One year later, do it #ForKidd

I’ve mentioned in my blog before that I’ve not even started to deal with Kidd’s death. The one-year anniversary is on Sunday and I don’t know where my head is in regards to that. It doesn’t seem real even though it smacks me in the face every single day. Here’s the impact of losing him. My dad is my dad. He raised me and taught me to walk and talk and survive. Kidd was my second dad in a way. I knew him since I was 17. I listened to him since as long as I can remember. He was one of my heroes for forever. Once I started working with him, he taught me every skill that I have to be an independent radio producer or personality or whatever. No one else does it like him. Period. Tons of shows have stolen his bits because he was a creative genius. Perfectionist to a fault. He drove me nuts. I drove him nuts. But in the end, he was and is family to me. We would argue and bicker and sometimes not speak off the air because that’s just the way it was. That’s how it is when creativity clashes. Perfectionists don’t always see eye-to-eye…especially exhausted ones. But no matter what, there was love. And I knew that there would be love no matter how crappy of a day we had. I wish that I would have thanked him for giving me this once in a lifetime opportunity that most people dream of, but I didn’t. I hope that I proved my gratitude through my hard work and dedication to this show bearing his name. He had to have known. I hope that he did.

In an effort to keep the positivity behind his legacy going, we want you to “Do it for Kidd.” You know he was a man who was all about paying it forward and random acts of kindness. It doesn’t have to be anything huge or over the top or even monetary.  Just make a conscious effort to make a difference…a positive difference…in someone else’s life. Can you imagine if you were Kidd up in Heaven, looking down and saw so many people “doing it for you?” THAT is a legacy to be proud of. To make someone’s day better no matter how bug or small the gesture. Need some help with ideas? Let me think for a minute.

There’s always the option of paying for the meal of the person behind you in the drive through…and pray that they’re not being generous and buying for the entire office that day, Maybe you see an older person unloading some groceries into their car…slowly and calmly offer to help them. See a poor puppy wandering the street? If it looks like it won’t eat your face off, take it to the animal shelter. Pass out a case of bottled water to landscapers or construction workers. Take a couple of hot pizzas down to the fire station. You get the idea. Just do something that will help or bring a smile to someone else’s face. It’s not hard. And I promise you’re going to feel better about yourself when you’re done. So do it for yourself, but in the Twitterverse or social media world #ForKidd. DO it this weekend and tell us about it.

If you want the Kiddnation way of explaining it, they may do it better. Kiddnation.com

I know the impact that the Kraddick family had on my life. I know that when Kidd passed, he was a single man and that things were a lot different than when I first started. I would be crazy if I didn’t say that the people he introduced into my life have made a huge impact. From Carol and Caroline to his friends and family to trusted radio friends…I know that I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am if it weren’t for him. It’s as simple as that. He taught me that it’s ok to be selfless and it’s OK to cry and to be vulnerable. It makes you human and that’s something I would have never accepted before. It’s scary and opens you up to get burned and who wants that? With the schedule of the show I was able to have the strongest bond of my life with my nephew. I picked him up as much as I could. Kept him out too late. Bought him wench wise and coke…which he wasn’t supposed to have…and took the sweatiest, drooliest naps ever with him. Stuff I can’t imagine not having memories of and would literally trade anything to have back. I’ve also been given the opportunity to love in a different way. I know that we talk about Kidd’s Kids and the bonds that happen with the families on the trip. I also know that the main bonds you hear about are the ones with the cast.  I’m gonna give you a little peek behind the curtain. I get to go and hang out with the families before the trip and go out with them in the parks, so I also have a chance to bond with them. You just don’t hear about it. I will never have a child of my own, so I have a lot of love to give. And with these trips, I’m blessed to meet kids to share it with. Kids like Michael Hope, Emma Elizondo, Victoria, Maddy, Ayden, Sissy, the triplets, Krista Brewer, and so many more. I wish I could list everyone, but I suck at spelling and last names. And names in general. Kidd gave me that chance with his vision made reality and for that, I am grateful.

How many people get the chance to say that they have met their hero? Even better, how many people can say that they go to work every day and can call their hero a co-worker? I am one of those people. I am well aware of the fact that I work with the best in the business. I say this in a completely professional, yet fan girl way. Kellie Rasberry is hands down the most talented woman in the radio industry. Period. I don’t have a single doubt in my mind when in comes to that statement. She has the patience of a saint to have dealt with an A.D.D. perfectionist like Kidd for as long as she did. Their chemistry is impossible to create. It’s either there or it’s not. Kidd was a petite man, but an intimidating one. Kellie didn’t let him scare her one bit and I admire that about her. She is strong, smart, kind, giving, loving, and so many other things I can’t articulate at the moment. She is and has been my hero for as long as I can remember and I don’t see that changing. So a big thank you to Kidd for giving me the opportunity to work with such a talented, inspiring woman.

This blog could go on for days about the past 15 years of my life with the show, but that’s a long read. I know I can get pretty wordy as it is, so I’ll cut it short. Just please remember to pay it forward this weekend, do it #ForKidd, and always Keep lookin’ up, cuz that’s where it all is. 

The good....the bad...the stupid idiots

Well, where to begin. There’s been so much going on lately that I don’t know where to start. I guess this would be a good place. You guys have followed me throughout the course of my entire adulthood journey. Good and bad times have been shared and if you’re reading this now, you’ve chosen to stick it out with me. Thank you for that.

July and August are both crappy, crappy months. July used to be my birthday month. Yes. I was the girl who claimed the entire stupid month whether anyone else acknowledged it with me or not. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so I didn’t need anyone else’s support on a birthday month. But when my nephew passed away three days before my birthday, that kind of diminished my selfishness and priorities changed. I’ve done a keg stand or three in my life and that was awesome at the time. But on December 19, 2008 my mindset shifted into the reality of what is important in life. At least somewhat. What I finally realized was important was opening my heart instead of my big mouth to be the loudest one at the party. The birth of my nephew was truly a life changing experience for me because I finally saw what it was to unconditionally love someone. I knew that such a thing existed and that love did exist without the expectation of anything in return.

My life changed again on July 13, 2011 when my nephew drowned with his grandfather in their backyard pool. I’ve lost many people in my life and I will be the first to admit that I’m not over them. I’ve not even begun to grieve the loss of Kidd. I don’t know where to begin with that. The day he died was such frenzy and everything since then has been so chaotic I’ve just not dealt with it. I’ve tried to do the best that I can with losing Ethan, but Grieving for Dummies say that it takes 5 years to grieve the loss of a child and even longer if you had a close bond with the child. I had a very close relationship with him. He was the son I never had. So I don’t know how long it will take to get beyond the crying spells and the guilt of I should have had a guy feeling or it was a Wednesday…I should have picked him up. I picked him up on Wednesday’s. Why didn’t I have him that day? I’ve got to take it as it comes because I’m only human. I’m trying to focus on the positives and embrace the lessons that he taught me and the love that I will always feel for him, but I would be lying if I said that positive stuff was all I think about. I miss his sweaty head falling asleep on me. But anyway. I didn’t intend to get into all of that again.

As you know, my sister and her husband moved to Hawaii to find peace within themselves and sort of start over. I’ve not seen them since September of 2013, but they flew into town to surprise my mom for her birthday last week. My mom was surprised and we did a little birthday cook out for her and it was nice. But there was another reason for getting everyone together.

My sister and her husband announced that they are expecting baby number 2. She is now 15 weeks pregnant and they are both feeling excited and blessed. So congratulations to Samantha and Orlando on expanding their family. They are great parents and I know that their baby will be a happy baby. Before you ask. Are they moving back to Texas? As of right now, to my knowledge, the answer is no. They are doing well and are happy in Maui, so I believe that they are going to try and stay there.

Now, I know that last Monday we played some audio of me coming out of anesthesia and people were asking what I was put under for. Here’s the story. So the brain surgery was done and I think everything with that is OK. Now it’s been a series of other things…mostly with my stomach. I guess I should be gaining weight, but I’m not. So they’ve been trying to figure out why my stomach goes through periods of rejecting food. I’ve had test after test done and it’s officially a beating. They checked my gallbladder with some kind of test and my something else with another test and then they did the scope thing where they went down my throat and into my stomach. They found 5 spots on my stomach that were abnormal, so they did biopsies. I found out yesterday that everything with all 5 spots was normal. My stomach is inflamed, but there are no bacteria on any of the places. So now what? A colonoscopy. And I have to see another specialist for my head. It’s exhausting. I don’t like any of it because I feel like I’m wasting doctors time and lots of money to be told that everything is normal. I don’t know what’s happening or who will finally figure it out…if there’s even an “it” to figure out, but if there is, I hope it’s soon.

Oh, and here are a few life lessons I’ve picked up on over the past however long.

- Everybody has his or her stuff. Whether it’s health related or job related or family stuff…we’ve all got it. It’s how we deal with it that matters. Your situation doesn’t define you, but your reaction to it most certainly can. So think about that before you go letting your knee jerk reaction control you. You might regret it in the end.

-       And something else I thought about after a conversation I had with someone a couple months ago. Guilt isn’t fair. So keep that in mind the next way you’re trying anything and everything to get what you want and you have to reach for desperate measures. Guilt is like the punch in the gut that no one deserves. Before you go doing that, take a step back and think that maybe…just maybe…if you have to go that far…you don’t deserve what you’re asking of them. Double back on your thought process and say to yourself…hold on a minute. I shouldn’t have to go that far to get what I want from that person. So maybe this isn’t really fair. Try it. I promise. You’ll see in the end….I’m right. And boy that’s gonna suck for you.

-       And that’s really all I have to say about that. For now. I need to shower. The nasty of my thoughts makes me feel dirty.

Pretty random

I’m a slacker and I know it. I have no excuse, so I won’t try and make any up. I’ve been preoccupied. Lots of stuff going on in these parts and I suck at life for not making time to write about them.

So, let’s see. I did the big lesbian festival a couple Sunday’s ago. It went pretty OK. I got my sunburn that I put the pic of. Then some of you were kind enough to make what were meant to be rude comments about my back. Here’s a lesson for you, haters. That stuff doesn’t bother me. Would you rather I have a back of fat rolls? A toned back doesn’t make you manly, so I wasn’t offended by your comments that were intended to offend. Sorry ‘bout ya. Try harder next time.

On a lighter note, I came in my living room where the Billboard Music Awards are on. My car has been respectfully named Kelly Clarkson since 2012 now. But there’s a very slight chance that the name may be changing. Here are the options I just decided on. These aren’t very well thought out at all, but it’s OK.

Miranda Lambert and/or Carrie Underwood’s thighs

Shakira

Not Lorde

This may sound a little beeyotchy, but do you think Chrissy Teegan or whatever her name is gets sick of the John Legend “All of Me” song? It’s so sweet….I know. I love it. I love the idea and meaning behind it. If I could write like that and play an instrument and stuff, I would in a heartbeat. But come on. Be honest. If she’s in the car by herself and that song comes on for the hundred millionth time just to put it on another station and another to another for it to be there still, isn’t she just like “OMG. I get it.” And if she’s this hot person or whatever…I don’t personally find her attractive, but I may be the minority because she’s doing something right…some part of her has to want like a “Talk Dirty” kind of song. Maybe I should stop thinking about this and move onto something a little more productive.

To all the Tegan and Sara fans out there, yes. I did join the SCS. Have I gotten my sash and patches yet? No. I’m waiting. I will tell you loud and proud when they finally come. Maybe someone can iron my patches onto my sash for me. I think the stupid fancy iron I bought is broken because it just turns off even if I don’t unplug it or push any buttons or anything. I don’t understand it.

If you haven’t purchased the new Jason DeRulo album yet, I suggest it. I love that dang With The Lights On song. I wanna do it with my Nike’s on and the lights on and other stuff on. I forgot what else he wants on. He’s not signing to me, so I don’t really need to remember. Oh, we can record it with my iPhone 5. I do remember that. And there’s a song about a booty like bubblegum that I like, too. I don’t have a booty like bubblegum, so he’s not singing that to me, either. But if I did have a booty like bubblegum, I would pop it like bubblegum. I also got the Miley Cyrus album. I’m not shamed to admit it. I really like it/ That SMS song with Britney is great. And FUH. There’s some other ones, but I’m not familiar with them yet. Plus, I’m on antibiotics. If it works for Al, that can work for me.

On an honest serious or whatever note, an update. I guess it worrisome that my weight continues to drop. So on Tuesday they’re doing a stomach scope. I’m not excited about it one little bit, but I’ve got no appetite. And when I do eat, it comes back up. That’s gross and not healthy and just not OK, so maybe they can figure out something on Tuesday. Or not. We will see. Either way, they’re putting me under and sticking a tube down some part of me. I’ll let you know how that goes.

This life theory is a load of crap...

"You can't lose what you never had to begin with."

It's either a life quote that's supposed to make you sound smart or a line from a movie. one or the other. Either way, one thing holds true. It's bull-ish. 

Yes you can. 

Let's say you put the down payment down on a house you're building, but then a storm comes and destroys it and floods the land. Destroyed. List. And all of the hard work you put into saving up for the down payment and picking out the perfect piece of land and floor plan to fit your needs now and in the future are gone. Just like that. You never really had it, but you worked your ass off for it. And it's lost much easier than it was gained. 

Not a good enough example? Fine. Here's another. You spend how many years and thousands of dollars on a college education so you can get that career of your dreams. You graduate and the economy tanks. The jobless rate skyrockets and you're screwed. But you're overqualified for that dream job. The placement rate at your school is like 98%. You do everything right. But  before it's ever really yours POOF. It's gone. 

If you don't get the point, I can't help you. You probably weren't in an Ivy League college with a fabulous future ahead. And that's ok. I'm in your arena. I bought "Grieving for Dummies" and I don't get it. Maybe book reading isn't my strength. Or maybe I'm just not that smart in general. Whatever. 

The point is this. I say that the theory is bull because plans are something. Hope is something. I can tell you that I've been holding onto hope for dear life and it's feeling more and more like people are getting off on putting baby oil on my grip. What's the point of getting out of bed in the morning if you don't have hope? It's not tangible. You're never gonna get to actually touch it. But that doesn't mean you can't have it. I'm sitting here on my couch...my head is pounding. I just lost my dinner. My mental state is worse than it was when Ethan passed away...and all I'm asking God for is a thread of hope that won't get unfairly stolen away from me. Ripped up, shredded, packed away...whatever the case may be. I need something. If you don't have something, that leaves nothing. And that, friends, is no life to live. 

I bust my ass to have the things that I do. Lately I jump through friggin hoops for a stinking phone call. And today...for the second time in a week...I found myself saying enough is enough.Even more than that, I FELT it in my heart. I feel it as I get email after email from people wanting things from me. People who ask me for what they desire before they ask how I'm doing or even saying hi. It has eaten away at the very spark of my soul. Oh, wait a second..there's another one. It's a follow up from last weeks "this is what I need from you" email. Let me take care of that. I just can't. 

What's it gonna take? I don't need to be a millionaire. Hell, I don't want the taxes.  But I damn sure deserve options outside of a 604 square foot apartment. I just want to be HAPPY for crying out loud. Is that a crime?
As someone who has had many plans unfairly ripped out of her grip, I call BS on that theory that you can't lose what you never had. 

Yes you can. So write some more lies whoever wrote that one in the first place. 


It's a terrible feeling when you think you see an end in sight....or at least share a common vision...and the WHAM. Out of nowhere POOF. Be gone. I never HAD anything more than the hope or the vision. But I'm telling you it hurts like hell to let go of something else I never had. 

So suck it whoever said the thing this blog started out with. 

Can you guys help me, please?

I’m not too proud to admit that there are some occasions that I need help. This would be one of those occasions. It’s not anything life or death. Just a couple of things that my google skills don’t seem to be strong enough to help me figure out.

Before this brain surgery stuff happened, I made the decision that I wanted to start running. Then all of my medical junk happened and that wasn’t exactly an option. If you can’t tell by now, if something doesn’t happen, I’m going to go off the deep end. I need a physical goal for myself that I know I can obtain. It’s hard for me to make a daily appointment at the gym with these stupid headaches I tend to get a lot. And if I take the good meds to knock it out, on a treadmill or elliptical at an incline and high resistance is the last place I need to be. I just went to get my flip-flops off of my shoe rack thing. I had my belt hanging on there and I managed to knock my eye bone with it. That hurt like crap. This is what I’m dealing with. This is what I’m learning to accept as my new normal, at least for a while.

May is brain tumor awareness month and, surprisingly enough, there is no fundraising 5K or half marathon or anything in the actual month for it. I think it’s in Ft. Worth in October or November. So my aunt wants to do the half when it comes up. Yay! A goal to work towards! But now what? I’ve asked for tips on how to start, but I’ve gotten nothing.  I went to the bookstore to see if there’s a book that kind of spells it out for idiots like me, but I didn’t find one. I’ve got this walking stuff down as long as it’s on an even surface and there aren’t stairs involved. You throw in walking on dirt and an uneven hill or even the stairs leading up to my apartment and I’m screwed. So I guess it’s just going to be me holding onto the handles of the elliptical for dear life until I get the hang of it. Ouch. My eye hurts like crap. Back to the point of this. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to go about getting back in the swing of this fitness thing? I have to be careful because I’ve dropped some weight and it’s not coming back the way I would expect it to. I don’t feel good about my body this way, so I certainly don’t want to go and burn more calories than I’m able to keep in every day. I know it makes sense to hire a trainer. I get it. I’m doing my best to keep as much money in my account as I can because I’ve learned through this that you never know what to expect. I don’t want to be caught off guard and have additional stress added to it. So I’m asking if anyone has a good book or resource or tips they can offer up to help me get this ball rolling.

Secondly, in relation to this, people in the DFW area, I need recommendations from you for the best, most affordable place to get my front windows tinted on my car. Sunglasses hurt my head, so something’s gotta give. I’ve needed to do this anyway to protect the interior of my car from fading, but I’ve not. But now that I have a hard time wearing sunglasses, I need all the help I can get. I want them as dark as legally allowed and I don’t want those nasty cheap tint job bubbles popping up in 3 months. I could go to the store and buy tint and do that myself maybe. I’ve never gotten tinting on a vehicle, so I don’t know the right questions to ask or where to even start with the googling on this one. I know people LOVE sharing their knowledge of cars and stuff like I love sharing what I know about music, so I’m asking. Please share.

Here’s another question. Dang I’m needy. I have this blog set up and it gets a lot of hits. But I link it from my Facebook pages. Facebook is smart and limits the reach of a post based on the posts before it, I guess. Until my blog becomes a part of people’s routine, I need a way of making sure the link is seen and clicked on so that I can take the blog thing to the next level. I out it in “About Me” on my Like Page and it’s there, but it doesn’t exactly POP like I want it to. I know that a lot of people have blogs or know people with them and have some knowledge of how to make it more successful than it already is. I spoke to a very smart guy the other day about my book idea and he said that step one is to make this blog take off. So that’s what I need to do. Facebook is great for getting your name out there, but they’re also great at making money. Money I’m not going to spend if I don’t have to.

So there you have it. I need your help!!!! Please and thank you. I feel like I’ve got so much that is just trapped and stuck and has nowhere to go that if I don’t make some changes, I’m gonna explode. This blog is me genuinely saying that I’m human and I’m about .314 cm from my breaking point and I’m leaning on your guys…people I don’t know necessarily but somehow have enough of a bond with that you feel like you know me…to help me. You have my thanks in advance.

You have your Throwback Thursday...I'm starting my own trend. Gratitude Blog Post Day Thursday

I’m really about to buckle down and start figuring out the process of publishing a book. Why not, right? I’ve got stories, experiences, lessons, thoughts, and stuff to tell. Maybe someone will read it. In an effort to get that going, blogging will become more of a priority to me. I always get such a good response with posts I should do it more often anyway. I’m thinking maybe a theme day once or twice a week just to keep some train of thought going. I’m open to ideas and suggestions, so feel free to share them. I’m going to start doing Thursday blogs on something I’m grateful for. I’m not your typical “I’m thankful for the sky” thinker, so this might get interesting.

One thing I’ve noticed lately is that I’m a little over Facebook. Not the idea. I love reading posts that are original and funny or thought provoking or give some insight into someone’s life, but now it’s so full of ads and viral videos that I don’t care to see 700 times a day that it’s just wasted on me. So some days I just look at the pages of people I care about and that’s about the extent of it. You see that Facebook asks you how you’re feeling today or right now or whatever and most times, at least from my recently cut into memory, it’s all a bunch of bad stuff. I totally understand. You are reading the words of a girl who came home on Tuesday and had a meltdown that might eclipse any meltdown I’ve had in a few years. And I’ve had some pretty big meltdowns over the past few months.

This blog is not going to be a rehash of everything that has gone wrong in my world over the past how ever many months. A brain tumor, surgery, and several deaths. It’s sucked. For the longest time I had a note on my mirror that had a quote from a radio veteran from here in the DFW area. Her name is Sammi G and I went to do an interview on her Fishbowl Radio Network one day. We got to talking after I was done and she said one thing that really stood out to me “Be grateful. You’re still standing.”

What did I do? What every rational human does. I got a dry erase marker and wrote it on my bathroom mirror. I’m gonna tell you…if this isn’t something that you do…write notes to yourself on your mirror…you should. Reminders, inspirational quotes….whatever. It’s pretty genius if you ask me.

On Tuesday somewhere mid-meltdown day, I erased that message and wrote a new one. I’ve been such a firm believer in the idea of “You get what you give” for so long. You give 100% to something, you get that back. I’ve figured out that my thought process is great in theory, but the reality of it is untrue. You can’t make anyone give anything they’re unwilling or unable to give. My male feline son, for example. I cannot make him produce a gallon of milk right now. I, on the other hand, under the right circumstances, could. Our ability to give isn’t balanced AT ALL. My way of thinking is the way that I believe that life should be in the way of relationships and jobs, but unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. Most of us work our asses off every single day and should be millionaires. We aren’t. But we still go to work everyday and bust our butts everyday. Back to the point. I erased my “Be grateful you’re still standing” and replaced that with “”Give what you get.”

In theory, that sounds awesome. So tough and rigid and like I’m finally growing a backbone. In reality, my non-milk producing feline son is laying on my arm, causing it to go numb as all I want to do is type. He snores, he drools, he bites. He gives me very little in return other than an occasional head butt when he sees that I need some kind of sign of affection. It doesn’t even out, but that’s what he can do. I accept him for what he’s capable of. I love him like he came out of me. Thank goodness he didn’t because I’d probably still be peeing hairballs. 9 years later. You get the idea, though.

This is going somewhere. I promise. I ‘m just trying to give some background as to the odd thing I’m showing gratitude for today. Coming to accept the reality of giving what you get. It’s never going to happen. It’s not me. We live in a selfish, effed up world where there are so few thoughtful, trustworthy people left, it’s scary. When the amount of people I’ve cleansed out of my life over the past however long is far higher than the amount of people left standing in it, that says a lot. Either about me, my values in the people I want in my life, or the people I know. But it does all come down to one thing. And that thing is what I’m grateful for today.

Closure.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’ve experienced the closure I’ve needed in parts of my life and that my world is better for it. I’ve not. I was really on the right path to doing that when this whole brain tumor happened. Then there was the surgery and now the recovery. It’s kind of hard to move mountains when you can’t lift over 30lbs. But I still have my eyes set on the goal. Closure of certain chapters of my life for the sake of beginning new ones. Necessary closures that have been dragged out for way too long.

I’ve thought a lot about my love (or maybe obsession) with Tegan and Sara. I liked their song “Walking With a Ghost.” I knew the words and would sing along to it. But then Heartthrob came out and it was like a big slap in my face. A lot of their words reference relationship stuff, but I see it as a broader base type thing. Maybe yes, still relationship, but relationships beyond the person you kiss goodnight and fall asleep with. Maybe your family or friends or whatever. I can just do a couple of song titles and I think you might understand “How Come You Don’t Want Me.” “Now I’m All Messed Up.” “I Run Empty.” All about those things or those people in your life that just suck the life and energy out of you until you’re defeated. Then you’re tossed aside like you have nothing to give because, at least in that area of your life, you don’t.

I guess it’s one of those 7 or 8 or 12 step realization things when this happens. You feel mad, sad, go into denial, blame someone, guilt…whatever. Feel those things because it’s better to just go ahead and get them out of the way now so they don’t come back and haunt you 9 years later. There’s something that’s really easy to forget in this process, though, and that’s the fact that any kind of relationship or partnership takes two sides to make it work. The boss has to reinforce you with rewards, raises, bonuses, and paychecks when you loyally do your job well day after day, year after year. Your significant other deserves the same “thinking of you” text during the day that you believe you deserve. Family is a weird thing. You cannot choose your family. You’re just born into it. So it’s kind of on the older members of your family to make sure that it’s a loving, healthy environment you’re brought into. You cannot sacrifice your soul to spend holidays with a house full of alcoholics or meth addicts or child abusers or whatever the case may be. It’s unfair and will eat you alive if you let it. So why should you give yourself…your sanity and your well being…if they’re willing to give none of that in return? You shouldn’t! While it sucks, there’s a point where you say OK, well, I tried. I see that these people are unwilling to make the changes necessary to keep me in their lives and therefore I have to walk away.

Closure.

I need to look back into grief counseling because I need to deal with the losses in my life. Ethan still haunts me. That’s been a blog topic since it happened, so I won’t get into it again. Kidd’s passing is something that I’m not willing to publicly get into completely because in the grand scheme of things, he was a part of my work family. And my work family is bigger than just him and me and I cannot say anything to hurt or offend or put any undue emotion on anyone else. B.J.’s passing I think is one that I still haven’t fully grasped. I’m mad at myself for a lot of reasons in regards to him. I know with all of these things it’s easy to sit and scratch your head and say “how in the heck is this girl grateful for closure when she has none regarding all these issues in her life?” Here’s how.

Closure is the light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. This is a really, REALLY personal peek behind my brains curtain from yesterday. There was a big KKITM photo shoot yesterday. The cast did their pics first. Ever since DISH Nation became a part of the KKITM day, I’ve not been an official part of the cast. I have no links on the kiddnation site. I was not included in the cast photo shoot. After the cast finished, the support staff all went for one big group photo. It was quick and painless. I wear two rubber bracelets on my right wrist without fail. My Ethan and Rolando bracelet and the bracelet from the golf tournament Kidd was at when he passed away. I also had on my survivor band for Brain Tumor Awareness Month, which is in May, BTW. I get home and start taking my stuff off at my bathroom sink. I don’t know if I was a little aggressive with it or if it’s just been put on and taken off so many times, but my Who Dat golf tournament bracelet broke. One the day of the first cast photo shoot I was not a part of in probably 10 years. Maybe it was a coincidence, or maybe it was Kidd’s way of giving me what this whole blog is about. And what I’m telling you that I’ve learned to be grateful for.

Closure.