Well, Christmas 2013 is done. December 20 is gone. My do or die date got tossed when all this surgery stuff happened. I guess it's all part of the universes plan for me. I'm not too fond of it, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm trying so, SO hard not to get frustrated, but if I'm being honest, I'm crying a little as I write this. I am very blessed to be alive and be able to see and hear. That isn't lost on me for a second. My neurosurgeon even had a hoodie made for me. It says "Blessed" on the front and has "Murphy" on the back. I gave him a Superman hoodie in return because he's 1/2 of the surgeon team that took my tumor out. I'm not sure that the other surgeon would want a Superman hoodie, so Dr. Dickerman gets the prize. Yay him!
It's weird that right after I had my surgery, I went and got my eyes checked and my vision tested fine. But when I try to read or focus on things, it's not happening. I've got this motion sickness patch that I wear behind my ear. I was on 25mg of Phenergan, but that wasn't helping. So now it's Zofran and I still can't keep stuff down. And with the vomiting comes achiness and moodiness and I'm just tired. But I've got no appetite, so I guess that helps with the vomiting. I was doing better with holding onto things, but now I suck. Like I posted the other day I broke my Otterbox case from dropping my phone over and over on the carpet. My nephew spilled root beer in his Mac. I know how to clean under the keys. But I kid you not when I say it took me well over an hour to get just one key back on. I've gone from being pretty dang independent to this. I'm grateful to be alive and to have people to help me with things, but to go from working every day and going home to my tiny apartment and getting naked whenever I feel like it is a big change.
I can't complain because the fact is that I'm ok. I'm just used to living my life without anyone having to miss work to take cafe of me or call my doctor when my face swells up because I got too tired and had some kind of allergic reaction. It's hard for me to wrap what's left of my brain around. I'm not driving because I don't feel comfortable with it. I feel almost like out of body. I've never questioned my ability or willingness to drive, but now I'm scared. It's one thing if my dizziness gets the best of me and I drive into a pole or something, but it's another since I'm not alone on the road. I have driven maybe a quarter of a mile to WalMart, but I knew I would be an idiot to try any further.
Crying really has become my hobby. I'm sure I have occasional pity parties. I had plans! I'm supposed to be in Maui right now...instead we had to FaceTime my sister and Orlando when we opened gifts. I miss my sister. I miss a lot of things and a lot of people, but it's out of my hands to change the circumstances.
Anyway, enough of my progress report. It's Christmas. I did pretty good for myself. I got a seriously cool camera, my favorite brand of sneakers, a family photo picture frame from my nephew, a bag full or refried beans and a Target gift card from Kellie Rasberry, a beautiful book from Mr. and Mrs. Rasberry, a Hawaiian hoodie from Maui, a couple of new beanies from Kellie's best friend, Amy, a life proof phone case from my parents and sister and Jeff, and Santa even put vodka in my stocking so I would have it when I can drink again. I'm gonna be a really cheap date whenever that day comes.
Oh, Keith got a set of coasters made out of old records, I got an Amazon gift card, a cute little hat and matching scarf, a cool crafty bowl full of candy, and I think I can't remember what else. I know that Christmas is about being with friends and family and not the gifts, but now I have an extra set of sneakers to contemplate wearing. That can take up like 12 minutes in the day. And I've got lots of time. So it goes beyond that for me right now. The camera is something I can mess with until I've got it down to an art, so I'm glad to have it.
Next up? New Years eve. I don't think I've ever been nervous about the New Year before. I think maybe I'm scared because this year started out and I was happy and on top of the world. But then life happened and that feeling faded. Sucks. But I can only control my thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions. So I'm trying to convince myself that 2014 is going to be the year that things turn around for me. Since my do or die deadline has come and gone and I made no progress, maybe giving myself a full year to figure out whatever it is that I'm trying to figure out is more realistic. Baby steps and a lot of patience with myself are very necessary. I'm not good at either. But I will try.
Oh, I've been destroying my hands making those wreaths made of ornaments. I will post a pic. The hand holding the glue gun seemed to put hot glue on the other hand more than it did the ornaments, but it's OK. I'm gonna keep an eye out for clearance ornaments and stuff so I can make more and sell them next year.
Thanks for sticking with me. It means the world. It kind of sucks when you go through a big life ordeal and you see people's true colors. At least it sucks when their colors are bad. So I'm going to focus on those with goodness in them in hopes of becoming a better person on this journey called life.
And BTW. Have you ever gotten a flu shot right after surgery? Don't do it. That dang shot adds $46 to your bill. That's nuts.
Merry Christmas, you guys. And thanks again for the continued love and support.