands to wash his own dang car? Doesn’t being able to take care of his ride emasculate the man? Women already do everything else, so washing his car seems to be taking “serving your man” just a little far.
4.Watch baseball with him. What’s more annoying than that poser sports fan girl who goes to sports bars just to look cute in the jersey reaping the player they’ve never heard of? What guy wants to have to entertain his girl while he watches sports? Maybe Cosmo hired an idiot to write this. 
5.Bake home made cookies. Yes Cosmo Because we don’t go to work every day. Or deal with kids. We don’t want to curl up in a ball and cry once a month. Nope. We’ve got nothing better to do than bake your stupid cookies. They’re just gonna contribute to the belly fat you always complain about. Shut it, Cosmo. 
6.Order pizza. FINALLY something realistic. Maybe while you’re waiting for the pizza delivery man to come you can wash his car and bake him cookies. 
7.Play video games with him. Men have man caves for a reason. Yes. Some nerds like gamer girls. There’s nothing wrong with that. But your average woman does not want to sit and play your stupid Madden game with you all weekend long. Be real, guys. You don’t want this…
8.Teach him a new recipe. Ever heard of Google, Cosmo? If he wants to cook, have him look up a recipe and do it. Let the woman sit down and be served for a change. Does Cosmo truly hate women?
9.Pretend you care about what he’s talking about. So, basically lie. Look him in the eye, smile, laugh, and pretend to listen while you’ve really got your to-do list going through your head. 
10.         Make his bed. It’s HIS bed. Compare the time it takes for a woman to get ready in the morning versus the time it takes a guy. It makes no sense for a guy to expect for his woman to make his bed in the morning. Stupid cosmo.
11.         Put air in his tires. Yeah, maybe the days of chivalry are over if a man expects his woman to wash his car and check the tire pressure while she’s at it. Here’s a thought. That’s what mechanic guys are for. If you need air in your tires, go get it at the gas station, guys. Or go do whatever people do to keep their tires intact.  
12.         Watch movies with him EVEN if you hate it. And you KNOW you’re gonna get the same in return. Relationships are give and take, right??What a load of crap, Cosmo.
13.         Take him fishing. What’s romantic about hooking live worms to catch disgusting fish…some of which can hurt you…and then cut it up to eat? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 
14.         Throw his laundry in with yours. Finally something that makes a little bit of sense. Save yourself from your man turning all of your stuff into pink colored clothes. Kill two birds with one stone. Make him think you’re sweet, but it’s really kind of saving yourself. 
15.         Get into a TV show with him. What’s this??? Two reasonable suggestions in a row? Did they fire the first idiot who wrote numbers 1-13 and hire someone who gives a crap???
16.         Buy him clothes. As a girl, I know I wouldn’t want any dude buying me clothes. Like Big Al’s obsession with giving me panties. And knowing how big my butt and waist are in his vanity glasses covered eyes. Is it the same for guys? Is it an insult to his current wardrobe if you show up with a bunch of brand new clothes for him, is he gonna take it as an insult??
17.         Don’t complain about the remotes. Yeah, I guess. Unless he never hands them over so you can watch what YOU want to. Technology is complicated and we all know that those universal remotes never work. So deal with having three remotes to deal with and move on.
18.         Have a homemade taco night. Random much? Why not tilapia night? Or spagetti night? Why the specific taco night? I’m confused. 
19.         Get him a deep fryer. Isn’t it your dream to go over to your mans place to the smell of 200 degree grease frying up those pickles that go straight to your hips? And then he finds you less attractive and blah, blah, blah. This one is pretty stupid if you ask me. 
20.         Organize his sock drawer. I’m starting to think that Cosmo sees women more as a mans maid than significant other. Goodness knows you have nothing better to do than order the socks that soak up his sweat and smell delicious. 
21.         Make coffee and give it to him in bed. AHHHHHHHHHHH. This is officially ticking me off. Where’s the part in all this where he gives something? Pour your own dang cup of coffee. Get your butt out of bed and brush your stinky teeth. Go pee and wash your hands. Kiss your woman and THEN go get some coffee. 
22.         Tell him he’s special. Stroke his ego. Put yourself aside and make him feel like the God that Cosmo apparently wants your man to be. 
23.         Compliment his facial hair. Just forget about the rash you get on your face when you kiss him. Learn to spit out the beard and mustache hairs that get caught in your mouth because he has an unkept face.
24.         Bring him a burrito. And I’m fairly certain that you’re expected to feed it to him so that he has to do nothing more than chew what you put in his mouth. I cannot STAND boys. 
25.         Bring him two burritos. Yes. Spend your lunch break taking him burritos because he’s obviously incapable of sustaining life by getting his own meals. 
26.         Tell him you have a work party…then tell him he doesn’t have to go with you. Heave forbid your man show some support for you? Heaven forbid that he reciprocate your doing things even if you don’t want to. 
27.         Trade back massages…but let him receive first. Men aren’t selfish at all. You know that after your neck rub makes him all relaxed and sleepy he’s gonna get up and give you a massage to ease your stress. Honestly, giving him a massage first is setting yourself up for failure, laides. 
28.         Get a storage drawer for your accessories. For all you ladies who take your earrings off and then just toss them on the floor…
29.         Grill every night for a week. Steak for a week straight. Because nothing spells romance like bloody, red meat and the smell that sticks with you like fajitas in a mexican resturaunt.

30.         Take him to see his favorite band. As long as it’s not Nickelback. In fact if Nickelback is his favorite band, call it a deal breaker and dump his ass.

Also, if you want to know who has replaced Kelly Clarkson as my celebrity crush, I will tell you now. It's Sara Quin. Or Tegan Quin. It's super hard for me to admit defeat, but Kelly is pregnant and still hasn't called or emailed in spite of having my info. So maybe it's time to move on. It hurts me deeply to say this, but it's what I must do. I feel like Tegan and Sara and I would get long brilliantly. Seriously. I've watched their performances and the stories they share and I'm like DANG. I could so be one of them if I had any singing or song writing talent. I won't launch a full on effort to talk to them or whatever. I'm leaving it up to Jesus, God, and Teddy Bears. If it's meant to be it will be. If not, well, I just add them to my list of let downs, which so far includes Kelly Clarkson. So if you're friends with them or in their fan club, help a sister out. I promise to pay you back in the form of some craft I make. 

Thanks in advance!


  1. lol i have to agree with a lot of your comments. Sounds like cosmo is trying to bring back the 50's women where they were expected to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. Kind of wonder if who ever wrote all these really understands that we have moved on in the past few decades and these dont exactly work that way anymore.

  2. Wow, good thing you don't like men! The title of this should be "Ways to Selflessly Love Your Man"

  3. I <3 you, Shannon! The voice of reason... Stupid Cosmo - Shannon ROCKS!!

  4. YES to so much of what you said (even though I'm not into dudes) especially #30 Also, Tegan and Sara are the best.

  5. But a relationship is 50/50 or 40/60 for women. Or am I wrong?

  6. very funny. we all agree that list was written by a man, right?