Tomorrow's kinda a big deal...

Kidd’s Kids Day is tomorrow and man…that’s a LOT of pressure. Every year we say it’s the BIGGEST trip ever because every year it is. This year there are 60 kids and families planning on going to Walt Disney World for the experience of a lifetime and, well, we need the money to pay for it.

I’ve got my checkbook right next to me and I could pay for the trip, but I doubt Mickey takes post-dated checks that will never go through. That means that if these kids are waiting on me to pay for the trip, we’re all in a lot of trouble because there’s gonna be a lot of sad faces come November. I know there are a lot of charities out there that you could choose to donate your money to and I know that I’m biased, but hear me out on this.

When you think back on life, what do you have? Memories. I hope that most of them are good ones, but for a lot of the kids that have been chosen to go on the trip this year and every year, their memories are consumed with doctors visits and hospital stays. Holidays stuck in the confines of a hospital room, probably feeling guilty because your family is there with you.

And then you move on to the siblings of the kids. You know that kids compete for attention, so it’s got to be really hard when you’re the sibling of a chronically or terminally ill child and have no choice but to take the back seat a lot of times because your brother or sisters health has to come first. Of course you’re gonna feel resentment and jealousy. As you grow up, you probably feel guilt with that. Just a whole range of emotions that kids shouldn’t have to deal with in any way.

Then you think about the parents of the kids who have to try and figure it all out. Normal finances, jobs, home life, marital relationships, balancing the kids, medical bills, the stress of having a sick child, and everything else. It’s got to be utterly exhausting. I know that being the mom of healthy kids has to be exhausting, so add the emotional rollercoaster of an illness to that and it must be just overwhelming. Hearing your baby cry because they have to be poked with another needle or stay the night in the hospital again. You try to be the brave one and say that it’s all going to be okay, but is it? I’m sure that somewhere in the back of these parents mind they have to wonder if they can keep the pieces together like this. It’s a lot to take in and everyone deserves a break.

I know that a few days at Disney World does not cure any illness, but it does a whole lotta healing for the spirit. That can be better than any medicine sometimes. This trip gives kids and families something to look forward to and then something to look back on. Smiles and laughs and once in a lifetime experiences that come without the worries that they’re used to. This trip is designed so that they don’t have to so much as pay for an ice cream cone while they’re in the park. It’s THAT stress free. When we get to surprise the families with the news that they’re going on the trip, we tell them that they just need to pack undies, socks, shoes, and shorts, because we’ve got the rest covered. Hats, shirts, and everything else…and it’s all because of your donations and the fantastic partnerships Kidd’s Kids has with companies like Southwest Airlines and Raising Canes. But it’s like we’ve said on the air time and time again, it’s the few dollars here and there that really add up. So don’t feel like your $10 doesn’t matter because IT DOES. It truly does. Think about it. When you go to Wal-Mart and your kid wants a $10 toy, you don’t hesitate to say no because a $10 toy every time you go to the store really adds up. Just like these donations! Think about it that way. Nothing is too big or too small. We’ll take your big checks, too. Gladly.

If you want to make an impact that you can actually hear on the radio in November, make sure to help us out tomorrow. There are too many ways to donate for me to try and explain them all, so just bookmark KiddsKids.com. You can see pics of past trips, videos, and keep up with events going on throughout the year. And tomorrow isn’t the only day you can donate. You can give anytime. Tomorrow is just the one show a year we dedicate to raising money for the trip. I’m pretty proud of a couple things you will hear tomorrow, so please make sure you’re listening. Since Kidd is not here to issue one anymore, I will go ahead and say this ahead of time. Mascara alert on a couple of things. Worthwhile, though. I promise.

Long story short. Tomorrow. KiddsKids.com. Kidd’s Kids Day 2014. Come on. Make this trip happen.

Kinda random, but it is Saturday..

I have seen over the past day or two just the headline of Governor Rick Perry being indicted over abuse of power or two felonies...maybe that's the same thing. I can't help but be irritated by the fact that such a person is in a position to say that I cannot get married. Is there any irony in that situation? Go ahead conservatives...get mad....

This is a little more random...do people with accents think in accents?

I've noticed this week since I've slept long enough at one time to actually dream that I've had some weird stuff in my head. Last night I had a really weird one and I know exactly where it came from. I dreamt that I did this stunt for the show that had me flying through the air into water. I was able to fly the length of one block before I came down. I've had a lot of propelling dreams for some reason and they've all been that..one block before I came down. But anyway. I come back to the studio and we all have lockers made of ice chests. Random. I know. And people who have never asked to see where I work and show little to no interest in my life were there with a cartoon drawing of me...but it looked nothing like me. It was supposed to be a tribute to me, but it was an insult in the end. Again, I know where this one came from...I just didn't know that this situation was apparently bugging me that much. It shouldn't be, so I gonna put a stop to that.

I went to see the neurologist on Tuesday and it was more of the same. Nothing definite. She said it's stress on top of muscle and some other stuff. She had an accent, so maybe I didn't pick up on all of it. But she added an anti-depressant to my list of meds to see if it helps. I had to walk a straight line...that was comedic. I couldn't do it. I pray to goodness that I never get asked to do a sobriety test because I will fail miserably. I'm talking fall over to the side drunk looking. We'll see if this works for the headaches. I need it to.

I know I've been doing these deep blogs about important stuff and another one is coming, but this one is just a quick update on what's going on in my head. Not too deep, though. There have been moments of utter rage, frustration, times to just step back and take the moment in, and a little bit of everything in between. That's life. And knowing that's life, I leave you with this pic I found on pinterest.

And finally I finished this dang thing

Do you ever look at the people on your Facebook friends list of your cell phone contact list or whatever list…just the people in your life and wonder how they view you? I think back to yesterday’s show when Kellie was talking about Chris Brown’s ex as a doormat. Are you someone’s doormat? Am I someone’s doormat? Maybe it’s something you don’t really want to face or acknowledge because it sucks. It’s way easier just to try and talk yourself out of it or ignore it than it is to face the reality that you’re better than this person gives you credit for.

It’s almost inevitable that most of us are going to have a job at one point in our lives that someone we work for or with isn’t going to see our value. A company is made of so many people from so many different backgrounds and personalities and goals…you’re going to butt heads. But that’s a circumstance where you kind of have no choice but to suck it up at times because you have to pay the rent somehow, right?

I’m talking about feeling worthy in the lives of the people you choose to be around after you clock out for the day. Maybe you’re a family oriented person and the first call you make after work is to a family member. How do you feel when you hang up the phone? Did they lift you up somehow? Or did they make it their point to take your day and make it even worse because, somehow, that made them feel better about themselves? But they’re family, so you have no choice in the matter, right? WRONG!

The idea of family is a great one. You’re born into this group of people who SHOULD love you and support you and stand behind you no matter what. The theory is a great one, but the reality isn’t always anywhere near that. Who knows why people do what they do sometimes, but here’s the truth. You didn’t pick your family and no matter how hard it might be to come to terms with, you’re not stuck with them. Yeah, they’re probably going to try and make you feel about an inch tall when it’s clear that you don’t feel like you belong anymore. But just like any other relationship, it’s a two way street.

I always try to use analogies because I think they make things easier to understand. So here’s an analogy. Let’s say (in regards to the family thing) that you have a cousin who punches you in the eye every time your family gets together. It leaves a bruise and hurts like crap, but no one in the family does anything to stop it. Your only choice is to quit going to family stuff. Makes sense to protect yourself, right? At least to you it does. But then you gotta deal with the guilt of disassociating yourself from people who throw you to the wolves, so to speak. How is that right? I don’t know. I, for one, don’t think it is. I believe that if you were to continue to go and get punched in the face while no one even tried to protect you that it would make you a weak spirited person. A doormat. One that lays there while whoever wants to rubs there dirty, poopy, muddy, gummy, worn out, disgusting shoes on. Is that who you want to be?

Why am I writing this? I don’ t know if you’re asking that or not. You might not care. But I’m finding myself asking myself where do I fit in the picture. The family thing was an analogy. Just the big picture of life. What’s my purpose? I mean really…why am I here? I read messages from people who say that I’ve helped them in a bunch of ways. Whether it be coming out, health stuff, dealing with loss, or just random life whatever. I’m proud to know that I’ve made that difference for them. Beyond that, though, what am I supposed to be doing? I don’t think that God has me here for the sake of daily migraines and spending excessive amounts of time in my really dark bedroom. What’s the plan then?

I think back a lot on the past year and how I’ve asked over and over for the same thing. Good things for good people. I’ve seen it happen on occasion and I’m insanely grateful for that. I think maybe I’m feeling a little resentful and dumbfounded as to when that is going to become a consistent part of life. If ever. That might sound selfish and dumb, but I think everyone is allowed to think that way every now and then. Try not to beat me up too much for it. I know that I’m lucky to have you guys and the support and prayers and love that you’ve given. I’m lucky to be alive and able to function. I’m going to be honest. I want to function and not feel like crap. This is not me and I’m giving into it. Or is it really my new normal? I don’t deal well with uncertainty and I’ve got a lot of that going on.

I’ve tried backing off of the health talk because if I’m tired of talking about it, you’re probably sick of reading about it. But here’s a really long story short. Since the surgery, I’ve lost a lot of weight. I couldn’t keep food down for the longest. I’ve had a ton of tests done, but everything is fine with all the tests. There’s no for sure reason as to why this stuff has been happening…it just is.  I’ve had stuff go down my throat and up my….and more to come. When I say two a days, it’s not football practice, it’s more migraines. You get the idea. It’s a whippin to type, so I won’t beat you down with more to read about.

So onto a couple of random things.

1.     My Facebook like page is verified and that is exciting for me.

2.     This blog says I have over a million views. That’s exciting for me, too. THANK YOU for continuing to support me and follow my journey through life. Especially the bumpy roads I’ve encountered every now and then.

3.     I declare myself the worst cook ever. I ruined a pizza. How in the hell do you ruin a friggin pizza? I did. I still don’t know how. But I did.

4.     Why does the crazy rat lady at Target judge me for shaving my cat because I’m allergic to him?

5.     Why doesn’t Missy Elliott make new stuff? I love her music.

6.     I finally gave in and got on the Pinterest, but I still don’t understand the point. Beyond quotes that I want to paint on fence post signs or whatever, what do you do with it?

7.     Can a person’s head explode because they have so much going on in it and don’t know what to do with all of it? I mean really. Is that scientifically possible?

8.     Why do I still follow Justin Bieber on Instagram? I just want to punch him in the throat and maybe knock some sense into him. I know he does good things, but he comes across as such a jerkface most of the time. Gosh.

9.     Why can Iggy Azalea rap so good and I can’t? She even has an accent. I don’t. But she can rap fast. I can’t. Is it because the baby makers upstairs hate me?

10. My cat is a jerk. I’ve come to realize this. He truly is. He made me bleed yesterday. I clean his litter box, feed him, clean his butt, wipe his eyes, clean his ears, make sure his needs are met…and he makes me bleed. And sleeps. And poops way more than I think any living thing should. When I scoop his poop, I swear to you Must Be Nice guy sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear “Must be nice…”

And I guess for now that’s really all I have to say about that.

One year later, do it #ForKidd

I’ve mentioned in my blog before that I’ve not even started to deal with Kidd’s death. The one-year anniversary is on Sunday and I don’t know where my head is in regards to that. It doesn’t seem real even though it smacks me in the face every single day. Here’s the impact of losing him. My dad is my dad. He raised me and taught me to walk and talk and survive. Kidd was my second dad in a way. I knew him since I was 17. I listened to him since as long as I can remember. He was one of my heroes for forever. Once I started working with him, he taught me every skill that I have to be an independent radio producer or personality or whatever. No one else does it like him. Period. Tons of shows have stolen his bits because he was a creative genius. Perfectionist to a fault. He drove me nuts. I drove him nuts. But in the end, he was and is family to me. We would argue and bicker and sometimes not speak off the air because that’s just the way it was. That’s how it is when creativity clashes. Perfectionists don’t always see eye-to-eye…especially exhausted ones. But no matter what, there was love. And I knew that there would be love no matter how crappy of a day we had. I wish that I would have thanked him for giving me this once in a lifetime opportunity that most people dream of, but I didn’t. I hope that I proved my gratitude through my hard work and dedication to this show bearing his name. He had to have known. I hope that he did.

In an effort to keep the positivity behind his legacy going, we want you to “Do it for Kidd.” You know he was a man who was all about paying it forward and random acts of kindness. It doesn’t have to be anything huge or over the top or even monetary.  Just make a conscious effort to make a difference…a positive difference…in someone else’s life. Can you imagine if you were Kidd up in Heaven, looking down and saw so many people “doing it for you?” THAT is a legacy to be proud of. To make someone’s day better no matter how bug or small the gesture. Need some help with ideas? Let me think for a minute.

There’s always the option of paying for the meal of the person behind you in the drive through…and pray that they’re not being generous and buying for the entire office that day, Maybe you see an older person unloading some groceries into their car…slowly and calmly offer to help them. See a poor puppy wandering the street? If it looks like it won’t eat your face off, take it to the animal shelter. Pass out a case of bottled water to landscapers or construction workers. Take a couple of hot pizzas down to the fire station. You get the idea. Just do something that will help or bring a smile to someone else’s face. It’s not hard. And I promise you’re going to feel better about yourself when you’re done. So do it for yourself, but in the Twitterverse or social media world #ForKidd. DO it this weekend and tell us about it.

If you want the Kiddnation way of explaining it, they may do it better. Kiddnation.com

I know the impact that the Kraddick family had on my life. I know that when Kidd passed, he was a single man and that things were a lot different than when I first started. I would be crazy if I didn’t say that the people he introduced into my life have made a huge impact. From Carol and Caroline to his friends and family to trusted radio friends…I know that I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am if it weren’t for him. It’s as simple as that. He taught me that it’s ok to be selfless and it’s OK to cry and to be vulnerable. It makes you human and that’s something I would have never accepted before. It’s scary and opens you up to get burned and who wants that? With the schedule of the show I was able to have the strongest bond of my life with my nephew. I picked him up as much as I could. Kept him out too late. Bought him wench wise and coke…which he wasn’t supposed to have…and took the sweatiest, drooliest naps ever with him. Stuff I can’t imagine not having memories of and would literally trade anything to have back. I’ve also been given the opportunity to love in a different way. I know that we talk about Kidd’s Kids and the bonds that happen with the families on the trip. I also know that the main bonds you hear about are the ones with the cast.  I’m gonna give you a little peek behind the curtain. I get to go and hang out with the families before the trip and go out with them in the parks, so I also have a chance to bond with them. You just don’t hear about it. I will never have a child of my own, so I have a lot of love to give. And with these trips, I’m blessed to meet kids to share it with. Kids like Michael Hope, Emma Elizondo, Victoria, Maddy, Ayden, Sissy, the triplets, Krista Brewer, and so many more. I wish I could list everyone, but I suck at spelling and last names. And names in general. Kidd gave me that chance with his vision made reality and for that, I am grateful.

How many people get the chance to say that they have met their hero? Even better, how many people can say that they go to work every day and can call their hero a co-worker? I am one of those people. I am well aware of the fact that I work with the best in the business. I say this in a completely professional, yet fan girl way. Kellie Rasberry is hands down the most talented woman in the radio industry. Period. I don’t have a single doubt in my mind when in comes to that statement. She has the patience of a saint to have dealt with an A.D.D. perfectionist like Kidd for as long as she did. Their chemistry is impossible to create. It’s either there or it’s not. Kidd was a petite man, but an intimidating one. Kellie didn’t let him scare her one bit and I admire that about her. She is strong, smart, kind, giving, loving, and so many other things I can’t articulate at the moment. She is and has been my hero for as long as I can remember and I don’t see that changing. So a big thank you to Kidd for giving me the opportunity to work with such a talented, inspiring woman.

This blog could go on for days about the past 15 years of my life with the show, but that’s a long read. I know I can get pretty wordy as it is, so I’ll cut it short. Just please remember to pay it forward this weekend, do it #ForKidd, and always Keep lookin’ up, cuz that’s where it all is. 

The good....the bad...the stupid idiots

Well, where to begin. There’s been so much going on lately that I don’t know where to start. I guess this would be a good place. You guys have followed me throughout the course of my entire adulthood journey. Good and bad times have been shared and if you’re reading this now, you’ve chosen to stick it out with me. Thank you for that.

July and August are both crappy, crappy months. July used to be my birthday month. Yes. I was the girl who claimed the entire stupid month whether anyone else acknowledged it with me or not. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so I didn’t need anyone else’s support on a birthday month. But when my nephew passed away three days before my birthday, that kind of diminished my selfishness and priorities changed. I’ve done a keg stand or three in my life and that was awesome at the time. But on December 19, 2008 my mindset shifted into the reality of what is important in life. At least somewhat. What I finally realized was important was opening my heart instead of my big mouth to be the loudest one at the party. The birth of my nephew was truly a life changing experience for me because I finally saw what it was to unconditionally love someone. I knew that such a thing existed and that love did exist without the expectation of anything in return.

My life changed again on July 13, 2011 when my nephew drowned with his grandfather in their backyard pool. I’ve lost many people in my life and I will be the first to admit that I’m not over them. I’ve not even begun to grieve the loss of Kidd. I don’t know where to begin with that. The day he died was such frenzy and everything since then has been so chaotic I’ve just not dealt with it. I’ve tried to do the best that I can with losing Ethan, but Grieving for Dummies say that it takes 5 years to grieve the loss of a child and even longer if you had a close bond with the child. I had a very close relationship with him. He was the son I never had. So I don’t know how long it will take to get beyond the crying spells and the guilt of I should have had a guy feeling or it was a Wednesday…I should have picked him up. I picked him up on Wednesday’s. Why didn’t I have him that day? I’ve got to take it as it comes because I’m only human. I’m trying to focus on the positives and embrace the lessons that he taught me and the love that I will always feel for him, but I would be lying if I said that positive stuff was all I think about. I miss his sweaty head falling asleep on me. But anyway. I didn’t intend to get into all of that again.

As you know, my sister and her husband moved to Hawaii to find peace within themselves and sort of start over. I’ve not seen them since September of 2013, but they flew into town to surprise my mom for her birthday last week. My mom was surprised and we did a little birthday cook out for her and it was nice. But there was another reason for getting everyone together.

My sister and her husband announced that they are expecting baby number 2. She is now 15 weeks pregnant and they are both feeling excited and blessed. So congratulations to Samantha and Orlando on expanding their family. They are great parents and I know that their baby will be a happy baby. Before you ask. Are they moving back to Texas? As of right now, to my knowledge, the answer is no. They are doing well and are happy in Maui, so I believe that they are going to try and stay there.

Now, I know that last Monday we played some audio of me coming out of anesthesia and people were asking what I was put under for. Here’s the story. So the brain surgery was done and I think everything with that is OK. Now it’s been a series of other things…mostly with my stomach. I guess I should be gaining weight, but I’m not. So they’ve been trying to figure out why my stomach goes through periods of rejecting food. I’ve had test after test done and it’s officially a beating. They checked my gallbladder with some kind of test and my something else with another test and then they did the scope thing where they went down my throat and into my stomach. They found 5 spots on my stomach that were abnormal, so they did biopsies. I found out yesterday that everything with all 5 spots was normal. My stomach is inflamed, but there are no bacteria on any of the places. So now what? A colonoscopy. And I have to see another specialist for my head. It’s exhausting. I don’t like any of it because I feel like I’m wasting doctors time and lots of money to be told that everything is normal. I don’t know what’s happening or who will finally figure it out…if there’s even an “it” to figure out, but if there is, I hope it’s soon.

Oh, and here are a few life lessons I’ve picked up on over the past however long.

- Everybody has his or her stuff. Whether it’s health related or job related or family stuff…we’ve all got it. It’s how we deal with it that matters. Your situation doesn’t define you, but your reaction to it most certainly can. So think about that before you go letting your knee jerk reaction control you. You might regret it in the end.

-       And something else I thought about after a conversation I had with someone a couple months ago. Guilt isn’t fair. So keep that in mind the next way you’re trying anything and everything to get what you want and you have to reach for desperate measures. Guilt is like the punch in the gut that no one deserves. Before you go doing that, take a step back and think that maybe…just maybe…if you have to go that far…you don’t deserve what you’re asking of them. Double back on your thought process and say to yourself…hold on a minute. I shouldn’t have to go that far to get what I want from that person. So maybe this isn’t really fair. Try it. I promise. You’ll see in the end….I’m right. And boy that’s gonna suck for you.

-       And that’s really all I have to say about that. For now. I need to shower. The nasty of my thoughts makes me feel dirty.

Pretty random

I’m a slacker and I know it. I have no excuse, so I won’t try and make any up. I’ve been preoccupied. Lots of stuff going on in these parts and I suck at life for not making time to write about them.

So, let’s see. I did the big lesbian festival a couple Sunday’s ago. It went pretty OK. I got my sunburn that I put the pic of. Then some of you were kind enough to make what were meant to be rude comments about my back. Here’s a lesson for you, haters. That stuff doesn’t bother me. Would you rather I have a back of fat rolls? A toned back doesn’t make you manly, so I wasn’t offended by your comments that were intended to offend. Sorry ‘bout ya. Try harder next time.

On a lighter note, I came in my living room where the Billboard Music Awards are on. My car has been respectfully named Kelly Clarkson since 2012 now. But there’s a very slight chance that the name may be changing. Here are the options I just decided on. These aren’t very well thought out at all, but it’s OK.

Miranda Lambert and/or Carrie Underwood’s thighs

Shakira

Not Lorde

This may sound a little beeyotchy, but do you think Chrissy Teegan or whatever her name is gets sick of the John Legend “All of Me” song? It’s so sweet….I know. I love it. I love the idea and meaning behind it. If I could write like that and play an instrument and stuff, I would in a heartbeat. But come on. Be honest. If she’s in the car by herself and that song comes on for the hundred millionth time just to put it on another station and another to another for it to be there still, isn’t she just like “OMG. I get it.” And if she’s this hot person or whatever…I don’t personally find her attractive, but I may be the minority because she’s doing something right…some part of her has to want like a “Talk Dirty” kind of song. Maybe I should stop thinking about this and move onto something a little more productive.

To all the Tegan and Sara fans out there, yes. I did join the SCS. Have I gotten my sash and patches yet? No. I’m waiting. I will tell you loud and proud when they finally come. Maybe someone can iron my patches onto my sash for me. I think the stupid fancy iron I bought is broken because it just turns off even if I don’t unplug it or push any buttons or anything. I don’t understand it.

If you haven’t purchased the new Jason DeRulo album yet, I suggest it. I love that dang With The Lights On song. I wanna do it with my Nike’s on and the lights on and other stuff on. I forgot what else he wants on. He’s not signing to me, so I don’t really need to remember. Oh, we can record it with my iPhone 5. I do remember that. And there’s a song about a booty like bubblegum that I like, too. I don’t have a booty like bubblegum, so he’s not singing that to me, either. But if I did have a booty like bubblegum, I would pop it like bubblegum. I also got the Miley Cyrus album. I’m not shamed to admit it. I really like it/ That SMS song with Britney is great. And FUH. There’s some other ones, but I’m not familiar with them yet. Plus, I’m on antibiotics. If it works for Al, that can work for me.

On an honest serious or whatever note, an update. I guess it worrisome that my weight continues to drop. So on Tuesday they’re doing a stomach scope. I’m not excited about it one little bit, but I’ve got no appetite. And when I do eat, it comes back up. That’s gross and not healthy and just not OK, so maybe they can figure out something on Tuesday. Or not. We will see. Either way, they’re putting me under and sticking a tube down some part of me. I’ll let you know how that goes.