Just an update...

Another blog that’s been too long since the last one. I’m sorry about that. It’s been a blur lately and I’ve had a hard time making sense of things.

We can start with the obvious. We are trying to keep KKITM a show that Kidd would be proud to have his name on. It’s a lot different these days. I’m not saying different is bad. It’s just different. I had 14 years to “get” Kidd. And I think I had the man down pretty well. Now I’m trying to “get” the flow of a show without Kidd. Honestly, I think we’ve been doing a pretty decent job. Of course I’ve screwed up about 700 times already, but I’m trying and I can assure you that the other people in that studio are trying, too. Just be patient with us as we try and find our way in a world that used to have a super fancy, updated, top of the line navigation system built in. Now we are driving with a Mapsco, but as a team we are going to find a way.

I guess all I can really say is that the messages of love and support have been completely overwhelming. And that’s putting it lightly. The truth is that none of us or anyone else could ever fill Kidd’s shoes. That’s not what we’re trying to do. Kidd was a visionary in the radio industry. There are some radio sites that have tributes written about Kidd and how he has changed the entire path of morning radio. I knew he was great at what he did, but I didn’t understand the depths of it until after his passing. So now that the show carries on, all we can hope to do is follow the lessons that he taught us. We all knew that Kidd would retire one day, but we didn’t know that he would suddenly pass away. So while we mourn the loss of our leader, co-worker, and for a lot of us family member, we try and see the light at the end of the tunnel and do a radio show that you still want to listen to everyday. Growing pains SUCK, but they’re a necessary evil. I jut want to say thank you for your continued support of us individually and as a show. We’re gonna make Kidd proud….hopefully while you listen.

I’m going to cuss in the next sentence, so close your eyes or whatever if that offends you. Life has been a shit storm lately. I’m not telling you this because I want sympathy or anything like that. I’m just spelling it out.

Samantha did move to Maui. I still don’t know the words to say that would properly convey my feelings about this. I’m insanely proud of her and Orlando for just doing what their hearts told them to. Find new beginnings. Make new memories in new places without constant reminders of their pain. I know that a lot of people in my world don’t see it that way, but I think that being mad or upset with them for going is selfish and mean. They lost their baby. And for them every place they go here in Dallas sparks some memory made with Ethan before he passed. Which is comforting to some degree, but it just keeps the wound open just enough where it refuses to heal. They weren’t happy. There was pressure on them to have another baby. Again, not fair for anyone else to tell them that having another child would make them happy again. Ethan cannot be replaced. And implying that getting pregnant will fix everything is pretty much setting the groundwork for the thought that he could be replaced. That’s an unfair position to put them in. They will have another baby if and when the time is right for them. In the meantime, they’re enjoying their once in a lifetime opportunity to dive in headfirst. Do what feels right and live their lives for themselves. Sam and Orlando aren’t anybody’s parents. They owe nothing to anyone. So hostility about their choice to leave doesn’t set well with me. At all. And I won’t hear it. Yeah, I’m sad because Sam and I are really close. While moving to Hawaii with them sounds like a fantastic idea, truth be told I couldn’t even afford to have my car put on the ferry over there at this point. I have to get my crap together because the crap that I’ve allowed to weigh me down for so long is doing just that. Weighing me down. Making every move painful and stress filled. I had decided in my head to follow Sam and Orlando’s lead and do what I needed to do for me. But I guess the universe wasn’t aligned with my thought process and now I have to reevaluate. I guess certain things just weren’t meant to be right now.

Long story short…I’m proud of Samantha and Orlando for following their hearts. Taking the time to heal. Gaining distance from the pressures that only add stress to their already heavy hearts. Unfairly.

I asked last week for prayers for my friend BJ Reynolds. He was in bad shape. I won’t get into the specifics, but he had to be put into a coma and had brain swelling and a whole bunch of stuff that was awful. I went to the hospital last Tuesday to see him and it will forever be etched in my brain. I got a text saying that BJ passed away around 7:15 on Thursday night. That just so happened to be during the Concert for Kidd’s Kids. Bad timing to say the least. I called his dad immediately after I got the text just to hear his voice. I know he’s not OK. I know that he doesn’t care how sorry I am that I wasn’t there at the hospital when it happened. He told me the one thing that I’ve talked about not wanting to hear before. He’s in a better place. But it’s different this time. BJ really is in a better, pain free place. He’s struggled so much over the last 4 years and was living on life support, sustaining more brain damage every day. Had he been able to sustain his own life, he would have been a vegetable. He’s not that guy. So for the first time I truly do believe that he is in a better place. He will be missed by me and many others, but thank goodness BJ’s family has a super awesome support system to help lift them up. I’m so proud to be able to call BK, his dad Jerry, ad step-mom Kelly my friends. And as of last week, my two newest heroes.

Strength can be hard to find sometimes. Some of us can lie in bed for a week because we got dumped by a boyfriend of a month. Or because we didn’t get the promotion or pay raise at work. But to have to plan memorial services for your child is the ultimate in down. I’ve had to see my sister and brother-in-law do it. They both know how highly I hold them in regard. And now BJ’s parents fit in that same category. Jerry told me that he felt OK leaving the hospital when I was there visiting BJ in times past because he was my bud. If you don’t know BJ, here’s how I describe him. He’s kind of the brother I never had. We would call each other names and he took drunken videos of me saying inappropriate things. I didn’t worry about them because I trusted him 100%. I told Jerry and Kelly that I knew that if I had driven 45 minutes away to go out, got drunk, called BJ at 4AM and asked him to come pick me up 45 minutes away…he would do it. No questions asked. And he wouldn’t try to take advantage of my drunk lightweight ass. He was just that guy. Those kinds of people don’t cross my path very often. So I feel blessed to have been able to call him my friend and now I’m just as proud to call his parents my heroes.

Amber has been my rock through all of this.  And I know that’s been hard on her because we live so far away from each other. But she has been by my side, wiped my snot, dried my tears, and made me get up and do something. She wasn’t going to allow me to fall into the hole that I did when my Ethan passed away. I would do the same for her, but that’s always been me. I am a caretaker. I’ve not been one to allow anyone else to hold me up when all I wanted to do was fall. But I let it happen with her and I think that God is smiling down on her for being able to withstand my weight.

On a lighter note, what do you guys think of the show? Constructive words, please. What do you love about it? What could be better? Please don’t take this as an opportunity to be rude or hateful because I will just delete your post. Please give an honest answer of what you think needs to happen in order to keep KKITM alive in a fashion that Kidd would be proud to have his name on.

Thanks for reading.

Shanon

It's been a while...and a lot has happened

This is another one of those things where I don't know what to say. There's no right place to start. I've known Kidd my entire adult life. He started on the radio in Dallas in 1984 or 86. I was either 3 or 5 years old. So basically I've at least known of him my whole life.  He was not only my boss, but also like a dad to me. He taught me everything I know in the only skill I truly have. But it goes deeper than that. He has offered support to me at times I needed it the most. He taught me that celebrities are human, too. He cried with me when we lost Ethan. He had compassion that I never expected from a guy I grew up listening to. In one form or fashion, Kidd has been part of my world for most of my life. He and Kellie were my heroes. I was that person who would email and ask to just come watch the show. I never got a reply, but it meant so much just to express my admiration for them and the work they did. It was my dream to produce for Kidd and I did that. I got to be Kidd's extra set of hands. I learned his brain and I can tell you the man was brilliant. He was a perfectionist to a fault. When it came to this show and serving our listeners, satisfaction was impossible. Which can be tough at times when all you want to do is please the guy you've looked up to for so long. I believe that Kidd played an enormous role in molding me into the person I've become. I don't know if that's anything he would brag about, but I think I've come a long way in the past 14 years. I've seen the work that goes into all of the giving that Kidd has done. I know that the perfection he demanded was because he wanted to make the world a better place. He was tireless in putting together a staff who shared in his vision. We all fed off of his enthusiasm. I know that I went from a selfish 17 year old girl to one of his "go-to" girls. I learned to want to give to others. I learned to love. I was given the chance to form relationships that never would have otherwise happened. To think that Kidd brought people unlike anyone else into my life is something I will be forever grateful for. Kellie Rasberry has been a hero of mine for as long as I can remember and now she's more than that. I can say that I truly love most of my co-workers. Some of them haven't been there very long, so saying that I love them is a lie. Kidd would be pretty pissed if I lied about that. 

As in every relationship, we had our ups and downs. We're human. That man knew my buttons and took no shame in pushing them. But he also knew when I needed a hug and to hear "I love you, Shanon." Kidd was always a girly man with emotions both on and off the air. Like I said we did have a couple good cries together. But he also showed me a world I would have never seen otherwise. He taught me to lighten up a little bit. If you knew me in my younger years, you know what a big deal that is. I've always been one to internalize stress. Let it build up and consume me to the point of daily migraines. That's no way to live! So when I turned 17 and started in radio, I learned to laugh. I learned to accept the good with the bad. And you know what? Sometimes you could take the bad and make a bit out of it. Sometimes those bits end with you being detained by the police. I would have never been in the back of a cop car had it not been for Kidd Kraddick. 

Kidd personified perfectionism when it came to Kidd's Kids and KKITM. To the point that I would walk out of that studio some days and just bawl because I didn't want to let him down. Some days I would cuss  him the whole ride home. It's usually been a pretty short drive. For a few months it was a longer drive. And some of those I won't forget. 

Like when Taylor Swift was in town. The DAY OF the show Kidd tells me he wants an interview with her. Really?? I'm supposed to just pull back stage access with recording approval three hours before she takes stage out of my ass? Kidd's answer was yes. Get it done. So I did. I had Ethan that day. He didn't need no stinkin' shoes to meet Taylor Swift!! So I loaded him up in the car, called Kidd, and off we went to the American Airlines Center in Dallas. If you've ever been in the car with Kidd, you know he's that guy who swears he knows where he's going, but in the end will be late because he sucked at directions and got lost whenever something shiny would distract him. Impossible. But we got it done. Little Ethan in a stroller sitting there while Kidd was the only area jock to interview her. And I made it happen. And he was happy. So I was proud. Stressed beyond words, but still proud. 

Then there was Ben Folds. Kidd's idol. And Ben came to town for a show and Kidd wanted him in studio. But it's freaking Ben Folds! He only plays one brand of baby grand piano. Which we weren't gonna pay to rent, have delivered, or tuned. Or picked up. From our studio with average width doors. That sits below street level. But we made it happen. Ben came in and once again Kidd was happy. So I was proud. 

I could get into the times we completely blew the opportunity to break an artist. The record label BEGGED us to debut "I Kissed a Girl." Kidd wasn't into it. Or Lady Gaga. But he did give in when I gave him Justin Bieber. Thank goodness. There were just so many high five moments that we shared along with probably just as many I wanna punch you in the throat moments.

To say that I have no idea where this life is going to take me next is an understatement. I don't know. I know that I'm still surrounded by talented people who have been around way longer than me. And I think J-Si is meant to host a show. Honestly, we get each other.  Someone sent me a message that said that the dynamics between Kellie and me makes them feel like they're listening to genuine best friends. Since I'm rarely on air anymore, that meant a lot to me. 

We had a meeting yesterday to try and figure out where we go from here. And as far as I am concerned, I don't know. I feel like I was Kidd's right hand man. I got him. I could tell what direction he was going with a bit before being told. I could write in a way that he was comfortable with reading my stuff verbatim. Or reading none of it cuz I sucked that day. It happens. 

When I first started with the show, Kidd's Kids was already a big deal, but it was still growing. And honestly I probably would have just been in the way had I gone on the trips. But I wanted to so bad. I wanted to see Kidd's vision come true. And the year for me to go on the trip finally came. I was excited and terrified all at once. It is an experience unlike anything else. Exhausting is putting it lightly. It's emotionally draining from one extreme to the other. I remember getting on the bus from the airport and immediately bonding with Emma Elizondo. She sat in my lap and made me feel like I was where I was supposed to be. Another moment I will never forget. Most people expect the trip to be kind of a sad thing. A big group of people moping around Disney World because of their less than ideal situation. That's not the case at all. Of course there are moments of happy tears. And yeah a few sad ones. But I've learned first hand that the trip is life changing for those kids and their families. I've become pretty close to a few families and I can tell the impact of the trip by their enthusiasm to support Kidd's Kids and ensuring that the trips continue to go on. No matter what happens with any of us. 

The fact that we have been able to devote one single 4 hour show per year to raising money for that years trip is huge. What makes it huge is that you guys put your faith in Kidd and us and the organization and somehow donate almost a half million dollars every single year. And I do not doubt that Kidd's reputation was the reason for the trust in giving your money. But it goes beyond that. Like I said earlier, a big part of overall success is surrounding yourself with people who share and support your passion. If there is any skill I could say that Kidd was brilliant at...outside of his on-air skills, that would be it. He put together a rock solid crew of people who work their asses off to make that man proud. I feel like it's important to give credit to those people because, at the end of the day, all of us banded together were a big part of Kidd's success. 

Kellie Rasberry is truly unlike anyone else. Seriously. She keeps you on your feet in conversation. She's witty and funny and insanely talented on the mic. But off the mic, her greatness continues. She is sort of the conscience of what happens in the studio. She's not afraid to say that a topic of conversation needs to end. She's got a 6 year old, so she can walk a mile in parents shoes and be the gatekeeper for right and wrong. And to be able to stand up to Kidd took gall. She's got it. She's the epitome of the talent I wish I could be. She makes me want more for myself. She's my hero. 

Big Al Mack. His story is a lot like mine in the fact that we've not played the typical radio game of getting hired and fired and moving to every small town station that would hire us. We both started with Kidd. And it's not lost on either of us that we've been really lucky in that area. Big Al has a heart of gold. Seriously. When he remembers to use it. If his head was on par with his heart, he would be unstoppable. But it's not. He forgets stuff five minutes after it crosses his  mind. Which is admirable In the sense that he's not that guy who holds a grudge. I've done stuff that he should have been really upset with me for. But he shows me that happiness comes with the ability to let it go. Why fill your heart with wasted energy. His sense of joy in life is one that I admire. He gives it up for the show. He's just a great guy. 

J-Si Chavez is what I consider to be a real man. He's true. He will cry when he needs to. When I see him with his son, Cason, it makes me truly happy. He and Kinsey are doing everything right. I seriously believe that. J-Si is a talent that's going to just explode one day. Seriously. His stories are ones that people want to hear. He's compassionate and just has a spirit that cannot be matched. I feel like I've kind of gotten to watch him grow up. Even though I'm really not that much older than him. If I need to talk to someone in confidence, I can go to him and trust in that. I cannot say that I trust many people in that way. Especially guys. But I love him, Kinsey, and Cason like they're my family. Mostly because they are. 

I could go on and on about the rest of the staff. Of course I believe that I'm the absolute best at what I do. That's not arrogance. It's fact. I'd have been fired a long time ago had Kidd not agreed with that. 

You've got Jenna who keeps up with celeb gossip. Kellie does the same. And she's a celebrity apologist. So she brings those stories and does a beautiful job of making it personal to her. That takes skill and she's got it. 

The big bosses have held it together this past week in an effort to make Kidd proud. You know he took some headphones up into heaven with  Him to listen to last Mondays show. I hope he was proud. White Cheddar is the go to guy with ideas and planning and doing production that fits. Rob Chickering has told us all that we can only do our best in all of this. And yeah we are probably going to screw it up. But what is the right way to handle it when you've suddenly lost your leader? We are all trying our best to continue to build Kidd's legacy of greatness to the best of our ability. George Laughlin is the fearless CEO with the biggest job in trying to keep it all together. And the production crew is at the top of their game. Greggles and Trey bust ass every single day to give us the best audio for the show. Nick Adams is the man behind KiddTV. He's grown leaps and bounds since he first started and is another one I'm proud to watch grow. Dominique Williams has put together our website. And I can tell you with 100% honesty that it's not an easy task. Kidd made no secret about his love for technology and he rode Dominique until she have him exactly what he wanted. Greg Jake manages our affiliate stations and I cannot even pretend to know everything he's been dealing with in the past week. Russface is the social media guru and marketing guy. He gets his job done with russface in tact the while time. Lacey has been on the phones. She's been a sounding board for listeners who wanted to send condolences and share their stories. I'm sure that's draining. But she gets it done and comes to check on me at the end of the day. 

I know I'm not including everyone. But there are currently people in the office who could be bath salt face eaters and I wouldn't know it. I can't really specifically praise what I don't know. So to those guys I say great job on whatever it is you guys do. I still want to jack their fancy computers.

I know this isn't all about Kidd, but I feel like we are extensions of him. I was so touched when his brother, Gary, pulled me aside to thank ME for being a huge part of Kidd's success. That's a huge compliment to me. Kidd's brother Lynn is supposed to be texting me at some point so we can stay in touch, but I'm still waiting. I know without a doubt that Kidd is smiling down on and beyond proud of his daughter Caroline. She is a first class young woman. The service we went to yesterday was beautiful. I know it wasn't an easy task in planning the memorial of Kidd. But that girl did it and she did it well. I've not gotten to spend a lot of time with Caroline. She's kind of a big deal and stays busy. But I don't need countless hours spent with her to be proud of her. She's got the eloquence beyond anything I've ever witnessed. I'm so so proud to know her and know that she will certainly do her part to keep Kidd alive. 

This sucks. There's no way to sugar coat it. And as in every situation like this... People say "he's in a better place now" or "at least he's in no pain." When it comes to me, I say keep that stuff to yourself. I know intentions are good and that is appreciated very much. But like Kellie said on Mondays show...he didn't suffer. There wasn't a long painful experience he went through. And while I know he's in heaven...hopefully holding hands with my Ethan and reminding him of the love I have for him and how badly I miss him...Kidd was fine here. He made lives better just by talking. He changed the world as I know it with some once in a lifetime experiences. He touched thousands of families with chronically and terminally I'll kids. His skills as an entrepreneur were beyond words. He was innovative and wouldn't let the fear of the unknown stop him. He embraced who he was and found a way to use those things to make memories for all of us. Who else do you know that would go on And on about being short enough to need a booster box? That's just who he was. I never have not will I ever again meet another man like him. I've been so blessed to have him in my life personally and professionally. I have no question about that. And in the past few days I've realized the impact that I made on Kidd's life. Apparently he talked to his family and friends about me because many of them had a lot to say to me about conversations he had with them. That's the biggest compliment ever. Kidd was happy with and loved me. 

And that makes me proud. 

Here's one of my favorite pics of the show from our Battle of the Sexes cooking competition. And the bottom one is my Ethan backstage while Kidd interviewed Taylor Swift. And please forgive my typos. THis blog wasn't exactly an easy one to write. 

Don't read this if you're looking for nonsense. This is an honest look into my reality. I guess that's all I can say.

I guess I have to preface this with some warnings. It’s not a happy blog full of randomness. It’s insight into my life. I need a sounding board. I have tried to bend, but I think I’m just broken. This has nothing to do with my job. I cannot use names because people other than me are involved. Some I don’t even know all that well. But the ideas behind what I do know have struck a cord with me. Some others involved are those that I love very dearly and am trying to hold onto for dear life. Others I would be OK with never hearing mention of their name again. I will tread lightly, but get the point across. I am taking bits and pieces of a blog I wrote before but never posted. I will likely cuss. More like I promise I will. In fact the title of the blog I saved and didn’t post is “_________ F**king Sucks.” It’s the truth. _________ does effing suck.

Please don’t judge me for this or think that I am a weak person. Maybe writing all this out will help me somehow.

I guess I have to use analogies on this. And yes. I used this in the blog from before. My life has been a complete 180 from where I was two years ago. I thought that the idea of me being happy died with Ethan. I know it sounds extreme, but when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes that’s the way it is. I can tell you with complete honesty that I was suicidal for a while after he passed away. Nothing sounded better to me than showing my love for him by trying to get to him again. I can also tell you with complete honesty that two things kept me from going overboard. First, that whole debate about hurting yourself leading to hell. And secondly my sister, Samantha. No matter how much I had given up on myself and didn’t care to wake up from one day to the next, I had to. For her. I had to be there for her if she needed me. So that was my driving force for quite a while.  And I guess I learned to go through the motions no matter what I was feeling inside. The two-year anniversary of his death is on July 13. It is so painful to recognize that he has been gone for almost as long as he was here. And it’s so funny the way the heart works. I fell head over heels, absolutely, madly in love with Ethan when I saw his sonogram. The innocence and the potential for this little boy were overwhelming. He was 2 years old and I had already called the task of picking him up from school at least a couple times a week. I went to his Baby-K graduation and saw the pride in his face as he stood there in his little cap and gown. He had cookie on his face and he was just completely carefree and happy. I envied that in him. He had the chance to me whatever he wanted of his life and it brought me genuine joy to be there and watch him grow. Love comes so quickly when someone deserves it. But grief stays with you. And time healing is a load of crap. It doesn’t.

Just like that the person who had given me life again was gone. The day before I had gone to my mom and dads house for Tuesday dinner. We had to run an errand to get something for dinner and I stopped with Ethan at the 7-11 off of Northwest Highway and Lemmon. He wanted juice. I searched hard for one of those juice containers with a Spiderman top. He called him “Man Man.” I was “Yannen.” It was music to my ears to hear him speak. That cowboy sign thing there at Walnut Hill and I-35 was “Wee-Wee” to him. He thought it was Woody from Toy Story. To me that kid was two and a half feet of perfection. As we walked out of the 7-11 with a regular jug of juice in hand, he wouldn’t leave without making sure that the cashier hear him say and saw him wave Bye. That was just how he was. Perfection personified. And he deserved all the love he was given plus some. He showed me the meaning of true, unconditional love. And we lost that. And yes. The last place I was with him was a place that a lot of people around here have been. Maybe you can picture his smiling face, waving and saying bye next time you’re there.

For those of you who don’t know, Ethan and his abuelo Rolando drowned in their backyard pool on July 13, 2011. 3 days before my 30^th birthday. It’s strange how your worst nightmare becomes your reality in the blink of an eye. My sister called me and told me what happened. I jumped out of bed and was shaking like a leaf. I threw on a shirt with a cactus on it with the words “Hug Me” below. I can’t ever wear that shirt again. But I also can’t get rid of it. That was the shirt that last touched Ethan when I went in the emergency room and saw him there. Lifeless. My baby was gone. My sister, Orlando, and his mother heartbroken. It’s the worst, most helpless feeling in the world to go from blissful love…looking forward to what’s to come…and losing it. Just like that.  

Getting older brings a lot of harsh realities to the forefront. You learn that with love comes the guarantee of loss at some point. But life is supposed to be a journey. You live it and take the good with the bad and hope to come out better in the end. You establish a life that you can look back on and smile when you know your time is coming to an end. It’s supposed to be our mission as intelligent creatures to find the good in everything and focus on it. I’ve not done a very good job of that thus far in life and I think that my ways have caught up to me.

I’ll be the first to admit that when I was younger, I was a jerk. My circumstances were far from ideal. I was hostile towards certain specific people and took it out on others who didn’t deserve that. I know my feelings were justified, but it wasn’t fair of me to treat anyone else poorly just because I was miserable. But I did. And no matter how much I want to go back and make good, life isn’t full of do overs. All I can do is have honest conversations with God. Admit that I’ve learned from my mistakes. And try not to repeat them. It’s said that misery loves company. That is absolutely, without question 100% TRUE. It’s up to us not to let the poison of such people get into our veins. I hurt people. I was hateful. I lived a lie. I can’t go back and change those things. I can just make a promise to myself not to repeat them.

I promise there’s a point to all of this.

Fast forward from me feeling no sense of hope or motivation and suicidal in 2011 to the end of last year. I found happiness in my life again. I opened my heart to the idea of pure, honest, unconditional love again. Because life really is about the journey…not the end result, right? I won’t get into the circumstances of my happiness, but it’s great. I can say with certainty that I have felt unconditional love twice in my life. With Ethan and at that point in time. And I saw that the path to my forever was going to be a happy path filled with memories that would make other people vomit out of envy. I still have that feeling in my heart. I have a love that I know is meant to be and I’m very fortunate to be in such a place. That is not lost on me for a single second.

It sucks pretty bad when you can’t just live in your little bubble of love and joy and lock the bad out. When for the first time ever in your life your fantasies are real. You have the love for another person that most people dream of having. I’ve had that love. I have that love. I’m bragging. That is my life. The love that I want and deserve.

I have tried so hard to become a better person as I’ve grown. To take a step back, look at the situation at hand and the people involved, and do what I need to do in a utilitarian effort. In the past few months I have learned to sometimes give utilitarianism the finger and live life for me. When you’re little they say to treat others the way you want to be treated. I tell you now that is a bunch of BS. At least in my opinion it is. Again, this is not a vague commentary on my job. So please don’t assume that’s what I’m talking about. I’ve learned that there is little to no reward in loyalty. I see that givers are going to give and takers are going to take. There’s not a whole lot of bleeding over in the roles. And it really is true that you have to look out for yourself because, truth be told, that’s exactly what other people do. Look out for themselves. Holding no value in your well being, happiness, or circumstances. This world is a sickeningly selfish place and it’s up to us to weed through people’s intentions and pray that we see through them.

 This is the point that I pick and choose ideas from the _________  Effing Sucks blog. So get ready. I’m about to wrap all of this nonsensical talk into a pretty little bow that makes sense. At least that’s what I’m going to try to do.

It’s most kids dreams to go to Disney World, right? To load up in the family car. Sing stupid songs on the way. Play dumb, meaningless games just to fill the time. But the anticipation of the arrival to your final destination is overpowering. It’s like you get within 2 miles of the big Mickey Mouse arch sign. You can see the Tower of Terror. It’s RIGHT THERE. But then you run the car over a spike strip, get four flat tires, and get stalled out.

And it’s not like the police just ended a chase and hadn’t gotten a chance to remove the spikes yet. It was a spike strip thrown out in front of you by someone who saw the blissful joy on your faces as they drove along side you (probably in a Toyota mini van). They can’t stand the fact that you’re so visibly happy while they live a miserable, toxic existence. So they take action to bring you down to their level of misery because why? Misery loves company.

You’re stuck. There’s not a damn thing you can do at this point because who carries around 4 spare tires? So you stand around and wait…feeling the misery that the piece of shit person beside you intended you to feel. And they drive off with a smile on their face knowing what they did. Not caring about the impact of their actions. Because at the end of the day that person is miserable and toxic because THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE OTHER THAN THEMSELF. They might try and convince you that they do. They can charm their way into your life. Suck you in. Bite you and inflict their poisonous venom into your world. Sucking the life out of you with every intention of inflicting misery into your body until you’re near death. Then walking away with a grin on their face because they didn’t quite kill you…they just brought you down far enough to share in their misery. Then you’re stuck trying to find the energy to recover and pick up the pieces and they move onto the next victim.

It sucks to have to deal with these people. When all you want to do is be at the happiest place on earth and for no good reason other than their own shitty sense of personal satisfaction they stop you dead in your path. They might try and justify their actions and say that you were driving too fast and they were trying to safely slow you down. But that’s not it at all. The fact is that they can’t stand to see that you have what they could have had. We all have the potential to find happiness. And sometimes we have it and for whatever reason walk away from it. And it’s insane to me to think that the people who abandon those they claim to care about expect to come back at their leisure and pick up where they left off. And you’re guilted into and expected to just bend over and take what they have chosen to give. What they should have given when the opportunity was there. Staring them in the face. But walking away was easier.

It’s so strange how jacked up a persons though process can be. And what’s even worse is the fact of their insistence to bring you down to their level. It is exhausting. And unfair on every possible level. And before you know it the place where you know you’re supposed to be is the exact opposite of where you stand. It’s like you count down the hours until you get to the gates of Disney World…anticipating the happiness and thrill of being there. Wanting to take it in. Take hundreds of pictures. Make memories that you can live on until your time is up. Dreaming of being able to kiss your kids goodnight knowing that they’re probably not going to sleep because they’re just too excited for what’s to come. Waking up next to them and seeing the joy in their eyes because their dreams are about to become reality. And you get down to the final hour when it’s time for those dreams to become reality and BAM. Some asshole person with a miserable existence throws a wrench in your plans. For no reason other than selfish ones. They blatantly have no respect for the work that you put into making that trip to Disney World happen. The  years of saving up to finally be able to afford it. The journey of getting from Seattle to Orlando in a beat up SUV with no A/C. But your dream is within reach. All you want is to experience the joy that comes with such a trip with your family. No harm was done on your part. You didn’t steal the money to fund the trip. You stopped every 3 hours and refilled the oil tank because some stupid leak kept dripping it dry. You have done what you needed to do to experience the happiness that you without question deserve. And then selfish person ruins that.

Now what? You saved up all your money for Disney World. You can’t afford 4 new tires. And you have to buy 4 because you’re not going to get from Orlando back to Seattle at 50MPH on a donut tire. You are at the mercy of a horrible person with NO GOOD INTENTIONS. They just want to ruin your plans. And they succeeded.

You can try to talk the tires out of going flat, but what good do your words do? You can try and pump air back into them and crawl to the finish line, but they won’t take the air. They are full of the infliction of that sorry ass persons spike strip. And at that moment all of your hard work, money saved, and going without the luxuries that you’ve wanted to make your journey happen is wasted. Poof. It’s gone. And maybe there would be some sense of worthiness in your pain if it really did bring them happiness. But it didn’t. And you’re not gonna see even a shit eating grin on their face when they drive away anyway. So you’re just screwed.

It’s my hope that the people in this world who are like this take a second and realize that life is not a game. And that their spike strip took away valuable time that could have been filled with bliss and made it hot, wasted misery instead.

Your actions don’t stop at you. That punch you just threw at someone else has consequences. You just damaged someone else physically and emotionally. And what if that person has kids at home waiting for daddy to come tuck them into bed? Daddy can’t do that when he’s at the hospital getting bandaged up from your raging outburst. You probably feel a lot better after getting your anger out, but your actions surpass you. Far and wide.  And I sincerely hope that maybe people in this world will take a second to realize the path of destruction they are creating. Because at the end of it all we just want to be happy. And if you really love the people in your life, you will allow them the opportunity to seek that happiness. Even if it’s outside of you.

We all start every kind of relationship with a clean slate and the potential to make it whatever we choose. And nobody is perfect. We are all going to screw up and hurt the people we love the most. But it’s what you do after that hurt that matters. If the right thing to do is see that you’ve done more damage than good, walk away. Feel the shame in your heart that you deserve to feel. But have some sense of dignity in knowing that your misery can stop at you. You don’t have to bring those you say you love down with you. What happens to the people who love them? It’s a never-ending cycle that’s not fair to anyone. And no. Life isn’t fair. But any self-respecting human with an actual heart that is capable of feeling love should be able to cut their losses. Give into the fact that you screwed up. Accept that walking away in the first place was your choice. You can’t open and close the doors into other people’s lives as you see fitting. Unless you have no conscience or good intention. If that’s the case, there’s a special place in hell for you. And your fist full of shittiness. Take your fist and stick it up your ass where it belongs. Keep it away from the people who have the opportunity to feel genuine love. You are a coward. So go crawl back into your hole where you belong and give other people the chance to feel the happiness you gave up on.

My state of mind is obviously not very clear. I have to sit back and just pray to God that the people in situations that relate to this see what they’re doing. Because my words can do nothing to change their path. And it sucks.

So I guess this has been long and confusing enough. I don’t think I did a very good job of saying what I wanted to say. But I guess that I can end on this note. If I have wronged you in the past, I apologize. I am a different person now than I was before, so I hope to never repeat my mistakes. And I’m about to take my meds and lay down. And who knows if it’s in God’s plan for me to wake up tomorrow. For all I know this could be the last trace of my existence. So I feel like it’s my duty to say I love you to those that I do love. I’m sorry to those I owe an apology to. I acknowledge my moments of weakness and hope to learn from them. And I had planned on going to bed tonight with a sense of blissful exhaustion, but that’s not the case. Where I should be is not where I stand. Now what? I guess we will have to wait and see what God’s plan for me is. Thanks for reading and following my stuff. Your loyalty is not lost on me. Its been appreciated greatly. Goodnight.

Big Al's brain is full....mine is just tired

Hi. It’s me again. I assume you know who I am since you’re reading this. And I appreciate that you’re taking the time out of your life to do so. Thank you. Here’s a short blog for now. I had a list of stuff I wanted to write about, but I lost it. So I’m doing this with my tired brain.

The Dish Nation make up lady committed a cardinal sin at work today. She parked in my Kellie Rasberry’s spot. It’s not assigned, but it is a well known fact that there’s an order of things at work. And changing the routine really upsets some of us. I’m a creature of habit, so having the normal parking spots disrupted seriously threw me for a loop.

Another thing I noticed today. We all use our own personal laptops at work. We haven’t had work computers in quite a while. So it was odd to me today to walk through nerdville at the office and see their bright, shiny iMac computers. They’re glorious. They put my Mac to shame. Is it considered stealing if I take their computers and move them to a place where we can use them?

The left side of my dang lip is chapped again. It’s so gross. If I was looking at me I would probably just stare at the chapped spot. I was doing SO GOOD. But then I went and ruined it for everybody.

I’ve changed up my skin care regimen and I’m not sure if I told you about it. I had my first nreak out free time of the month in May. That’s crazy nuts. You know what I use? That simple brand stuff they sell at Target. It’s AMAZING. If you need help clearing your skin up, I’d give it a shot.

I’ve decided that I need more flight attendant friends for the sake of being their buddy. Keith has me on his companion list, but I’ve decided that I would like buddy passes to use. And I need a couple for my sister and her husband. So, if you’re a lonely airline worker who wants to see your benefits put to good use, go ahead and let me know. And thanks in advance.

It’s really awkward when a woman sits out on the porch and stares at you washing your car. That happened to me today. I said hi and figured she would look away, but she didn’t/ And I know for a fact that my short shorts and white tank top were not much to look at. I might sit and stare at someone else washing their ride to see if I get anything out of it. If I do, I will let you know for sure.

I’m working on setting up a kickstarter account for my DJ stuff. I have some ideas solidified in my head. Now I need the money to make the ideas a reality. I will post the link once it’s finished and approved. And speaking of money, I posted info for a little man named Evan who needs sponsors to go on a once in a lifetime trip to Washington D.C. He still needs donations, so PLEASE look on my page and give what you can. I’d hate for him to miss out on this trip over a little bit of money. Thanks so much!!