Tuesday, November 29, 2016

No more living a lie


I feel like I’ve been living a lie for a little over a month now, but I did it for my own sanity. I also did it in hopes that my current reality would change, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

After a long time and having built a family of people I love so much, my relationship has come to an end.

Break ups can be emotionally filled and, on my end, this one has been. I feel like I have failed so many people that I care about and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. I know what I would do differently in the future, but that doesn’t change anything from the past.

There’s no right way to have a break up when there are kids involved, so we did it the best we knew how. I hope that it was easier for them than it has been me.

Being my age and living in your parents spare bedroom is a tough pill to swallow. But we do what we have to in hopes that it turns out for the best, right?

There could be fingers pointed and stuff said, but it’s not worth the hurt. Why would I intentionally damage the people who have been my world for almost three years? I take plenty of the blame myself. Hindsight really is 20/20, but looking in reverse doesn’t do much when you’re trying to move forward.

I am still crazy about the people I have loved so much and I am truly grateful to have had what I did. It taught me love that I didn’t know I was capable of. It has also dealt a loss that I cannot begin to describe.

So, if you see me around and my face is pink and puffy, chances are you caught me right after a meltdown. We do the best we can, but sometimes it seems like we fall short, right? I know that I’m dreading anyone asking where my GF is at the company Christmas party on Saturday. I’ve tried my hardest to keep things to myself in an effort to preserve hope. Hope that maybe time and distance would allow some healing to happen. Hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that one’s not always true.

Now I write this in the interest of self-preservation. For everyone who has heard stories about my kids and my family and would usually ask how everyone is doing, please don’t. Please don’t say any unkind words about anyone involved, either, because I care very deeply for them and no unkind words are needed. Sometimes the best journeys take unexpected turns and it’s hard to get back on course. Sometimes you get lost and you don’t find your way back. It sucks, but that’s just how it goes.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last. I do know that it’s gotten harder and harder as the time has passed. Losing the four people you saw every single day and kissed, hugged, and covered up every night is painful beyond words. My hope at this point is that the kids all know how much I love them and that know that my failures as a grown up don’t reflect them at all. IT doesn’t change the fact that I love them dearly. They deserve the world and if I couldn’t be a part of their completed puzzle, I hope that it all comes together soon.

So, now what? I honestly have no idea. Thank goodness my mom and dad have a twin-sized bed in the spare room. And thank goodness my nephew moved out the week before I moved in. I keep hoping that I will wake up to see that this was just a bad dream, but I guess I must be in a sleep coma.

That’s really all I’m willing to say about that. Now I need to go and wash my face again.

17 comments:

  1. Sorry Shannon hope but like Kidd would say, keep looking up that's where it's all at❤

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  2. Boooo! Break ups are hard! Sorry :( Having been there, it will get better. Take the time to grieve the loss, but then get back out there! Thats what you do next!

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  3. Hugs girl! I admire your grace and attitude. Love you!

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  4. Keep your head up buttercup! Although it hurts like hell, It will eventually get better. You will smile again, and you will love again. I myself went through this 9 years ago, and when kids are involved it seems 10 times worse. I do not want to give you false hope, because I do not know the situation, by after 4 months, we reconnected, and now have been together every since and have a beautiful 7 year old daughter and a wonderful life! Take time for yourself. Hugs to you Shannon

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  5. Breakups are tough kiddo and nobody can say anything to you that will help ease your pain. Only time can do that. I have been there a time or two and I can tell you that no matter how bad it hurt and for the love of all that is holy it did hurt, time did in fact heal the pain. They say when one door closes another one opens and in my case when the door finally opened again my now husband walked through it. I kept waiting for him to become like all the rest, but after 20+ years he still hasn't. :) Take all the time you need to heal your heart and remember there will be sun again. *hugs* They call me Mama D

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  6. I'm so sorry Shannon. I know it's not easy. And sometimes the pain takes a really long time to heal. Just keep doing you. Sometimes it feels like that's all I have. Some days there are family and friends that make it brighter. Hopefully things will seem better sooner rather than later for you! Praying you're heart aches a little less.

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  7. This was difficult to read so I can only imagine the pain of writing it. There are no words of comfort when your world has been rippedal away from you and everything that felt like steady ground begins to crumble beneath your feet so fast you are not sure you will ever stand again. There is something about that love that instantly makes you feel like you have been alive for the first time, that when it goes away it takes the very breath that you feel is keeping you alive. There is a ache inside so deep it cannot be touched by anyone or anything. As someone who has lived a similar nightmare, please know that there is healing that comes and the proverbial sun does shine again. There is a good heart in you and there will be better days ahead. I so hate to hear this is your current reality and hope that things will turn around for you soon. May your journey of healing be one that is filled with people who love you and the goodness needed to help you get through this devastating time. It truly is a grieving process, I pray that the healing brings you to full emotional health.

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  8. Oh no. Sweet girl. Take your time to grieve. I know it seems like the end of the (your) world. Use your energy to give yourself some time to mourn the loss of your of old life before you begin creating your new life. Breathe. Cry. Love your parents. Don't forget you're still you. You can and will get through this. Try to remember to be grateful, even when it feels impossible. Xx,H

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  9. Oh no. Sweet girl. Take your time to grieve. I know it seems like the end of the (your) world. Use your energy to give yourself some time to mourn the loss of your of old life before you begin creating your new life. Breathe. Cry. Love your parents. Don't forget you're still you. You can and will get through this. Try to remember to be grateful, even when it feels impossible. Xx,H

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  10. Shanon, I am so sorry to hear this. I know how painful break-ups are. Especially when children are involved. I wish there was something that I could say that would take the hurt away..but only time will heal your heart. I would hope that your former significant other would realize the relationship you and the children had and find it in her heart to somehow allow that relationship to continue.

    At the end of the day, the children are the ones that will hurt the most.

    My heart goes out to you. But you have many friends (even though you don't know most of us) that love you, care about you, worry about you, and follow your life like you are a relative.

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  11. I'm so sorry for this hard time. You don't know me but I've know you for years. No good advice or blah blah words. But I'm sorry and thinking of you all.

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  12. Im so sorry! You are so right...break ups are never easy. Like my mom always said to me..."In order to heal it; you've gotta feel it." You'll get there. It all takes time. ��

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  13. Hey Shanon, I went through a very similar situation this past summer. I lived with my SO for just under three years when things hit the fan. There were no kids involved, so I'm sorry to say I can't relate there, but it gets better. I didn't want anyone saying anything bad for a long time. It still stings when someone will say something about him that they wouldn't have said before. I wished every day it was a nightmare I would wake up from. But, I pressed on. Slowly, the tears stopped. My heart stopped crumbling. I was able to hold it together and get through it. Bad days still come and go, but good days out number them. Stay strong Shanon. All the love and good vibes I can offer sent your way.

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