How long will I be dead before someone figures it out and finds me?

There are lots of mommy blogs out there. There are fashion blogs, fitness blogs, gossip blogs…the list goes on for days. Is there a “losers” blog, though? One that focuses on the discontent of being in your 30’s, living alone, having no kids, no relationship, and truly wondering how long you would be dead in your apartment before anyone found you. That is me. I am that person and it’s caused me absolute panic lately.

I want to believe in karma. I really do. I want to believe that it works for good people and not so good ones. I also want to believe that the karma I would receive would be the good kind, but I’m not seeing much evidence of that. I’m not going to sit here and type out a bunch of whoa is me crap because nobody wants to hear about all that. And someone always has it worse than we do, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been lucky in many ways. I’ve not had to move around for my job. I’ve been able to pursue a career in something I’m passionate about and dreamed of doing. I’ve taken that career and used it to start a little side business teaching aquatic survival skills to children. I’ve got my own apartment and car and nephews I adore. But when I’m at home alone at night, my gut feels so much discontent. I know I can’t be alone in this.

I’ve had enough health stuff happen in my life that I’m legit wondering what old me will do if I continue on this path. Who will take care of me when I’m too blind and uncoordinated to drive myself to the Walgreens to get my medicines? Who will take care of me when driving myself anywhere is no longer an option? How will I pay to live? I’ve been putting money into my 401K, but will it be enough? There are so many things filling my head. Way too many “what if’s.” But really, though, what if? I don’t have kids or a partner in life to devote myself to now, so who could I expect to devote themselves to me when life isn’t so easy?

Believe me when I say that I would never have kids or get married just so that someone will take care of me when I’m old. Never. Never. Never. I have to admit, though, that it would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders if I knew that my life was headed in that direction.

I’m a big enough loser that I make notes from TV shows or movies that I watch while I’m alone at home. It’s probably a huge waste of time, but I like to tell myself that some advice will come in handy for someone at some point. Things like “I have nothing to lose and no more time to waste.” Or “If you become your own person, he won’t be able to control you.” “You can’t change your bad choice…all you can do is not let it ruin you.” “Give the person you love what they want.” Things like this. Then I’ll try and change it up by wasting some time on social media and I walk away having done a screenshot like this from Joanna Gaines. “I’m challenging myself in this new year to live for now. The present. Taking in every breath, every sight, and sound and holding it dearly. Not thinking about how the good ol’ days have passed us by or how the best is yet to come. But that right now, this very second, this is the gift. These are the days. These are the moments. And I’m gonna breathe them all in. If there’s pain and sorrow, or happiness and hope, let it in and then let it out.” Then she continues with more words of Gaines wisdom. “I want to enjoy the now because it’s the only thing we can actually embrace. I want to hold it carefully. Hold it thoughtfully. Here’s to seeing and finding the beauty, the hope and joy in the right now in 2019. “

Joanna Gaines is such a smart woman, isn’t she? Take in the now. Breathe it all in. But what if you’re right now isn’t really worth breathing in? What if you’ve chosen to put everything else in front of your true happiness and you’re just kind of living because breathing in and out, plus sleep, water and food, allow your body to do that? What if you’re having a really hard time finding that contentment and “more” in life?

That’s where I’m at. I want to embrace and practice the wisdom of Joanna Gaines, but with what? I can’t really reach out and embrace Olivia Pope while I watch “Scandal” or Beck while I binge watch “You.” But I also can’t seem to motivate myself to get out there and find my more, either. I think part of it is fear that I’ll find my more, hold onto it for a little while, and then my more will find something better or prettier or funnier or younger. Or just die. Yes, I mean literally die.

Then I tell myself that maybe my “more” isn’t in another person, but maybe it’s in a greater cause. Then I fall back on the thinking that I’d love to share my greater cause with someone else. Then it’s a full circle mental struggle that I go through in my head with no real resolution. What am I truly meant to embrace in my life? What else should I be breathing in and when will that something else be in my life?

Then I find myself screenshotting things that have absolutely no meaning in my life, like “A woman can’t change a man because she loves him. A man changes himself because he loves her.” I know you can change the words and make this apply to me, but you get what I’m saying, right? I don’t have anyone in my life to try and change…male or female. And, honestly, I don’t want anybody in my life that I feel the need to change. I want someone I can love through their crap and who will love me through mine. I don’t want someone whose goal is to fix me. I’m not totally broken and I don’t need fixing. I just want someone to share my not totally broken self with.

So, that’s where I’m at. I live for my jobs and for my nephews, but I know that I need more. Even more importantly, I WANT more. Thank goodness I believe that the best things in life are worth waiting for, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna wait for my “more.” I’ll hope that the wait isn’t that long, but if it is, that means that the payoff will be even greater. I’m going to try and stop punishing myself for not settling at points before now. I’d rather die alone than in a miserable, loveless relationship. I’d rather wait for my happy ending alone than wait for my happy ending with what’s not meant to be.

Just know that, if you’re anything like me, that you’re not alone. Let’s try and cut ourselves some slack on what we don’t have and stay hopeful of what could be. It’s worth a shot, right?