I think it's been a while. I'm too lazy to look at the date of my last post. But I feel like it's been a bit.
So. I wish that I had some groundbreaking something or another to tell you about. I really don't. I'm as sick of writing about feeling like poo as you probably are reading about it. So I will keep it short. Tomorrow I go in for some test that's supposed to make me want to throw up. It's to find out why I throw up. Needless to say I'm not looking forward to it.
It's so strange how much life has changed in the past three months. I am insanely blessed to be on the road to recovery. And to have health insurance. I cannot imagine how much the stress of not having it would be getting to me right now. So God...and Kidd...THANK YOU.
I'm still at mom and dads house on the elevated twin sized bed. My head is still not totally healed from the incision, so hair washing has become quite the luxury. Thank goodness for dry shampoo, right? I'm starting to think that I have too much time on my hands to think about how I feel. I need to get back into some kind of routine. So I'm hoping that the neurosurgeon has a medical release form ready for me to pick up tomorrow when I go to the hospital for this test.
I guess I'm one of those people who needs a purpose. I don't feel like I really have that right now. To go from full throttle Kidd's Kids mode to this is a far jump. And not a jump in the right direction. I just couldn't risk being a detriment to the show with my slow brain and hands. I need to get my confidence back. Maybe I will even work towards cockiness. Probably not, but the thought is cool. Life isn't waiting for me to feel better, so it's time to suck it up and move on.
I've had some pretty deep thought processes in all of my spare time. I will share some of them with you now. I'm going to end on the pointless one.
First off I catch myself being really bitter. As I've said before I've tried to be a good person and help others and set a good example for anyone who chose to follow mine. I've gotten pretty angry when I've thought about the sh*t people in this world and how little effort they put into their lives and, from my experience, their lives seem to be decent. Not saying that I don't have a decent life because I do. I'm just being a puss right now and I'm kinda hoping that sharing it with all of you who either agree or disagree and choose to spend your time telling me how screwed up my thoughts are can shed some light on the reality of life.
I keep a journal that no one has gotten to even look at before. It's EVERYTHING that I think about. Good and bad and everything in between. I got the chance to write in it a lot lately (although it might not be legible) to kind of just get it all out. Here's a tiny little peek into what I wrote.
How many chances in this world do drug addicts get to rehabilitate themselves and move on with life? How are child molestors who are married to people who know about their spouses sick acts given that chance? Why do people believe compulsive liars? Why do compulsive liars have such a sense of entitlement that they waste peoples time with the lies? What defines family? Are you obligated to forgive people just because somewhere there's some tie in your blood line? If someone screws you over time after time after time and then expects you to just move on and forget their wrong doings, does it make you weak to tell them no?
Those are just some of the topics I hit on. I can't get into the why's and how's and all that, but maybe the surgery isn't what gives me headaches...maybe it's my thoughts.
I look at the world around me and it boggles my mind sometimes. That makes me no different than everyone else though. Don't we all overthink stuff and things and people and relationships? Somebody PLEASE tell me yes so I don't feel like the only over thinker here.
I posted something yesterday I think about stuff to look for in the person you marry. Some people hated on it (of course). I was looking at the comments earlier and there was one that stuck out to me. Someone wrote that you should be with someone who you look over at when you wake up first thing in the morning and you know that they think you are beautiful. I've never been married. I've never even had a relationship last more than 3 years. But when I do get married, it will be to someone I feel beautiful with. No question. No matter how you feel about your messy hair and stinky breath...you know that they accept it. And even more they look forward to kissing that stinky breath. We are all so conscious about ourselves (except for the sucky people who SHOULD be self-conscious) ...is it so wrong to make it necessary to have someone who sees in you what you might not always see in yourself? There are some negotiables, but in my opinion, this is not one of them.
Life is so full of questions and stressors and all the other stuff that I can't think of right now. In my opinion, the way that your spouse sees you should never be one of those questions. So I steal that from the person who made the comment and add it to the list that also wasn't mine and tell everyone to make it so....
On a much less meaningful note, I was overanalyzing the Cody Simpson song "Pretty Brown Eyes" earlier. If he can walk up to a lady and say "Hey there pretty brown eyes...whatchu doing later tonight..." and it work, why doesn't my line of "hey pretty lady" work? I could be someone's wave to surf or whatever he says. Is it because I don't have an accent? Do I need to become a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber to have a successful line? I don't find lesbians who could be mistaken for Justin Bieber or any other man for that matter to be attractive, so am I just screwed when it comes to using a line? Dang it. Why have I given a Cody Simpson song so much thought and attention? He's not even had a big hit here.
I think I just gave myself another headache, so I won't even get into my current imaginary fight that Kelly Clarkson and I are having. Let's just say that in my head, I'm winning.
With that, I'm gonna go blow my nose and prepare for tomorrow. Wish me luck!