Wednesday, February 26, 2014

This one might make you think

I don’t consider my body to be an old one, but I do think I have an old soul to some extent. I’ve always been a caretaker. To an absolute fault. I have always been willing to allow other people to chip away at my livelihood and suck every ounce of me out of my being. Stupid. I know this. But there is a time in a persons life where reflection becomes key. Actually learning from your mistakes becomes a true value in your life and you recognize that all of your past mistakes were just that. Mistakes. And it’s on you if you continue to tumble down the same path over and over again, always landing in the same thorn patch, but expecting the thorns to get softer over time.

Then reality hits. That’s not how life goes AT ALL. If you live in Texas, the thorns probably get stiffer and the piercings hurt worse every time because the heat just dries up every droplet of moisture they used to hold. The life is sucked out of them and they’re dead inside and only good for one thing. Inflicting pain on you. You can get mad at the thorns at the bottom of the hill every day of your life, but that’s what they are. Thorns. Meant to protect what’s underneath no matter how deep they have to get under your skin.

There’s really no cryptic meaning behind this blog. I guess the fact of the matter is that at this point in my life, I’ve learned the value of an honest and sincere apology. An “I’m sorry” that’s not said flippantly with some underlying motivation behind it. A selfless apology to someone it’s owed to. Not so that they will becomes your BFF again. Not even so they will give you another thought again. But a heartfelt apology given simply because you owe them that.

Here’s the part that sucks about getting to a point in your life where you can swallow your pride and finally give that honest, sincere apology. Sometimes there’s a point of no return. Let’s face it. Life goes on. Period. End of story. It’s like when you’re a kid and you stay home sick from school one day. Your mom takes you to the drug store for meds and you’re shocked that life actually exists when you’re supposed to be sitting in a classroom. When we lose someone, time doesn’t stop ticking no matter how much you want it to. I know that I’ve found myself pretty ticked off at the world for going on after some of the losses in life, but that’s on me. Getting mad at the rest of the world fordoing what they’re supposed to do is just stupid and a total waste of energy. So why even bother?

I’m such a girl. I know how easy it is to get caught up in emotions and what if’s and shoulda, woulda, coulda. It’s all a bunch of BS. It changes nothing. Obsessing over it is nothing more than self-sabotage. It’s pretty amazing what having hit after hit after hit in life can make you open your eyes to see. I see the value in the people that I choose to keep around. I see that the people I choose to block out of my life don’t deserve my time or attention. Making that choice did come with some serious soul searching and, of course, guilt. But I can’t sacrifice my self worth for the sake of praying that other people will finally open their eyes and see who I really believe myself to be.

Needless to say this though process has led to a lot of time alone. That’s good for the soul though, right? The journal I keep has probably saved my life. I’m human. I’ve admitted my darkest thoughts before. I truly believe that sometimes I’m incapable of letting anyone else understand me. But again that’s what life is about. Seeing your flaws, dealing with them in your own head, and making the conscious choice to make the changes necessary in your life to keep the cycle from repeating.

Again, this is just a train of thought I’ve had lately. It’s directed at no one in particular. It’s funny how people read this stuff and have the ego to assume it’s about them. For all I know sometimes they’re right. I’m human and sometimes I fail to connect the dots. And then I get hated on and all the stuff that comes with making someone look in the mirror. Cuz guess what? If I read a blog and someone was talking about a purple haired 6 foot tall clown nosed prostitute, I wouldn’t assume it was me because I can look in the mirror and recognize that none of it fits. But if someone wrote about an insecurely secure 5 foot 5 freckle faced white girl, it might cause me to reflect and relate. It’s like I wrote on my FB page the other day. Idiots are going to be idiots no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise. Sometimes we are dumb enough to give into the façade and to believe the long string of lies that come out of their mouth. You live and you learn (hopefully) that those POS people aren’t worth your energy. It’s wasted. You might as well go stare at the sun and wait for Elvis to come and do a private concert for you. WASTED. And that whole life is about the journey thing is true. It is about the journey and the things you learn on the way to the destination. But even more importantly it’s even more about what you choose to do with what you learn. Do you ignore it? Do you use it to avoid the same mistakes again? Do you push it aside, expect that it will change over time, and then fall into the same thorn bush again? Life really is too short for that (I’m about to cuss…sorry) COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULLS**T!  Take it from someone who feels like crap every day now because of my stupid surgery. I’ve never felt great, but I’ve never in my life gone to bed feeling like this for months on end before. It’s going to be this way for a while. That’s the reality of it. So what do I do with that? Do I go to bed earlier so that maybe I will be asleep before the worst of it hits? No because I’m not that smart. But here’’s a little peek inside of what’s left of my brain.

I sit in my bed and feel like crap. I ache. I want to throw up. My head hurts. I’m dizzy. It just effing sucks. I could give into the here and now and say screw this…I’m supposed to accept feeling this way for up to a year after the surgery? I don’t have the energy for that. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t have the energy for that. It’s been really hard for me to put off the simplest things so that I don’t kill myself in this recovery. I want to be able to do a 5K and not get winded or tired. But as it is now, I can’t keep enough food down to even get up and down my stairs without getting winded and tired. I have to stop midway up every single time because that’s the stare of my body. Now what? I will tell you now what. I sit and I think about the times when I was happy. When I was working out every single day and felt like more than this tub of goo. I tell myself that those days are not gone and I use that as something to look forward to. It’s the small things in life and the value that you put on them that can really make or break your spirit in the end. I’d be lying if I said that my spirit was all here because it’s not. I’m feeling defeated beyond anything I think I deserve. And I keep telling myself that good things are coming because I am a good person. When I have the energy for it, my heart is full of give a sh*t. The day will come when I can get back to the path I know is meant for me, but for now I’ve just had to take a little detour. And I truly believe that even though I had given myself a deadline for making big changes in my life…and that day has come and gone and I’m still right here…that things are working out the way they are supposed to. In the end I will look back on my journey and feel confident that I took it the best way I knew how. And maybe even showed and help a few others find their path along the way. That’s a pretty perfect destination, don’t you think??


  1. I'm so sorry you are having to go throw all of this. It is hard when all you want to be doing and should BE doing is living life. Doing what matters the most. Doing the things you enjoy. Being with the people you love.
    Hoping those days come quickly again. Keep looking up Shanon.

  2. Hi Shannon. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation as you. She had brain surgery right around the same time you did and she too is going through these same moments as you. I told her that I did not think anyone can truly comprehend what has happened unless they have been with you the whole way. I say look at you yes you feel terrible and you cant do as much as you want to but look where you came from and where you are heading. It takes a long time to fix a life time problem and the fact that you can even write and read is a miracle. You are a fighter so keep on fighting and dont put such high expectations for where you should be and go a little easier on you. You have done such an amazing job!!! keep up the good work and I read every post or blog yu place and as a health care provider all I can say is wow!!!! Look at you go!!! Big hugs

  3. Shanon~ I really wish I could hug you right now. It makes my heart hurt to hear how you are feeling. I know you have had too many bad things happening to you at once, but I hope you can look around you and see all the love surrounding you. Because that is all this crazy thing called life is really about. Love, In every form imaginable is happening to you. When you lose someone, what do you really feel? Love. The love for the person you lost, love from people who sympathize with you. When you are sick, love is sent to you from all around. Literally. Try to focus on all that love in your life, and always listen to your heart. And don't forget that it is okay to love yourself as much as you love everyone else too. If you focus on these things you can't go wrong. Your wonderful sense of humor is your best defense. Chin up girlie! You're going to be okay! LOVE YOU!! <3 <3

  4. For what it's worth, I think you're doing an excellent job! And remember that for every bad feeling you have, u will have an equal and opposite positive feeling when the time is right. You can't appreciate the good times without appreciating the bad times as well. ♥ u!

  5. Still praying for you Shanon! My heart breaks that you are going through this! You will get past this and move forward in true determined Shanon fashion! You know that Kidd is on the other side and is your cheerleader as is your nephew. I'm babbling but just wanted to add my support for you! We are strangers but yet you are like family! God Bless girl and praying and that the healing speed changes to super fast overnight!!!!

  6. Shanon, I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. God has a plan, and even when we do not know why, or have any answers, we are to trust that He has it all in his plan. I love your FIGHTING spirit to keep going!! You are a strong woman for going through ALL these changes. I will continue to pray for you daily. Love & Hugs to you!! God Bless!!