Cosmo list and no more Kelly Clarkson

My head is so full of stuff it might explode. I have no one on standby to clean up such a large spillage (because my brain is big, duh), so I gotta get some of it out. So I've taken the Cosmo list of ways to make your man happy and commented on them. Cuz I know what makes men happy, right? I really don't. But as a girl who probably thinks a lot like a dude, I can comment on the list.

COSMO’S 30 WAYS TO PLEASE A MAN

1.Buy him candles. Guys don’t buy them for themselves, but nobody wants to stink like single boy all the time. So take care of it for him. 

2.Tell him what you’re thinking. Really Cosmo? Isn’t it easier to just say nothing, pout about it, and leave him guessing? Most of the time honesty will just lead to a fight, so shouldn’t women just suck it up and accept the fact that no matter what our reaction, a man’s gonna do what a man’s gonna do?

3.Wash his car. Again…Really? Are we talking about dudes without arms and hands to wash his own dang car? Doesn’t being able to take care of his ride emasculate the man? Women already do everything else, so washing his car seems to be taking “serving your man” just a little far.

4.Watch baseball with him. What’s more annoying than that poser sports fan girl who goes to sports bars just to look cute in the jersey reaping the player they’ve never heard of? What guy wants to have to entertain his girl while he watches sports? Maybe Cosmo hired an idiot to write this. 

5.Bake home made cookies. Yes Cosmo Because we don’t go to work every day. Or deal with kids. We don’t want to curl up in a ball and cry once a month. Nope. We’ve got nothing better to do than bake your stupid cookies. They’re just gonna contribute to the belly fat you always complain about. Shut it, Cosmo. 

6.Order pizza. FINALLY something realistic. Maybe while you’re waiting for the pizza delivery man to come you can wash his car and bake him cookies. 

7.Play video games with him. Men have man caves for a reason. Yes. Some nerds like gamer girls. There’s nothing wrong with that. But your average woman does not want to sit and play your stupid Madden game with you all weekend long. Be real, guys. You don’t want this…

8.Teach him a new recipe. Ever heard of Google, Cosmo? If he wants to cook, have him look up a recipe and do it. Let the woman sit down and be served for a change. Does Cosmo truly hate women?

9.Pretend you care about what he’s talking about. So, basically lie. Look him in the eye, smile, laugh, and pretend to listen while you’ve really got your to-do list going through your head. 

10.         Make his bed. It’s HIS bed. Compare the time it takes for a woman to get ready in the morning versus the time it takes a guy. It makes no sense for a guy to expect for his woman to make his bed in the morning. Stupid cosmo.

11.         Put air in his tires. Yeah, maybe the days of chivalry are over if a man expects his woman to wash his car and check the tire pressure while she’s at it. Here’s a thought. That’s what mechanic guys are for. If you need air in your tires, go get it at the gas station, guys. Or go do whatever people do to keep their tires intact.  

12.         Watch movies with him EVEN if you hate it. And you KNOW you’re gonna get the same in return. Relationships are give and take, right??What a load of crap, Cosmo.

13.         Take him fishing. What’s romantic about hooking live worms to catch disgusting fish…some of which can hurt you…and then cut it up to eat? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 

14.         Throw his laundry in with yours. Finally something that makes a little bit of sense. Save yourself from your man turning all of your stuff into pink colored clothes. Kill two birds with one stone. Make him think you’re sweet, but it’s really kind of saving yourself. 

15.         Get into a TV show with him. What’s this??? Two reasonable suggestions in a row? Did they fire the first idiot who wrote numbers 1-13 and hire someone who gives a crap???

16.         Buy him clothes. As a girl, I know I wouldn’t want any dude buying me clothes. Like Big Al’s obsession with giving me panties. And knowing how big my butt and waist are in his vanity glasses covered eyes. Is it the same for guys? Is it an insult to his current wardrobe if you show up with a bunch of brand new clothes for him, is he gonna take it as an insult??

17.         Don’t complain about the remotes. Yeah, I guess. Unless he never hands them over so you can watch what YOU want to. Technology is complicated and we all know that those universal remotes never work. So deal with having three remotes to deal with and move on.

18.         Have a homemade taco night. Random much? Why not tilapia night? Or spagetti night? Why the specific taco night? I’m confused. 

19.         Get him a deep fryer. Isn’t it your dream to go over to your mans place to the smell of 200 degree grease frying up those pickles that go straight to your hips? And then he finds you less attractive and blah, blah, blah. This one is pretty stupid if you ask me. 

20.         Organize his sock drawer. I’m starting to think that Cosmo sees women more as a mans maid than significant other. Goodness knows you have nothing better to do than order the socks that soak up his sweat and smell delicious. 

21.         Make coffee and give it to him in bed. AHHHHHHHHHHH. This is officially ticking me off. Where’s the part in all this where he gives something? Pour your own dang cup of coffee. Get your butt out of bed and brush your stinky teeth. Go pee and wash your hands. Kiss your woman and THEN go get some coffee. 

22.         Tell him he’s special. Stroke his ego. Put yourself aside and make him feel like the God that Cosmo apparently wants your man to be. 

23.         Compliment his facial hair. Just forget about the rash you get on your face when you kiss him. Learn to spit out the beard and mustache hairs that get caught in your mouth because he has an unkept face.

24.         Bring him a burrito. And I’m fairly certain that you’re expected to feed it to him so that he has to do nothing more than chew what you put in his mouth. I cannot STAND boys. 

25.         Bring him two burritos. Yes. Spend your lunch break taking him burritos because he’s obviously incapable of sustaining life by getting his own meals. 

26.         Tell him you have a work party…then tell him he doesn’t have to go with you. Heave forbid your man show some support for you? Heaven forbid that he reciprocate your doing things even if you don’t want to. 

27.         Trade back massages…but let him receive first. Men aren’t selfish at all. You know that after your neck rub makes him all relaxed and sleepy he’s gonna get up and give you a massage to ease your stress. Honestly, giving him a massage first is setting yourself up for failure, laides. 

28.         Get a storage drawer for your accessories. For all you ladies who take your earrings off and then just toss them on the floor…

29.         Grill every night for a week. Steak for a week straight. Because nothing spells romance like bloody, red meat and the smell that sticks with you like fajitas in a mexican resturaunt.

30.         Take him to see his favorite band. As long as it’s not Nickelback. In fact if Nickelback is his favorite band, call it a deal breaker and dump his ass.

Also, if you want to know who has replaced Kelly Clarkson as my celebrity crush, I will tell you now. It's Sara Quin. Or Tegan Quin. It's super hard for me to admit defeat, but Kelly is pregnant and still hasn't called or emailed in spite of having my info. So maybe it's time to move on. It hurts me deeply to say this, but it's what I must do. I feel like Tegan and Sara and I would get long brilliantly. Seriously. I've watched their performances and the stories they share and I'm like DANG. I could so be one of them if I had any singing or song writing talent. I won't launch a full on effort to talk to them or whatever. I'm leaving it up to Jesus, God, and Teddy Bears. If it's meant to be it will be. If not, well, I just add them to my list of let downs, which so far includes Kelly Clarkson. So if you're friends with them or in their fan club, help a sister out. I promise to pay you back in the form of some craft I make. 

Thanks in advance!

Shanon

2014 Grammy's

My thoughts on the 2014 Grammy Awards

Grammy stuff

Beyonce is friggin hot. It’s funny how she and Jay-Z kept everything so hush hush, but I felt the need to tell them to get a room while they were on stage together.

What in the crap was on Lorde’s nails? It looked like she was having convulsions on stage. Is it considered art to seem high as a kite and unable to control your body?

Hunter Hayes songs sound great from the studio, but live…he’s terrible. I’ve yet to see him sound good live.

Daft Punk- WTF is up with the helmets? It’s pretty dumb.

Katy Perry- I don’t know what to say. I love you. I’m physically attracted to you. I don’t understand why you’re with John Mayer, but whatever keeps you hot and making kick a** music is fine with me. You can bring your dancing pole over to my apartment anytime.

Chicago and Robin Thicke- I would much rather see bumping and grinding to your songs that those guys whose plastic surgery is as old as you are on the stage. I feel cheated with your performance. You’re gonna need a do-over.

I strongly dislike Ellen K.

Keith Urban is a pretty, pretty man. If he likes red-heads, I’d like him to dump Nicole Kidman and marry Kellie Rasberry. I don’t know who the guy in the hat is who’s singing with you, but I don’t like him. He’s boring. You had to punch him in the arm to get any kind of emotion from him. That’s just dumb.

John Legend- Love you and the song, but I can’t stand Ellen K. Since she immediately followed you, that’s what I remember. How lame she is. Sorry.

Why are all the nominees for best rock album old guys? Because rock stuff now SUCKS. That’s why I don’t listen to it. Because it sucks.

I bet Taylor Swift’s cell number is nowhere to be found in LL Cool J’s phone.

Taylor Swift sounds really great live , but the headbanging thing doesn’t work for her. I’m always gonna like her because she was so nice when I met her.

Pink. Awesome. Hot. I’d be happy to see her touch the ground occasionally.  And the guy from Fun with a period looks DUMB with that mustache.

Lorde- thank you for seeming a little less strung out during your acceptance speech

Ozzy meltdown on stage? Was it the sunglasses keeping him from reading the screen?

Ringo Starr reminds me of the singer guy in Love Actually. Except I like the guy in Love Actually better.

The best part of Imagine Dragons was Kendrick Lamar. But they keep coming back to this dang Radiactive song.

Kacey Musgraves must be shaking in her dang Christmas lit up boots having to follow Kendrick Lamar with Imagine Dragons on back up vocals and drums.

What’s worse than Paul McCartney taking up valuable Grammy performance time? Paul McCartney doing stuff from the new album.

Seeing Yoko Ono dancing might have made about :07 of this tolerable

Bruno Mars is pretty dang cute. But his Cowboy clothes look is dumb.

This backstage twitter crap is just that. Crap.

I never have understood Willie Nelson. Now I can say I don’t get Chris Christopherson, either. There’s a new generation of country superstars. So let’s let those who require oxygen tanks to stay home and WATCH the Grammy’s.

I’m officially going to say this on the record. I would like to battle Willie Nelson in a sing off. I might actually win.

Kacey Musgraves is pretty gorgeous. I’ve loved her work with JAB…glad to see she’s kicking some booty on her own now.

Is it wrong to refer to Neil Patrick Harris as the man whore of awards shows?

Stevie Wonder actually puts some energy into what he’s doing. So I can deal with him.  That performance was actually pretty dang great.

I’m OK with not hearing Cyndi Lauper talk very often.

I feel partially responsible for Sara Bareilles’ success. I convinced Kidd to let me book her before “Love Song” was a huge hit. This Brave song is greatness. I know Carol King is a legend or whatever, but she doesn’t belong on the stage with Sara. Sara outsings her by miles!!!

Do you think Lorde still dreams of driving a Cadillac?

Jared Leto is a very pretty man, too.

I used to be terrified of the lead singer for Metallica. He scared the crap out of me. Now he’s cut his hair and isn’t near what I remember. I’m not scared anymore. Even if he is still kind of angry sounding. That piano guy looks way too happy for this angry song.

How long is this show going to be on?

You think in 20 years Justin Bieber will be on that stage as a classic, never to be forgotten artist?

Steven Tyler might have been a tad awkward up there, but he’s such a friggin nice guy. I can’t say a bad word about him.

Daft Punk needs to figure out some method of winning an award other than just standing there wasting my damn time.

Hello Queen Latifah. Is this where she comes out of the closet? Follow in Jodie Foster’s footsteps???

Perhaps I’m biased, but I believe that Macklemore sets the bar for artists these days.

I thought Queen Latifah would get married. This is freaking awesome. I don’t know I feel about Madonna’s outfit, but it’s cool to see her there as part of this.

I'm exhausting...

I think it's been a while. I'm too lazy to look at the date of my last post. But I feel like it's been a bit.

So. I wish that I had some groundbreaking something or another to tell you about. I really don't. I'm as sick of writing about feeling like poo as you probably are reading about it. So I will keep it short. Tomorrow I go in for some test that's supposed to make me want to throw up. It's to find out why I throw up. Needless to say I'm not looking forward to it.

It's so strange how much life has changed in the past three months. I am insanely blessed to be on the road to recovery. And to have health insurance. I cannot imagine how much the stress of not having it would be getting to me right now. So God...and Kidd...THANK YOU.

I'm still at mom and dads house on the elevated twin sized bed. My head is still not totally healed from the incision, so hair washing has become quite the luxury. Thank goodness for dry shampoo, right? I'm starting to think that I have too much time on my hands to think about how I feel. I need to get back into some kind of routine. So I'm hoping that the neurosurgeon has a medical release form ready for me to pick up tomorrow when I go to the hospital for this test.

I guess I'm one of those people who needs a purpose. I don't feel like I really have that right now. To go from full throttle Kidd's Kids mode to this is a far jump. And not a jump in the right direction. I just couldn't risk being a detriment to the show with my slow brain and hands. I need to get my confidence back. Maybe I will even work towards cockiness. Probably not, but the thought is cool. Life isn't waiting for me to feel better, so it's time to suck it up and move on.

I've had some pretty deep thought processes in all of my spare time. I will share some of them with you now. I'm going to end on the pointless one.

First off I catch myself being really bitter. As I've said before I've tried to be a good person and help others and set a good example for anyone who chose to follow mine. I've gotten pretty angry when I've thought about the sh*t people in this world and how little effort they put into their lives and, from my experience, their lives seem to be decent. Not saying that I don't have a decent life because I do. I'm just being a puss right now and I'm kinda hoping that sharing it with all of you who either agree or disagree and choose to spend your time telling me how screwed up my thoughts are can shed some light on the reality of life.

I keep a journal that no one has gotten to even look at before. It's EVERYTHING that I think about. Good and bad and everything in between. I got the chance to write in it a lot lately (although it might not be legible) to kind of just get it all out. Here's a tiny little peek into what I wrote.

How many chances in this world do drug addicts get to rehabilitate themselves and move on with life? How are child molestors who are married to people who know about their spouses sick acts given that chance? Why do people believe compulsive liars? Why do compulsive liars have such a sense of entitlement that they waste peoples time with the lies? What defines family? Are you obligated to forgive people just because somewhere there's some tie in your blood line? If someone screws you over time after time after time and then expects you to just move on and forget their wrong doings, does it make you weak to tell them no?

Those are just some of the topics I hit on. I can't get into the why's and how's and all that, but maybe the surgery isn't what gives me headaches...maybe it's my thoughts.

I look at the world around me and it boggles my mind sometimes.  That makes me no different than everyone else though. Don't we all overthink stuff and things and people and relationships? Somebody PLEASE tell me yes so I don't feel like the only over thinker here.

I posted something yesterday I think about stuff to look for in the person you marry. Some people hated on it (of course). I was looking at the comments earlier and there was one that stuck out to me. Someone wrote that you should be with someone who you look over at when you wake up first thing in the morning and you know that they think you are beautiful. I've never been married. I've never even had a relationship last more than 3 years. But when I do get married, it will be to someone I feel beautiful with. No question. No matter how you feel about your messy hair and stinky breath...you know that they accept it. And even more they look forward to kissing that stinky breath. We are all so conscious about ourselves (except for the sucky people who SHOULD be self-conscious) ...is it so wrong to make it necessary to have someone who sees in you what you might not always see in yourself? There are some negotiables, but in my opinion, this is not one of them.

Life is so full of questions and stressors and all the other stuff that I can't think of right now. In my opinion, the way that your spouse sees you should never be one of those questions. So I steal that from the person who made the comment and add it to the list that also wasn't mine and tell everyone to make it so....

On a much less meaningful note, I was overanalyzing the Cody Simpson song "Pretty Brown Eyes" earlier. If he can walk up to a lady and say "Hey there pretty brown eyes...whatchu doing later tonight..." and it work, why doesn't my line of "hey pretty lady" work? I could be someone's wave to surf or whatever he says. Is it because I don't have an accent? Do I need to become a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber to have a successful line? I don't find lesbians who could be mistaken for Justin Bieber or any other man for that matter to be attractive, so am I just screwed when it comes to using a line? Dang it. Why have I given a Cody Simpson song so much thought and attention? He's not even had a big hit here.

I think I just gave myself another headache, so I won't even get into my current imaginary fight that Kelly Clarkson and I are having. Let's just say that in my head, I'm winning.

With that, I'm gonna go blow my nose and prepare for tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Wanna see my scar and scab? And more?

OK I linked this because I know that not everyone would want to see it. You guys saw my head back when it had stitches and staples holding it together. This is what it looks like now on January 7. Yes, I know that I have a LOT of gray hair. I always have. Thats why I depend on Kelli Stewart to keep me looking young.

I did get the lab results back from the endocrinologist today. My 7 vials of blood drawn were all fine. So that's a plus. But that still leaves the question of why nothing stays in my stomach unless I'm high on Phenergan? And even with it, I still throw up. Is it something with a fluid build up in my ears? I have an ENT appt tomorrow. Is it a gastro problem? Who the heck knows. Is my brain just still super pissed because they removed a part of it that had been there for so long? My brain is a girl, and you know that once you make us mad, it takes a lot for us to get over it. My brain has been doing no sweet talking and has given me no pretty gifts, so there's a chance that it's all just from having my head innards picked at. I guess I can also show pics of the tumor itself. I will scroll down and post. Here's your chance to click out. I'm telling you. It's blood and tumors and literally the inside of my head.

















My head January 7, 2014. I know it's not pretty, but it's my reality. And this reality itches and hurts like a beeyotch at times.

The next ones are from during the surgery. They are graphic. You have been warned.

Here's the tumor inside my brain still. It looks like a pearl or something. It's not. It's a tumor.

This is towards the end when they put a titanium rod in there to fill the space they drilled out I guess. 

Here's the "mesh"covering up the rod. 

 Here are the pieces they picked out. I got lucky because Dr. Morgan figured out that if they changed the angle they went in my head, they could get a good chunk out of it at once. The less they mess around in there, the less chance of complications. So here it is in chunks.

 And here's a closer pic of a piece of it. I'm not sure who's holding it. Maybe Steve the wire guy.

Let's try this 2013 recap again

Poignant moments of 2013

2013 had a pretty great start. It was the beginning of my getting to know some fantastic people most of which pretty far from home. There was a lot of time spent in airplanes and airports, but worth every minute of it. I’m grateful for the people I met who embraced me. They took a chance on me since I live in a different state. Some may have requested my license plate number and a vial of blood first, but I guess I seemed ok enough. Their generosity and open arms won’t be forgotten. So to them I say thank you. 

I have to talk about my sister telling me they decided to move to Maui. This news didn’t set well with me at all. I got the text while I was at work and had to excuse myself to my car to have a meltdown. I support them in their decision, but it’s hard having my sister and her husband 3,000 miles away. It’s especially hard since I wanted to go out there during Christmas break, but die to this surgery and recovery junk, I won’t  see them until March or June. We did FaceTime opening gifts from each other, which was nice. but certainly not the same. 

I won’t forget making the drive to the airport when I got a message from B.J’s best friend telling me he was in the hospital. He was put into a coma and passed away the day of the Concert for Kidd’s Kids. He was a great guy and I consider myself so blessed to have gotten the chance to know him. 

I cannot speak of 2013 and not mention Kidd’s death. The man was a genius. He was funny, creative, and so incredibly business savvy. I didn’t go to the golf tournament in NOLA this year because it was my sister’s last weekend in town. But she went on a girls trip, so I flew up north for a birthday celebration. I had my phone on the patio table, and when I saw it, I had two missed calls from Kellie and a text from Al telling me to call her back. Kellie said she wanted to be the one to tell me the news of what happened. I lost it. I felt like I hadn’t proven my loyalty to him or the show by not being there with them when it happened. I know that beating myself up over it does no good, but it crosses my mind a lot. 

The transition of the show has been an interesting one. It’s really a difficult task to step into the studio and have a show when it’s obvious that the name sake is gone. I think that we have done our best to deliver a product that Kidd would be proud of, but I know it’s different for everyone. We are all just really grateful for those of you who have stuck with us. 

No matter how sick I am of talking about it, I have to mention this dumb brain surgery I had. It’s not been easy  at any point. It’s hard to convince myself that the people who have been around to help want to be there and don’t consider me a burden. I feel like I’m just that. I tell you that I cry a lot and that’s one of the main reasons. I suppose it’s sort of a peek into the value I hold in myself to be unable to accept anyone wanting to help me. I’m crying just typing this. It all happened so quickly and I tried to time it out so that I could finish off the year at work and not cause anyone to miss work, but it didn’t happen that way. If you know me, you know that my job is a huge part of my identity. Work period is a huge part of my identity. I’ve not done that in what seems like forever at this point. And, if you want more honesty, I’m feeling pretty terrible. I can keep nothing down. Today I woke up feeling worse than I did when I had the flu with some nasty projectile vomiting. Food is like an enema to me at this point. I fight to keep it down as long as I can so I don’t die of malnutrition. It’s gross, but that’s how it is. And I get so many messages from people telling me I’m an inspiration and they admire my strength. I feel like I’m letting them down. I don’t feel strong at all. No part of my life is what I want it to be right now. I hurt someone i care a lot about, my parents worry about me instead of taking it easy on their time off, and day after day I wake up and it’s the same damn question. Now what? It’s exhausting and I’m not strong. Not at all. I’m losing my ability to even fake being strong. I’m sorry to be a big disappointment to everyone who comments on my strength. It’s a front. A pathetically weak front. 

In the meantime, Happy 2014 to you and even if this year was a great one, I wish even more greatness to come. And thank you from here to the moon for all of your love and support.

Here's the latest...

Well, Christmas 2013 is done. December 20 is gone. My do or die date got tossed when all this surgery stuff happened. I guess it's all part of the universes plan for me. I'm not too fond of it, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm trying so, SO hard not to get frustrated, but if I'm being honest, I'm crying a little as I write this. I am very blessed to be alive and be able to see and hear. That isn't lost on me for a second. My neurosurgeon even had a hoodie made for me. It says "Blessed" on the front and has "Murphy" on the back. I gave him a Superman hoodie in return because he's 1/2 of the surgeon team that took my tumor out. I'm not sure that the other surgeon would want a Superman hoodie, so Dr. Dickerman gets the prize. Yay him!

It's weird that right after I had my surgery, I went and got my eyes checked and my vision tested fine. But when I try to read or focus on things, it's not happening. I've got this motion sickness patch that I wear behind my ear. I was on 25mg of Phenergan, but that wasn't helping. So now it's Zofran and I still can't keep stuff down. And with the vomiting comes achiness and moodiness and I'm just tired. But I've got no appetite, so I guess that helps with the vomiting. I was doing better with holding onto things, but now I suck. Like I posted the other day I broke my Otterbox case from dropping my phone over and over on the carpet. My nephew spilled root beer in his Mac. I know how to clean under the keys. But I kid you not when I say it took me well over an hour to get just one key back on. I've gone from being pretty dang independent to this. I'm grateful to be alive and to have people to help me with things, but to go from working every day and going home to my tiny apartment and getting naked whenever I feel like it is a big change.

I can't complain because the fact is that I'm ok. I'm just used to living my life without anyone having to miss work to take cafe of me or call my doctor when my face swells up because I got too tired and had some kind of allergic reaction. It's hard for me to wrap what's left of my brain around. I'm not driving because I don't feel comfortable with it. I feel almost like out of body. I've never questioned my ability or willingness to drive, but now I'm scared. It's one thing if my dizziness gets the best of me and I drive into a pole or something, but it's another since I'm not alone on the road. I have driven maybe a quarter of a mile to WalMart, but I knew I would be an idiot to try any further.

Crying really has become my hobby. I'm sure I have occasional pity parties. I had plans! I'm supposed to be in Maui right now...instead we had to FaceTime my sister and Orlando when we opened gifts. I miss my sister. I miss a lot of things and a lot of people, but it's out of my hands to change the circumstances.

Anyway, enough of my progress report. It's Christmas. I did pretty good for myself. I got a seriously cool camera, my favorite brand of sneakers, a family photo picture frame from my nephew, a bag full or refried beans and a Target gift card from Kellie Rasberry, a beautiful book from Mr. and Mrs. Rasberry, a Hawaiian hoodie from Maui, a couple of new beanies from Kellie's best friend, Amy, a life proof phone case from my parents and sister and Jeff, and Santa even put vodka in my stocking so I would have it when I can drink again. I'm gonna be a really cheap date whenever that day comes.
Oh, Keith got a set of coasters made out of old records, I got an Amazon gift card, a cute little hat and matching scarf, a cool crafty bowl full of candy, and I think I can't remember what else. I know that Christmas is about being with friends and family and not the gifts, but now I have an extra set of sneakers to contemplate wearing. That can take up like 12 minutes in the day. And I've got lots of time. So it goes beyond that for me right now. The camera is something I can mess with until I've got it down to an art, so I'm glad to have it.

Next up? New Years eve. I don't think I've ever been nervous about the New Year before. I think maybe I'm scared because this year started out and I was happy and on top of the world. But then life happened and that feeling faded. Sucks. But I can only control my thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions. So I'm trying to convince myself that 2014 is going to be the year that things turn around for me. Since my do or die deadline has come and gone and I made no progress, maybe giving myself a full year to figure out whatever it is that I'm trying to figure out is more realistic. Baby steps and a lot of patience with myself are very necessary. I'm not good at either. But I will try.

Oh, I've been destroying my hands making those wreaths made of ornaments. I will post a pic. The hand holding the glue gun seemed to put hot glue on the other hand more than it did the ornaments, but it's OK. I'm gonna keep an eye out for clearance ornaments and stuff so I can make more and sell them next year.

Thanks for sticking with me. It means the world. It kind of sucks when you go through a big life ordeal and you see people's true colors. At least it sucks when their colors are bad. So I'm going to focus on those with goodness in them in hopes of becoming a better person on this journey called life.

And BTW. Have you ever gotten a flu shot right after surgery? Don't do it. That dang shot adds $46 to your bill. That's nuts.

Merry Christmas, you guys. And thanks again for the continued love and support.

Shanon

Forgive my mess ups. But here ya go...as promised

Hi there. It's been a while. Bear with me when it comes to typos, repeating myself, and sounding like a cracked out idiot. I pretty much am.

As a recap I found out in October that I was born with a tumor. A rare tumor that was stuck between the brain stem and cerebellum, right around my 5th nerve. Dr. Dickerman told us it was a tumor that 1 in something people are born with, but I've forgotten the number. I didn't realize the severity of this thing until after the fact. At least the severity of the surgery. The tumor was benign and is gone. It was just in a really bad spot. One little slip to the left and I would have lost sight. One little slip to the right and I would lose hearing. Thankfully, I had the best neurosurgeons, wire guy, and other operating room people around. I truly mean that. They got the tumor out and now I'm on the road to recovery.

My neurosurgeon says that I'm doing really well. But let's face it. I had brain surgery. They cut into my head and went into my brain with tools and stuff. That's a pretty bug deal. I had the surgery on November 11, stayed in ICU for a few days, a regular room one or two days ( I think), and they let me go. Yeah!

I'm able to walk, talk, see, hear, touch, smell and everything else. Life is very weird and hard for me right now. I'm not handling this patience thing well. At all. I'm very frustrated. My surgery was a 100% success. But I'm on meds that have weird side effects. And I'm having migraines and having a hard time keeping food down and my vision is blurry and my coordination is pretty horrid. Luckily, I have a walker, so I can walk and not fall over. I'm not driving. I can barely get through the house without walking into a wall or tripping over my feet, so just be grateful I'm not on the road. There is no risk of seizures, but with my dizziness and nausea and other stuff, I just have no business taking a cross country road trip right now. And, unfortunately, I have no business going to see my sister in Maui over Christmas. That one sucks pretty bad. But I've always been a klutz. Knowing me, I would try and paddle board or something and break my head open. I bet that would hurt in salt water. So maybe I  will goo over spring break.

I was back in the ICU or CCU last week. My head was leaking and my neurosurgeon told me to go to the ER to have it checked. They admitted me pretty quickly because you can't risk infection with something like this. I was on IV antibiotics and all the other meds. I went in on Saturday and got out on Thursday, I think. I don't know what day it is now, so don't hold me to those days of the week.

How much does brain surgery cost, you ask??? A little over $145,000 to be exact. How much last weeks stay in ICU is gonna run will soon be known. They're quick to let you know when you owe them money.

Speaking of, seeing as how I'm not working at the moment, you guys have TRULY saved my butt with the fund you set up for me. Short term disability apparently does back pay. I wasn't saving up for living expenses and hospital bills, so I've been using the money from the fund you guys set up to live off of while I wait for disability to kick in. You literally have covered my rear and I'm so incredibly grateful for that.

I'm staying with my parents house still. I'm not very good on my own at the moment. It's just a matter of giving my body time and being patient with the healing process. My neuro said that when air hits the brain, it takes anywhere from 6 months to a year to be "normal" again. I guess luckily I've never been normal, so maybe my time will be cut shorter.

Crying has become my hobby. This is so not me. One day I went to the doctor thinking it was something simple and the next I have two guys digging in my skull. I don't miss work. I don't depend on people to meet my needs. But that's all changed. Now that's exactly who I am and it stings. What if the show is better without me? It's scary to think about. I've spent a lot of time coloring to work out my hand-eye coordination. Scooby-Doo was my favorite book. I colored the whole thing, so I'm moved onto the Ninja Turtles. They're the giant books so I can stay somewhat in the lines if I outline them. I've made some wreath ornaments. I have a Rainbow loom thing, but I don't get it.

I'm very frustrated with my memory. It's pretty bad, but it has nothing to do with the surgery sort of. Maybe that air in the head thing contributes. But it's probable more the meds I'm on. Apparently I asked someone the same question 6 times and I don't recall any of them. I won't even get into how bad my thinking is these days because it's upsetting to me. But in the long term I will be fine and I'm very fortunate.

So, I guess that's that for now. My head is hurting pretty bad, so I've gotta get my bed set up to sleep at a 45* angle and go to bed. I don't know the specifics of when I will feel better or when I will be back at work, but it will be as soon as I can do what I do well. And, if you care, Kellie Rasberry has been fantastic throughout all of this. She came to the hospitals and has come to see me at my parents house and calls and texts. I'm very blessed to have people like her in my life. My friends and mom and dad have been great in helping me. My Aunt Terry is willing to drive a really long way to help. I'm just recognizing the amount of people in my life who care and I'm so fortunate. And I cannot and would not end this without another huge thanks to you guys for the non-stop support and prayers. I know it's not fun reading posts from the girl who had brain surgery and is recovering. I don't enjoy being that girl one bit. But you stick with me and send soooo many messages of support. It's truly overwhelming. I will do a better job of reading and replying to you guys when things are a little bit easier for me. Now I'm gonna take it a step at a time and master the art of which Ninja Turtle is which. And color them accordingly.

Much love to all of you. And a huge thank you.

Love,
Shanon