Thursday, January 16, 2014

I'm exhausting...

I think it's been a while. I'm too lazy to look at the date of my last post. But I feel like it's been a bit.

So. I wish that I had some groundbreaking something or another to tell you about. I really don't. I'm as sick of writing about feeling like poo as you probably are reading about it. So I will keep it short. Tomorrow I go in for some test that's supposed to make me want to throw up. It's to find out why I throw up. Needless to say I'm not looking forward to it.

It's so strange how much life has changed in the past three months. I am insanely blessed to be on the road to recovery. And to have health insurance. I cannot imagine how much the stress of not having it would be getting to me right now. So God...and Kidd...THANK YOU.

I'm still at mom and dads house on the elevated twin sized bed. My head is still not totally healed from the incision, so hair washing has become quite the luxury. Thank goodness for dry shampoo, right? I'm starting to think that I have too much time on my hands to think about how I feel. I need to get back into some kind of routine. So I'm hoping that the neurosurgeon has a medical release form ready for me to pick up tomorrow when I go to the hospital for this test.

I guess I'm one of those people who needs a purpose. I don't feel like I really have that right now. To go from full throttle Kidd's Kids mode to this is a far jump. And not a jump in the right direction. I just couldn't risk being a detriment to the show with my slow brain and hands. I need to get my confidence back. Maybe I will even work towards cockiness. Probably not, but the thought is cool. Life isn't waiting for me to feel better, so it's time to suck it up and move on.

I've had some pretty deep thought processes in all of my spare time. I will share some of them with you now. I'm going to end on the pointless one.

First off I catch myself being really bitter. As I've said before I've tried to be a good person and help others and set a good example for anyone who chose to follow mine. I've gotten pretty angry when I've thought about the sh*t people in this world and how little effort they put into their lives and, from my experience, their lives seem to be decent. Not saying that I don't have a decent life because I do. I'm just being a puss right now and I'm kinda hoping that sharing it with all of you who either agree or disagree and choose to spend your time telling me how screwed up my thoughts are can shed some light on the reality of life.

I keep a journal that no one has gotten to even look at before. It's EVERYTHING that I think about. Good and bad and everything in between. I got the chance to write in it a lot lately (although it might not be legible) to kind of just get it all out. Here's a tiny little peek into what I wrote.

How many chances in this world do drug addicts get to rehabilitate themselves and move on with life? How are child molestors who are married to people who know about their spouses sick acts given that chance? Why do people believe compulsive liars? Why do compulsive liars have such a sense of entitlement that they waste peoples time with the lies? What defines family? Are you obligated to forgive people just because somewhere there's some tie in your blood line? If someone screws you over time after time after time and then expects you to just move on and forget their wrong doings, does it make you weak to tell them no?

Those are just some of the topics I hit on. I can't get into the why's and how's and all that, but maybe the surgery isn't what gives me headaches...maybe it's my thoughts.

I look at the world around me and it boggles my mind sometimes.  That makes me no different than everyone else though. Don't we all overthink stuff and things and people and relationships? Somebody PLEASE tell me yes so I don't feel like the only over thinker here.

I posted something yesterday I think about stuff to look for in the person you marry. Some people hated on it (of course). I was looking at the comments earlier and there was one that stuck out to me. Someone wrote that you should be with someone who you look over at when you wake up first thing in the morning and you know that they think you are beautiful. I've never been married. I've never even had a relationship last more than 3 years. But when I do get married, it will be to someone I feel beautiful with. No question. No matter how you feel about your messy hair and stinky breath...you know that they accept it. And even more they look forward to kissing that stinky breath. We are all so conscious about ourselves (except for the sucky people who SHOULD be self-conscious) ...is it so wrong to make it necessary to have someone who sees in you what you might not always see in yourself? There are some negotiables, but in my opinion, this is not one of them.

Life is so full of questions and stressors and all the other stuff that I can't think of right now. In my opinion, the way that your spouse sees you should never be one of those questions. So I steal that from the person who made the comment and add it to the list that also wasn't mine and tell everyone to make it so....

On a much less meaningful note, I was overanalyzing the Cody Simpson song "Pretty Brown Eyes" earlier. If he can walk up to a lady and say "Hey there pretty brown eyes...whatchu doing later tonight..." and it work, why doesn't my line of "hey pretty lady" work? I could be someone's wave to surf or whatever he says. Is it because I don't have an accent? Do I need to become a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber to have a successful line? I don't find lesbians who could be mistaken for Justin Bieber or any other man for that matter to be attractive, so am I just screwed when it comes to using a line? Dang it. Why have I given a Cody Simpson song so much thought and attention? He's not even had a big hit here.

I think I just gave myself another headache, so I won't even get into my current imaginary fight that Kelly Clarkson and I are having. Let's just say that in my head, I'm winning.

With that, I'm gonna go blow my nose and prepare for tomorrow. Wish me luck!


25 comments:

  1. Shannon, you are awesome. And please know that there is someone out there for you, and plenty of us who think things just as random as you do!! One of my favorite movies is Titan AE, so I'll leave you with a quote from it: "Fight the good fight, Precious!!"

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  2. Hang in there and know you rock. You are my hero!!! �� I'm so proud of you

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  4. You are NOT the only person who overthinks! I overthink about overthinking! I drive myself crazy. I am 50ish and have been divorced for 13 years, unemployed for a year and just got a job making $8 an hour. I suffer with severe asthma each day and wonder if I will make it to the next. But, I know so many others have it worse than I do so I feel I have no right to complain. You are brave to share your thoughts and I enjoy reading about how you are feeling. Lots of us out here in cyber-land, who have never personally met you, KNOW you are an amazing person. I pray for you all the time. I hope tomorrow they can figure out what is making you so sick to your stomach. I feel better knowing that I am not the only person who has totally random thoughts! Maybe that's why I feel connected to you! :-)

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  5. i can relate to a lot of things here. i'm technically still married to a professor at the university of cincinnati. although my life some has to have some kind of purpose due to the 2 overdoses this year i'm more than lucky to be alive. i hope you find that special someone, lord knows i've been trying. it sucks giving your all and getting nothing in return. i know that might be a bit selfish, but it also comes down to self pride and self worth and YOU are worth everything you need and want. keep your head up, and always remember, "buy the ticket, take the ride" HST

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  6. YES....we all over think about everything, that is what causes insomnia!

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  7. Feeling useless because of your health is something I understand completely. I have debilitating chronic migraines almost daily as well as severe rheumatoid arthritis that they haven't found anything to help with either. It is very difficult to go from an active person to being told you can't do anything. As a proud mother if two active children, depression and bitterness comes often when I'm unable to do things with them. You definitely are not alone in over thinking, most intelligent people are prone to doing that. Best of luck in your tests tomorrow, you'll be in my thoughts and I look forward to hearing how they can help you!

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  8. Like everyone else I feel like you're my friend even though u don't know me. So as w any of my other friends I really like being able to hear/read your thoughts, so keep um comin shannon:) all the overthinking leads to good blogs and gives us a chance to tell u to keep fighting and listen to us when we say we love you:)

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  9. Good luck, Shanon. And for the record, you don't need to look like Bieber or anyone else. You are beautiful, on the inside and out. And you're not alone in your thinking, not at all. I have those same exact thoughts. I look forward to reading all of your blogs and seeing your progress. You're an amazing person who is destined for greatness. :) Keep your head up.

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  11. I think you are awesome and such an inspiration to people. My ex husband was the victim of a brain tumor that ultimately took his life. We were apart when he got sick, my life has gone on and I have remarried but his life and how it ended is something that "overthink" sometimes. I do it in those private times when I know that nobody can invade my head and know what goes on in there. He and I, despite our major marital problems remained good friends. In my reflecting on his life, I think the reason that it turned out the way it did for him is because he gave up. He had a sense of entitlement through out his entire life and when he got sick, that didn't change. He just didn't care, he gave up, and he thought that everything would happen the way it was supposed to. It didn't matter to him that he had a certain amount of control over that outcome. He knew he had to do what he was told and have a certain amount of responsibility for his own destiny. He just didn't care. His thoughts were that we all have to die from something, I used to tell him that perhaps he is right but not many people walk out in front of cars in order to tempt fate. He has been gone for almost 2 years now. It still bothers me that he didn't try harder. That he didn't take his meds like he should have. That he didn't stay active and eat right. He has a daughter and a granddaughter and not even they could inspire him to do his part. I stood on the outside looking in at a person who threw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may and it didn't work out so well for those he left behind. It is a sad state of affairs for his family now.
    YOU ARE THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF THAT SITUATION. I read your blogs, first because I was interested in how you were doing. Now because you are an amazing woman who has overcome a huge obstacle. You are working daily to make your world better, so that you can get back to making the world better for other people. Let me tell you that you are entitled to bad days, and tears, and anger...you just are not entitled to give up. I am so grateful to read that you haven't. If you are an over thinker, then so be it. It just proves that you can think, you are curious, you have opinions and that you are going to be around to figure everything out. I have every confidence that you will. Happiness and companionship, a life of purpose and marriage, children and celebrations are all going to be in your future because you care about all of those things. You are a big bright spot in the lives of a lot of people. I just thought you should know that. I think you should stay the way you are and continue to fight to get back to your normal life, with Kidds Kids and back in your job of making things happen for people!!

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  12. You are very strong and I am hoping for some answers for you. We miss you on the radio and want a full recovery for you.

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  13. Hi Shannon. I read your posts every time you write. I usually do not comment, not for lack of thought or response but the fact that I think what you are going through, we all go through when life is interrupted and normalcy is gone. Just a note - I had back surgery was supposed to recover in 3 months and back to work, after 6 months I found out something else was wrong and the original surgery was messed up. Second doctor got me in just as my 1 year off of work hit and lost my insurance..so now I owe 20k to the dr and hospital..thats after discounts. First surgery was 200k I paid 200 and the second was free until I found out insurance lapsed. Anyway, my point is, when your laying there feeling alone, lost, confused, unable to care for yourself and feel like an infant in a grown body...you want to die. When you start to get your able to care for yourself back, you start questioning EVERYTHING!!!! Even as a married person, I wonder, does he love me, am I good mother, what am I going to do for work (I can not do labor work anymore). Everything crosses your mind and you feel like your not even a member of society unless you count all the tv shows and movies you've caught up on or are now hooked up and never seen before all this. There is more to life than where you have been, where you were right before this, and what is important enough to be in your future. You also find out who your real "friends" are and who you count as "family". In my house, you never have to be blood to be family and rude is rude no matter who it is. You do not have to get along with family just because. Hold your head up high, and do some window shopping at the mall or target (dont use your credit card there! lol) I believe in you. You are awesome! As far as future husband/lesbian love, thats your choice..but I do agree..whomever chooses you should be willing to drop at a dimes notice just to see you, sick or stinky, makeup no makeup...he will love you, not all the accessories! <3 you!!! Be good!

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  14. Everyone over thinks stuff, Shanon! It is tough when you get stuck inside your own head!! Good luck on the vomit test tomorrow...sounds icky, but necessary. Hope you find answers quickly!! Cocoon and care for yourself...
    .

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  15. Too much time on your hands = deep thoughts. At least your mind is working like it should. Continue to think, heal and blog Shannon!
    In my prayers....

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  16. Boggles my mind too lol. I think you're beautiful. :P

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  17. You are truly awesome! And I've had some of the exact same questions.

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  18. You're probably barfing or felling like it because your brain is trying to make old connections, which aren't there anymore. There is a second think part in your abdominals - that's where the phrase "gut reactor" comes from. Blocked messages from snapping neurons are doing it - telling your deeper mind "BRIDGE OUT! JUMP!!" Eat lots of fish - ask Al for some salmon - tastes great w/plain ramen noodles & a little olive oil.

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  19. You're probably barfing or feeling like it because your brain is trying to make old connections, which aren't there anymore. There is a secondary brain function in your abdomen - that's where the phrase "gut reactor" comes from. Blocked messages from snapping neurons are doing it - telling your deeper mind "BRIDGE OUT! JUMP!!" Eat lots of fish - ask Al for some salmon - tastes great w/plain ramen noodles & a little olive oil.

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  20. Yes, you gave Cody to much thought...LOL!

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  21. Hey Shanon,
    I can definitely relate to the thoughts you are having (and probably the ones you aren't sharing). Last year I unexpectedly lost my dad in March and then my grandpa in Dec. Since then I've had some pretty not-for-sharing thoughts. Everything from 'why are we here' to 'does this sock match my other sock omg if someone notices this one sock is darker than the other they will judge me and hate me forever and omg why do i have so many mismatched socks???'. So yeah...not alone in that department. As far as analyzing the Cody song---you're on your own =] Kidding, I over analyze *everything*.

    P.S. This is my first time visiting your blog. A friend sent me the link. I'll be stalking...er, reading from here on out =]

    -Jessa

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  22. I am the wife of a man that has MS. I don't know that one disease or situation makes thinking any different. It is human nature to think about the what ifs, the whys etc. The one thing I think you need to give yourself credit for is the fact that you can talk about it. It was the hardest thing for my hubby. I didn't know what to say at times but you know there was times that I didn't need to do anything but listen. Once he started speaking about it things started to seem less tragic.
    You are doing an amazing job!! One day you will look back upon this experience as just that. God knows what he is doing and he will continue to lead, guide and direct you n the coming days. The one thing that I always tell my hubby. . . you just got to believe and have faith and God will take care of the rest. Blessings to you and your family.

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  23. I love you Shanon. You have such wonderful expressive insites. I love the way you think and that you express them no matter what. Keep looking up...

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  24. Shannon, you are an awesome person who has suffered a serious set back in life. I know you have lots of time to think and try to figure things out. You need to take it easy on yourself, and not worry what about tomorrow. You will succeed in this journey, even though it is taking so long to heal. Just hang in there a keep on doing what you are doing and in time everything will be the same. Sure do miss you on the radio, and am looking forward to you coming back....God Bless You Shanon, I pray for you every day!!! Hugs

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  25. I love reading your posts! Shanon, you keep it real and straightforward and THAT"S what I love about you....hang in, stay positive, and always remember, "This too, shall pass"

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