2013 had a pretty great start. It was the beginning of my getting to know some fantastic people most of which pretty far from home. There was a lot of time spent in airplanes and airports, but worth every minute of it. I’m grateful for the people I met who embraced me. They took a chance on me since I live in a different state. Some may have requested my license plate number and a vial of blood first, but I guess I seemed ok enough. Their generosity and open arms won’t be forgotten. So to them I say thank you.
I have to talk about my sister telling me they decided to move to Maui. This news didn’t set well with me at all. I got the text while I was at work and had to excuse myself to my car to have a meltdown. I support them in their decision, but it’s hard having my sister and her husband 3,000 miles away. It’s especially hard since I wanted to go out there during Christmas break, but die to this surgery and recovery junk, I won’t see them until March or June. We did FaceTime opening gifts from each other, which was nice. but certainly not the same.
I won’t forget making the drive to the airport when I got a message from B.J’s best friend telling me he was in the hospital. He was put into a coma and passed away the day of the Concert for Kidd’s Kids. He was a great guy and I consider myself so blessed to have gotten the chance to know him.
I cannot speak of 2013 and not mention Kidd’s death. The man was a genius. He was funny, creative, and so incredibly business savvy. I didn’t go to the golf tournament in NOLA this year because it was my sister’s last weekend in town. But she went on a girls trip, so I flew up north for a birthday celebration. I had my phone on the patio table, and when I saw it, I had two missed calls from Kellie and a text from Al telling me to call her back. Kellie said she wanted to be the one to tell me the news of what happened. I lost it. I felt like I hadn’t proven my loyalty to him or the show by not being there with them when it happened. I know that beating myself up over it does no good, but it crosses my mind a lot.
The transition of the show has been an interesting one. It’s really a difficult task to step into the studio and have a show when it’s obvious that the name sake is gone. I think that we have done our best to deliver a product that Kidd would be proud of, but I know it’s different for everyone. We are all just really grateful for those of you who have stuck with us.
No matter how sick I am of talking about it, I have to mention this dumb brain surgery I had. It’s not been easy at any point. It’s hard to convince myself that the people who have been around to help want to be there and don’t consider me a burden. I feel like I’m just that. I tell you that I cry a lot and that’s one of the main reasons. I suppose it’s sort of a peek into the value I hold in myself to be unable to accept anyone wanting to help me. I’m crying just typing this. It all happened so quickly and I tried to time it out so that I could finish off the year at work and not cause anyone to miss work, but it didn’t happen that way. If you know me, you know that my job is a huge part of my identity. Work period is a huge part of my identity. I’ve not done that in what seems like forever at this point. And, if you want more honesty, I’m feeling pretty terrible. I can keep nothing down. Today I woke up feeling worse than I did when I had the flu with some nasty projectile vomiting. Food is like an enema to me at this point. I fight to keep it down as long as I can so I don’t die of malnutrition. It’s gross, but that’s how it is. And I get so many messages from people telling me I’m an inspiration and they admire my strength. I feel like I’m letting them down. I don’t feel strong at all. No part of my life is what I want it to be right now. I hurt someone i care a lot about, my parents worry about me instead of taking it easy on their time off, and day after day I wake up and it’s the same damn question. Now what? It’s exhausting and I’m not strong. Not at all. I’m losing my ability to even fake being strong. I’m sorry to be a big disappointment to everyone who comments on my strength. It’s a front. A pathetically weak front.
In the meantime, Happy 2014 to you and even if this year was a great one, I wish even more greatness to come. And thank you from here to the moon for all of your love and support.