No more living a lie

I feel like I’ve been living a lie for a little over a month now, but I did it for my own sanity. I also did it in hopes that my current reality would change, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

After a long time and having built a family of people I love so much, my relationship has come to an end.

Break ups can be emotionally filled and, on my end, this one has been. I feel like I have failed so many people that I care about and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. I know what I would do differently in the future, but that doesn’t change anything from the past.

There’s no right way to have a break up when there are kids involved, so we did it the best we knew how. I hope that it was easier for them than it has been me.

Being my age and living in your parents spare bedroom is a tough pill to swallow. But we do what we have to in hopes that it turns out for the best, right?

There could be fingers pointed and stuff said, but it’s not worth the hurt. Why would I intentionally damage the people who have been my world for almost three years? I take plenty of the blame myself. Hindsight really is 20/20, but looking in reverse doesn’t do much when you’re trying to move forward.

I am still crazy about the people I have loved so much and I am truly grateful to have had what I did. It taught me love that I didn’t know I was capable of. It has also dealt a loss that I cannot begin to describe.

So, if you see me around and my face is pink and puffy, chances are you caught me right after a meltdown. We do the best we can, but sometimes it seems like we fall short, right? I know that I’m dreading anyone asking where my GF is at the company Christmas party on Saturday. I’ve tried my hardest to keep things to myself in an effort to preserve hope. Hope that maybe time and distance would allow some healing to happen. Hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that one’s not always true.

Now I write this in the interest of self-preservation. For everyone who has heard stories about my kids and my family and would usually ask how everyone is doing, please don’t. Please don’t say any unkind words about anyone involved, either, because I care very deeply for them and no unkind words are needed. Sometimes the best journeys take unexpected turns and it’s hard to get back on course. Sometimes you get lost and you don’t find your way back. It sucks, but that’s just how it goes.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last. I do know that it’s gotten harder and harder as the time has passed. Losing the four people you saw every single day and kissed, hugged, and covered up every night is painful beyond words. My hope at this point is that the kids all know how much I love them and that know that my failures as a grown up don’t reflect them at all. IT doesn’t change the fact that I love them dearly. They deserve the world and if I couldn’t be a part of their completed puzzle, I hope that it all comes together soon.

So, now what? I honestly have no idea. Thank goodness my mom and dad have a twin-sized bed in the spare room. And thank goodness my nephew moved out the week before I moved in. I keep hoping that I will wake up to see that this was just a bad dream, but I guess I must be in a sleep coma.

That’s really all I’m willing to say about that. Now I need to go and wash my face again.

I hope you're not sick of my music talk

Daya- “Talk”

“They’re all gonna say what they wanna say, anyway…so might as well give ‘em something to talk about.”

https://youtu.be/6FeJVuyie1U

I posted about this song over the weekend because I had it on repeat in my car. This whole album is full of songs that are worth putting on repeat and exhausting. Daya is one of those people who is easily one of my favorites, but if you were to ask me my faves, I would manage to totally blank and leave her off the list. I don’t remember what she looks like, but I see a less rebellious Halsey in my head. I know I could Google image the name, but I don’t care to. Do yourself a favor and BUY THIS ALBUM. No I’m not getting paid or free stuff for saying this. I just love the album that much.

Charlie Puth- “Does It Feel”

https://youtu.be/1Fgzc8nyWr4

Another artist who can do no wrong. Everything he does is something I love. It makes me wonder, though…how much heartache has this guy gone through? And how does he take a broken heart and turn it into this? You want to feel awful for him, but your head just bobs up and down instead. It’s almost confusing.

Zara Larsson- “I Would Like”

https://youtu.be/wi0IzqkfBwk

I love Zara Larsson. I sent an artist request for her before her song “Never Forget You” made it big on the radio. I didn’t get a response, but I tried. She’s got another song called “Ain’t My Fault” that’s pretty great, too.

The Chainsmokers ft. XYLO- “Setting Fires”

https://youtu.be/v6IAJOOmDMg

The Chainsmokers must be the biggest group of the year. Think about being an upcoming artist and being asked to be on one of their songs! It makes me wonder about their live show, though. It would be pure awesome if all of their guest singers were there with them. I don’t like a lot of electronic music, but come on. The Chainsmokers are above and beyond anyone else in the business.

Bruno Mars- “Versace On The Floor”

https://youtu.be/d2UZlwTDGbY

Maybe I’m crazy, but I think I hear a little bit of “It Will Rain” in this song. I was hoping for a new “Gorilla” type song, but it’s not. Still great, though. I’m pumped about Bruno Mars going on tour next year. Can you even imagine how an arena show for his headlining tour would be? He puts on a show!

Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani, and another person- “Hair Up”

https://youtu.be/fM4GVy120xM

How in the world does a song about Troll hair sound cool like this? I don’t get it. Justin Timberlake and Gwen Stefani together is like the ultimate in coolness. I actually want to see this movie and I never had a Troll doll or liked Trolls. I just love Anna Kendrick and J.T.

Drake White- “Livin’ The Dream”

This song is one you hear on country radio all the time and I’ll admit this. I turn it up every time I hear it still and I’ve probably heard it about 100 times. I bought the song on iTunes, so that’s usually where I hear it. I don’t want to have a space on the wall for last year’s deer, but the general idea is one that I love.

https://youtu.be/f9li3iW25vU

Another political rant, but this one is special because it's MINE

WOW. I fell asleep last night before they announced the winner of the election. I woke up and saw it first thing, though. I. AM. SHOCKED.

I voted for Hillary. It was a no brainer in my mind. I know she had her issues, however, she was the best choice for me. I voted Republican for several local offices. I cannot understand how anyone could feel good about a vote for Donald Trump. He is a man who has been able to buy his way out of any troubles he’s ever had. I can’t even afford to make two car payments in a month. How will Donald Trump ever truly relate to the common man? He hasn’t lived the life of a normal person. This isn’t an episode of Undercover Boss. This is the reality we have made for ourselves.

Let’s hope that he looks at his wife and sees that she emigrated to the U.S. from Slovenia before he decides to come down too hard on other immigrants. I know that being here illegally is wrong, but here’s something else I know. I drove by a day labor pickup spot yesterday and it had men standing and waiting for their chance to work. To earn money and support themselves. That’s more than I can say for a lot of citizens who sit back and live off of their check from the government. I understand and support those who truly need and deserve assistance. I’m talking about the people who feel no responsibility to step up and take care of themselves.

My mind is going a million miles an hour. It’s hard to get it all down.

How can anyone with a son watch this man and feel like he’s the right choice? Wouldn’t you want to just slap your son in the mouth if he made some of the comments that Trump has made? If your son was accused of taking advantage of his power and thinking he’s God’s gift to women, would you support him? I sure wouldn’t. I would love him, but I wouldn’t be OK with it. I’m certainly not OK with the most powerful leader in the free world being that way.

They have been LOOKING HARD for any excuse to indict Hillary. You better believe that if she had done something…anything…big enough to justify it, they would’ve brought her down. They didn’t though. FOX News even had to apologize for reporting that she was in trouble for more scandal when she wasn’t. Irresponsible and sickening.

I am offended at the highest level by any comment of Hillary being “just as bad” as Trump. Donald Trump allegedly violated people while he looked them in the eyes. He criticized people who made lots of money for him. He has few human morals. I wish I could say that no one gets insanely rich by valuing the people who helped them get there, but then I see people like Mark Cuban who make me think otherwise.

I didn’t vote for Hillary because she’s a woman. I voted for her because she holds many of the same values I do. I said MANY…not all. You don’t treat people like they are lesser than you. How can anyone go on the web and see montage after montage of Trump’s lies and smug looks and lack of a case and be OK with him? He is like a third grade boy. When something anti-Trump would arise in a debate or whatever, I was pretty much waiting for “I know you are, but what am I?” as a response.

If he can cheat on his wives, he can cheat on anything else. And he can hide behind his money when he does it. Money that he has made…I promise you this…by employing immigrant workers. The same people he will condemn once he takes office.

I can’t even think about what this means for equal marriage rights. I don’t understand how anyone could be against two people who love each other wanting the same rights as everybody else. There’s nothing wrong with me as a person. I am capable of just as much as any heterosexual person I know. I am capable and even more worthy of a marriage than most heterosexual people I know. It’s a shame that I might never get to exercise that right.

After this, would anyone be surprised if Snooki and J-Woww won the next election? I would honestly feel better about them being our elected leaders than I do Trump. At least they didn’t get off on telling people that they’re fired.

I have looked through Facebook and a lot of people are worried about how to explain this terror to their kids. I saw this link to a Huffington Post article addressing that. You should look at the entire site, though, to get a feel for things. I am horrified.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

On the up side, the Trump win does give us the power to unite. We as a country can band together and keep it together. We have to have confidence in our other elected officials to keep this man in check. Instead of not liking each other because of who we voted for, we can see each other as people who have rights. Rights than generations before us fought hard to ensure for us. Let’s not allow this one bigot to come in and deny anything.

Let’s not act like this is the apocalypse because it’s not. Teach your kids the same things you taught them yesterday. Teach them to value people as people regardless of what you see on the outside. This man cannot take the gays and put us all on a farm in the middle of Nevada. He can’t just decide to get rid of NAFTA. He can teach hate, though, if we allow it. SO DON’T.

I voted, though, so I feel like I have a right to be bothered by these results. If you didn’t find the time to exercise your right to vote yesterday or in early voting, you really have no room to say a word. Inaction is just as powerful as action at times. Your vote counted and if you didn’t recognize that power, you shouldn’t say a word.

Halloween! My heart is pounding and here's why. MUSIC!

More music you should know! I might as well serve some purpose in this world, so I’ve decided that it’s to keep you posted on the music I love. I’m stealing a lot of this from that soundtrack I posted about earlier. There’s some other stuff, too, though.

Melanie Martinez- Soap

She’s a little different, but for a lot of non-judgmental people out there, there’s nothing wrong with that. For those of you who do have a problem with people who might think a little differently, I guess you can suck it.

https://youtu.be/eFU_wJes-xE

Halsey- Gasoline

There is a bad word or two in this one. My nephew sent me the link to this song yesterday and I LOVE it. I like most of Halsey’s stuff, but this is one of my new favorites. Listen to this line. “I think there’s a flaw in my code.” Who doesn’t feel like that at some point or another? Listen to this one loud in the car while you’re alone.

https://youtu.be/zRHNi3QfFlE

Basenji- Can’t Get Enough

I feel like I shouldn’t like this for some reason, but whatever. I do. I don’t know how to explain this song. It’s just cool and light and…not moist. But I wanted to say moist for some reason. There aren’t a lot of lyrics to this song, but you can hum along to it.

https://youtu.be/kkeqmEJc3Co

JoJo- No Apologies

YES! The same JoJo that did that “Leave” song way back when is all grown up. And she’s better this time around. Seriously.

Here’s a live link- She sounds so fantastically great

https://youtu.be/zcwzOdlu4kw

Here’s the studio version

https://youtu.be/WN_r1Av7o-I

JoJo- F.A.B.

This one has bad words in it, too. This song title is short for Fake A** B**ch. Who doesn’t know one of those, right? This is what you might send in an email to someone who just sucks at life. “When they eatin’ off your plate but don’t do dishes.” How brilliant is that line?

https://youtu.be/AbhYHtcw45Q

Mike Perry- The Ocean

On the total opposite end of the spectrum is this song. It’s a dance-ish song with sweet lyrics. All about touching someone under their skin and taking someone to a place they’ve never been. Yea love, right?

https://youtu.be/5JxgDJvqGmM

Andy Grammer- Fresh Eyes

And another sweet one that maybe I don’t get. I thought it was about seeing the person you’ve loved for a while in a whole new light. But then the music video is making over homeless people. It’s cool that Andy did that for the video, but it makes me question whether or not I understand what he’s singing about. Hmmm.

https://youtu.be/5bgemCaaQkU

Kiiara- Feels

This one has the bad language in it, too. I LOVE Kiiara. This one is different than “Gold” and hooking up with your brother in the basement since you weren’t around. This one is the sweeter side of her. Seriously. If you haven’t done it already, go to her Vevo channel and listen to her songs. So great! OK now that I mention the basement, she does mention it again in this song. But it’s not about anything even semi-incestuous.

https://youtu.be/g-6axdmy-3k

Rihanna- Close to You

We all know how amazing Rihanna is, but sometimes her talent gets a little lost in her message. This song is Rihanna stripped down with just a piano and a couple of other sounds. The vulnerable side of Rihanna is one we can all appreciate, right?

https://youtu.be/KvUF-y2ijZc

Peter Gabriel- In your Eyes

This is a throwback song. It’s the song that I have called the best song ever for years now. I still believe it. This song fits any mood you could be in. Except maybe unless you get in a mood to go dance with glow sticks and take your shirt off. Then this one doesn’t fit. Please. Just listen to it all the way through.

https://youtu.be/kU8OJAOMbPg

Music I love and want to share

I’ve realized that I can’t put a dozen links to YouTube in a Facebook post, so I’m gonna tell you about my favorite songs right now here in this post.

Have you ever noticed that pop music sort-of goes in cycles? It has either a bunch of rock-ish songs that are big at the time or it leans more rhythmic. I prefer the rhythmic spurts, but bands like Twenty One Pilots make me appreciate the rock ones, too.

Anyway, there are some great full on pop songs out right now and I feel that it’s my duty (yes. I said duty) to make sure you know about them. You can thank me in your head the next time you’ve got your iPhone playing these songs while you clean the house or workout or whatever.

I won’t bore you with info about the band or singer…let’s get to the music.

Hailee Steinfeld ft. Zedd- Starving

https://youtu.be/xwjwCFZpdns

“Don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo…” Who doesn’t want that? Who doesn’t picture that person who gives them the whole damn zoo while this song is on? I love it!

DNCE- Body Moves

https://youtu.be/NOBVEq_Bi5k

“What’s on your mind…cuz what’s on mine, a dirty mind, why so serious?”

Joe Jonas is all grown up! And while I love Nick Jonas as a solo act, I love Joe Jonas in this band. Try not to bob your head when you hear the bassline on this song.

Speaking of Nick Jonas-

Nick Jonas- Bacon

https://youtu.be/CPUB97ilIqE

I don’t really like bacon, but I love the idea of this song. They add bacon to everything that’s great and then it’s even greater! There is a clean version of this song and the dirty one. I prefer the dirty one, which is what I’m posting.

Nick Jonas- VooDoo

Why not throw in the new song from Nick Jonas? This whole album is great!

https://youtu.be/C1CjEKtlfS8

Tegan and Sara- Stop Desire

https://youtu.be/WLUDxVezNes

I’m not crazy about the music videos they’re doing for this new album, but I do love this song. It’s kind of got an 80’s sound to it. I can’t handle a lot of the sound anymore, but I love the way they integrate it into their sound.

Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello- Bad Things

https://youtu.be/4cauU2IpFyA

This one samples an old song by Fastball and makes it cool again. I’m not crazy about the MGK part of this song yet, but overall, I love the song.

Miguel ft. Kasey Musgraves- Waves

https://youtu.be/XtS3SyevpvI

Kasey mentioned working with Miguel when she came in our studio, but I didn’t hear this song until last week. Maybe I’m slow. I dunno. It’s Miguel’s song “Waves” with Kasey Musgraves in it. I LOVE Miguel. Seriously. I had to listen to this song a few times before I liked it, but I officially like it now. It’s a grower.

Jon Bellion- All Time Low (acoustic)

https://youtu.be/LZkDZFwzcSk

I posted this somewhere last week, but I’m posting it again. This is just talent.

Justin Bieber ft. Halsey- The Feeling

https://youtu.be/qYj4l5Xntt0

This song just sounds cool to me. It’s almost a year old, but I’ve not heard it on the radio or anything, so maybe you haven’t either. So I thought I would share. I don’t know who these people in the video are, but good for them.

Josh Abbott Band- Amnesia

https://youtu.be/sJ6wpG6eKYE

JAB is one of my all time favorite bands. I have an autographed guitar from Josh that was given to me after a kid met him as part of Make a Wish. For whatever reason, the kid remembered me talking about JAB when we met before and was kind enough to get this guitar for me. I love it and this song. In fact, the album is pretty great as a whole.

That’s all I’ve got for now. This is a pretty good start for a playlist, in my opinion. I hope you don’t hate my choices. If you do, at least be kind in the way you tell me, please.

Have a great day!

Shanon

Prayers for Micah

Micah Ahern went on the Kidd's Kids trip with us last year. I went to the Ahern home to chat with them before the trip and they made me feel right at home. Before I left, little Eden was running around in her undies. I'm pretty sure there was an argument over queso. Nolan told me that he wanted to make sure to take his "little friends" to WDW with him. He loves reptiles. Linda and Maurice just brought Micah home from five days of isolation in the hospital and they were telling me about the restrictions he had to follow. He couldn't share food or drinks with others in the house. He couldn't use the same restroom or snuggle with mommy or daddy if he had a bad dream. But the treatment he was doing seemed to be working, so it was worth the sacrifice.

Micah went in for scans the other day and it turns out that his treatments aren't working anymore. He's going to be put on hospice soon. His family is forced to face the likely possibility that they will lose their little boy to cancer.

It's always been in the back of their minds. Linda works in health care and isn’t naïve enough to think that Micah is invincible. But he’s been doing so well. This just sucks.

No matter how much time you have to prep for it, losing someone you love isn’t easy. Losing a child, though. The Ahern’s have four kids total, so there are three other kids that have to wrap their heads around the idea of losing a sibling. How does a parent possibly come to terms with any of this? I don’t know.

Here’s my thought. Maybe as quickly as Micah’s scans turned bad, maybe they can turn good again. Maybe through the power of a LOT of prayer things can change again. Miracles happen every day, don’t they? Why not make one happen for Micah? It’s worth a try.

Would you please take a minute and post this link to your page. Prayers for Micah. Keep a strong little boy keepin’ on. Send some love his way and maybe the power of love and prayer can prove to be stronger than the power of medicine. Maybe?

https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=praying%20for%20micah%20ahern

I shouldn't have gotten started

How long does it take to pull the trigger on a gun? Like two seconds? What about stab someone in the throat? Possibly ten seconds? The people on the receiving end of the actions that took a second or ten seconds might die. How long did it take for Stanford rapist’s dad to knock up the mom? Probably about 10 minutes on the occasion that it happened? And the dad thinks his kid is beyond punishment for 20 minutes of action. It's this kind of attitude that is ruining people. Seriously. We put them on a pedestal as though their action isn’t as bad as it would be had someone else done it. It’s not ok!

Do you ever take a second and ask yourself what in the world is wrong with people today? Why do we accept the things that we do from people? We truly live in a world where apathy has become acceptable and it’s awful.

You can’t get on the Internet right now without seeing something about the Stanford sexual assault kid. He got six months in jail along with two years probation. The judge said that anything more would have too big of an impact on him and that he’s not a danger to others.

This guy assaulted another person. She was unconscious and he took advantage of her in the most intrusive way possible. The victim now has to live knowing that this happened and that people get in more trouble for stealing a TV (in some states). Can you imagine how dehumanizing and devaluing this is to her? How this impacts her life? She was being raped behind a dumpster for God’s sake.

For anyone to say that their child should catch a break from the law because they can tell that they’re being punished enough because there are still snacks in the house should be on a watch list themselves. Something isn’t OK there. I’ve got VERY strong opinions about enabling people and it’s at the point that I’m probably about to say something I’m going to regret.

When you sit back and defend a bad person or allow them to do what they do, you’re just as bad as they are. They have no motivation to become a better person when they’ve always got someone there to hold them up. Think about potty training a puppy. Why do they learn to poop outside? Positive and negative reinforcement. You don’t give a puppy a treat when it poops in the house. Just like you shouldn’t stand by a horrible person when they do a horrible thing. You should have the back of the people who need you.

What’s this girl going to do if she ends up being pregnant after this guys 20 minutes of action? She has to deal with the consequences of her decision at that point. And the baby. Meanwhile, swimmer boy can dye his hair and go on about his business because he’s really good at a sport. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

I kind of laugh it off when people say that they would move to Canada if Trump or Clinton gets elected President, but after reading the comments from the public officials of the county this all happened in, I would probably feel inclined to move if I lived there. It’s crazy to me. Rape is rape. No question! Assault is assault! No question! Who cares about the effects it would have on the guy who did it! What about the victim? Let’s sympathize with a rapist and spread a message that absolutely should never be formed in the first place. What a complete disgrace.

What’s even worse is that given this ridiculously light sentence for a crime he’s been convicted of and was caught doing, this kid is appealing the sentence. I pray to God that Layla and Peyton learn to spot a bad man when they see him. I pray that Jacob follows his heart in life and chooses to follow the example of those who want the best for him. I’m curious where the victim’s father is? I’ve not even seen anything written anonymously from him. Or her mother. You better believe that my kid would have my support as loud as I could possibly give it.

I have so many things I would love to say about parenting and about things I don’t understand. Turning a blind eye just seems to be ok and blaming everyone else for your flaws seems to be the way to go. How is this even acceptable?

There are people in this world that are simply disgusting. I was watching Teen Mom last night and Janelle was on. My heart breaks for her kids because they are just screwed. There’s Janelle who says she wants to see Jace, but she does nothing to make it happen. It’s just a show that she puts on and it’s nauseating. I’m going to say that I want him and argue about drop off and pick up, but then I’m going to spend all my time with David and say that maybe he’s better with Barb because school has already started. I’m gonna use him as a tool to get revenge when mommy makes me mad. That’s all her son is to her. A tool.

Then there’s Adam who has every opportunity to see Aubrey, but he won’t do it. She has someone who wants her in his life and she wants to call daddy, but when that reality hits him, he rears his ugly head. Otherwise, he’s absent.

Disgusting.

What’s even more interesting to me is how these people find other people who want to be with them. Disgusting times two.

Why is it ever ok to allow someone feel like they hold little value? Especially when they’re supposed to be one of the most important people in your life? Who are you to take that feeling of value away from them due to your own selfishness? In the end, there’s no one to blame but yourself.

I can’t change the way that the world works. It’s my hope that when I die, someone feels like there’s a loss because I made this a better place while I was here. It’s so dumb, but I get angry when I’m flipping through the stations and I hear that Luke Bryan song “Huntin, Lovin, and Fishin.” All I can think about is, “That’s ALL you’re going to contribute to the world?” Seriously? Then I come up with this dialogue in my head about who would want someone who comes home sweaty, smelling like dead animal and fish everyday, broke as a joke, and probably drunk because they drink beer in the heat all day long. I get SO MAD! I hope that they would dump his or her ass.

Anyway, sorry about that. Somehow it all goes together in my brain. I hope that the Stanford swimmer douche goes back to court with a different judge and gets prison. Let’s see what that does to his preppy boy appetite and what daddy has to say about it then.