Do you ever look at the people on your Facebook friends list of your cell phone contact list or whatever list…just the people in your life and wonder how they view you? I think back to yesterday’s show when Kellie was talking about Chris Brown’s ex as a doormat. Are you someone’s doormat? Am I someone’s doormat? Maybe it’s something you don’t really want to face or acknowledge because it sucks. It’s way easier just to try and talk yourself out of it or ignore it than it is to face the reality that you’re better than this person gives you credit for.
It’s almost inevitable that most of us are going to have a job at one point in our lives that someone we work for or with isn’t going to see our value. A company is made of so many people from so many different backgrounds and personalities and goals…you’re going to butt heads. But that’s a circumstance where you kind of have no choice but to suck it up at times because you have to pay the rent somehow, right?
I’m talking about feeling worthy in the lives of the people you choose to be around after you clock out for the day. Maybe you’re a family oriented person and the first call you make after work is to a family member. How do you feel when you hang up the phone? Did they lift you up somehow? Or did they make it their point to take your day and make it even worse because, somehow, that made them feel better about themselves? But they’re family, so you have no choice in the matter, right? WRONG!
The idea of family is a great one. You’re born into this group of people who SHOULD love you and support you and stand behind you no matter what. The theory is a great one, but the reality isn’t always anywhere near that. Who knows why people do what they do sometimes, but here’s the truth. You didn’t pick your family and no matter how hard it might be to come to terms with, you’re not stuck with them. Yeah, they’re probably going to try and make you feel about an inch tall when it’s clear that you don’t feel like you belong anymore. But just like any other relationship, it’s a two way street.
I always try to use analogies because I think they make things easier to understand. So here’s an analogy. Let’s say (in regards to the family thing) that you have a cousin who punches you in the eye every time your family gets together. It leaves a bruise and hurts like crap, but no one in the family does anything to stop it. Your only choice is to quit going to family stuff. Makes sense to protect yourself, right? At least to you it does. But then you gotta deal with the guilt of disassociating yourself from people who throw you to the wolves, so to speak. How is that right? I don’t know. I, for one, don’t think it is. I believe that if you were to continue to go and get punched in the face while no one even tried to protect you that it would make you a weak spirited person. A doormat. One that lays there while whoever wants to rubs there dirty, poopy, muddy, gummy, worn out, disgusting shoes on. Is that who you want to be?
Why am I writing this? I don’ t know if you’re asking that or not. You might not care. But I’m finding myself asking myself where do I fit in the picture. The family thing was an analogy. Just the big picture of life. What’s my purpose? I mean really…why am I here? I read messages from people who say that I’ve helped them in a bunch of ways. Whether it be coming out, health stuff, dealing with loss, or just random life whatever. I’m proud to know that I’ve made that difference for them. Beyond that, though, what am I supposed to be doing? I don’t think that God has me here for the sake of daily migraines and spending excessive amounts of time in my really dark bedroom. What’s the plan then?
I think back a lot on the past year and how I’ve asked over and over for the same thing. Good things for good people. I’ve seen it happen on occasion and I’m insanely grateful for that. I think maybe I’m feeling a little resentful and dumbfounded as to when that is going to become a consistent part of life. If ever. That might sound selfish and dumb, but I think everyone is allowed to think that way every now and then. Try not to beat me up too much for it. I know that I’m lucky to have you guys and the support and prayers and love that you’ve given. I’m lucky to be alive and able to function. I’m going to be honest. I want to function and not feel like crap. This is not me and I’m giving into it. Or is it really my new normal? I don’t deal well with uncertainty and I’ve got a lot of that going on.
I’ve tried backing off of the health talk because if I’m tired of talking about it, you’re probably sick of reading about it. But here’s a really long story short. Since the surgery, I’ve lost a lot of weight. I couldn’t keep food down for the longest. I’ve had a ton of tests done, but everything is fine with all the tests. There’s no for sure reason as to why this stuff has been happening…it just is. I’ve had stuff go down my throat and up my….and more to come. When I say two a days, it’s not football practice, it’s more migraines. You get the idea. It’s a whippin to type, so I won’t beat you down with more to read about.
So onto a couple of random things.
1. My Facebook like page is verified and that is exciting for me.
2. This blog says I have over a million views. That’s exciting for me, too. THANK YOU for continuing to support me and follow my journey through life. Especially the bumpy roads I’ve encountered every now and then.
3. I declare myself the worst cook ever. I ruined a pizza. How in the hell do you ruin a friggin pizza? I did. I still don’t know how. But I did.
4. Why does the crazy rat lady at Target judge me for shaving my cat because I’m allergic to him?
5. Why doesn’t Missy Elliott make new stuff? I love her music.
6. I finally gave in and got on the Pinterest, but I still don’t understand the point. Beyond quotes that I want to paint on fence post signs or whatever, what do you do with it?
7. Can a person’s head explode because they have so much going on in it and don’t know what to do with all of it? I mean really. Is that scientifically possible?
8. Why do I still follow Justin Bieber on Instagram? I just want to punch him in the throat and maybe knock some sense into him. I know he does good things, but he comes across as such a jerkface most of the time. Gosh.
9. Why can Iggy Azalea rap so good and I can’t? She even has an accent. I don’t. But she can rap fast. I can’t. Is it because the baby makers upstairs hate me?
10. My cat is a jerk. I’ve come to realize this. He truly is. He made me bleed yesterday. I clean his litter box, feed him, clean his butt, wipe his eyes, clean his ears, make sure his needs are met…and he makes me bleed. And sleeps. And poops way more than I think any living thing should. When I scoop his poop, I swear to you Must Be Nice guy sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear “Must be nice…”
And I guess for now that’s really all I have to say about that.