No more living a lie

I feel like I’ve been living a lie for a little over a month now, but I did it for my own sanity. I also did it in hopes that my current reality would change, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

After a long time and having built a family of people I love so much, my relationship has come to an end.

Break ups can be emotionally filled and, on my end, this one has been. I feel like I have failed so many people that I care about and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. I know what I would do differently in the future, but that doesn’t change anything from the past.

There’s no right way to have a break up when there are kids involved, so we did it the best we knew how. I hope that it was easier for them than it has been me.

Being my age and living in your parents spare bedroom is a tough pill to swallow. But we do what we have to in hopes that it turns out for the best, right?

There could be fingers pointed and stuff said, but it’s not worth the hurt. Why would I intentionally damage the people who have been my world for almost three years? I take plenty of the blame myself. Hindsight really is 20/20, but looking in reverse doesn’t do much when you’re trying to move forward.

I am still crazy about the people I have loved so much and I am truly grateful to have had what I did. It taught me love that I didn’t know I was capable of. It has also dealt a loss that I cannot begin to describe.

So, if you see me around and my face is pink and puffy, chances are you caught me right after a meltdown. We do the best we can, but sometimes it seems like we fall short, right? I know that I’m dreading anyone asking where my GF is at the company Christmas party on Saturday. I’ve tried my hardest to keep things to myself in an effort to preserve hope. Hope that maybe time and distance would allow some healing to happen. Hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that one’s not always true.

Now I write this in the interest of self-preservation. For everyone who has heard stories about my kids and my family and would usually ask how everyone is doing, please don’t. Please don’t say any unkind words about anyone involved, either, because I care very deeply for them and no unkind words are needed. Sometimes the best journeys take unexpected turns and it’s hard to get back on course. Sometimes you get lost and you don’t find your way back. It sucks, but that’s just how it goes.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last. I do know that it’s gotten harder and harder as the time has passed. Losing the four people you saw every single day and kissed, hugged, and covered up every night is painful beyond words. My hope at this point is that the kids all know how much I love them and that know that my failures as a grown up don’t reflect them at all. IT doesn’t change the fact that I love them dearly. They deserve the world and if I couldn’t be a part of their completed puzzle, I hope that it all comes together soon.

So, now what? I honestly have no idea. Thank goodness my mom and dad have a twin-sized bed in the spare room. And thank goodness my nephew moved out the week before I moved in. I keep hoping that I will wake up to see that this was just a bad dream, but I guess I must be in a sleep coma.

That’s really all I’m willing to say about that. Now I need to go and wash my face again.