I’m really about to buckle down and start figuring out the
process of publishing a book. Why not, right? I’ve got stories, experiences,
lessons, thoughts, and stuff to tell. Maybe someone will read it. In an effort
to get that going, blogging will become more of a priority to me. I always get
such a good response with posts I should do it more often anyway. I’m thinking
maybe a theme day once or twice a week just to keep some train of thought
going. I’m open to ideas and suggestions, so feel free to share them. I’m going
to start doing Thursday blogs on something I’m grateful for. I’m not your
typical “I’m thankful for the sky” thinker, so this might get interesting.
One thing I’ve noticed lately is that I’m a little over
Facebook. Not the idea. I love reading posts that are original and funny or
thought provoking or give some insight into someone’s life, but now it’s so
full of ads and viral videos that I don’t care to see 700 times a day that it’s
just wasted on me. So some days I just look at the pages of people I care about
and that’s about the extent of it. You see that Facebook asks you how you’re
feeling today or right now or whatever and most times, at least from my
recently cut into memory, it’s all a bunch of bad stuff. I totally understand.
You are reading the words of a girl who came home on Tuesday and had a meltdown
that might eclipse any meltdown I’ve had in a few years. And I’ve had some
pretty big meltdowns over the past few months.
This blog is not going to be a rehash of everything that has
gone wrong in my world over the past how ever many months. A brain tumor,
surgery, and several deaths. It’s sucked. For the longest time I had a note on
my mirror that had a quote from a radio veteran from here in the DFW area. Her
name is Sammi G and I went to do an interview on her Fishbowl Radio Network one
day. We got to talking after I was done and she said one thing that really
stood out to me “Be grateful. You’re still standing.”
What did I do? What every rational human does. I got a dry
erase marker and wrote it on my bathroom mirror. I’m gonna tell you…if this
isn’t something that you do…write notes to yourself on your mirror…you should.
Reminders, inspirational quotes….whatever. It’s pretty genius if you ask me.
On Tuesday somewhere mid-meltdown day, I erased that message
and wrote a new one. I’ve been such a firm believer in the idea of “You get
what you give” for so long. You give 100% to something, you get that back. I’ve
figured out that my thought process is great in theory, but the reality of it
is untrue. You can’t make anyone give anything they’re unwilling or unable to
give. My male feline son, for example. I cannot make him produce a gallon of
milk right now. I, on the other hand, under the right circumstances, could. Our
ability to give isn’t balanced AT ALL. My way of thinking is the way that I
believe that life should be in the way of relationships and jobs, but
unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. Most of us work our asses
off every single day and should be millionaires. We aren’t. But we still go to
work everyday and bust our butts everyday. Back to the point. I erased my “Be
grateful you’re still standing” and replaced that with “”Give what you get.”
In theory, that sounds awesome. So tough and rigid and like
I’m finally growing a backbone. In reality, my non-milk producing feline son is
laying on my arm, causing it to go numb as all I want to do is type. He snores,
he drools, he bites. He gives me very little in return other than an occasional
head butt when he sees that I need some kind of sign of affection. It doesn’t
even out, but that’s what he can do. I accept him for what he’s capable of. I
love him like he came out of me. Thank goodness he didn’t because I’d probably
still be peeing hairballs. 9 years later. You get the idea, though.
This is going somewhere. I promise. I ‘m just trying to give
some background as to the odd thing I’m showing gratitude for today. Coming to
accept the reality of giving what you get. It’s never going to happen. It’s not
me. We live in a selfish, effed up world where there are so few thoughtful,
trustworthy people left, it’s scary. When the amount of people I’ve cleansed
out of my life over the past however long is far higher than the amount of
people left standing in it, that says a lot. Either about me, my values in the
people I want in my life, or the people I know. But it does all come down to
one thing. And that thing is what I’m grateful for today.
Closure.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’ve experienced
the closure I’ve needed in parts of my life and that my world is better for it.
I’ve not. I was really on the right path to doing that when this whole brain
tumor happened. Then there was the surgery and now the recovery. It’s kind of
hard to move mountains when you can’t lift over 30lbs. But I still have my eyes
set on the goal. Closure of certain chapters of my life for the sake of
beginning new ones. Necessary closures that have been dragged out for way too
long.
I’ve thought a lot about my love (or maybe obsession) with
Tegan and Sara. I liked their song “Walking With a Ghost.” I knew the words and
would sing along to it. But then Heartthrob came out and it was like a big slap
in my face. A lot of their words reference relationship stuff, but I see it as
a broader base type thing. Maybe yes, still relationship, but relationships beyond
the person you kiss goodnight and fall asleep with. Maybe your family or
friends or whatever. I can just do a couple of song titles and I think you
might understand “How Come You Don’t Want Me.” “Now I’m All Messed Up.” “I Run Empty.”
All about those things or those people in your life that just suck the life and
energy out of you until you’re defeated. Then you’re tossed aside like you have
nothing to give because, at least in that area of your life, you don’t.
I guess it’s one of those 7 or 8 or 12 step realization
things when this happens. You feel mad, sad, go into denial, blame someone,
guilt…whatever. Feel those things because it’s better to just go ahead and get
them out of the way now so they don’t come back and haunt you 9 years later. There’s
something that’s really easy to forget in this process, though, and that’s the
fact that any kind of relationship or partnership takes two sides to make it
work. The boss has to reinforce you with rewards, raises, bonuses, and
paychecks when you loyally do your job well day after day, year after year.
Your significant other deserves the same “thinking of you” text during the day
that you believe you deserve. Family is a weird thing. You cannot choose your
family. You’re just born into it. So it’s kind of on the older members of your
family to make sure that it’s a loving, healthy environment you’re brought
into. You cannot sacrifice your soul to spend holidays with a house full of
alcoholics or meth addicts or child abusers or whatever the case may be. It’s
unfair and will eat you alive if you let it. So why should you give
yourself…your sanity and your well being…if they’re willing to give none of
that in return? You shouldn’t! While it sucks, there’s a point where you say
OK, well, I tried. I see that these people are unwilling to make the changes
necessary to keep me in their lives and therefore I have to walk away.
Closure.
I need to look back into grief counseling because I need to
deal with the losses in my life. Ethan still haunts me. That’s been a blog
topic since it happened, so I won’t get into it again. Kidd’s passing is
something that I’m not willing to publicly get into completely because in the
grand scheme of things, he was a part of my work family. And my work family is
bigger than just him and me and I cannot say anything to hurt or offend or put
any undue emotion on anyone else. B.J.’s passing I think is one that I still
haven’t fully grasped. I’m mad at myself for a lot of reasons in regards to
him. I know with all of these things it’s easy to sit and scratch your head and
say “how in the heck is this girl grateful for closure when she has none
regarding all these issues in her life?” Here’s how.
Closure is the light at the end of the tunnel for me right
now. This is a really, REALLY personal peek behind my brains curtain from
yesterday. There was a big KKITM photo shoot yesterday. The cast did their pics
first. Ever since DISH Nation became a part of the KKITM day, I’ve not been an
official part of the cast. I have no links on the kiddnation site. I was not
included in the cast photo shoot. After the cast finished, the support staff
all went for one big group photo. It was quick and painless. I wear two rubber
bracelets on my right wrist without fail. My Ethan and Rolando bracelet and the
bracelet from the golf tournament Kidd was at when he passed away. I also had
on my survivor band for Brain Tumor Awareness Month, which is in May, BTW. I
get home and start taking my stuff off at my bathroom sink. I don’t know if I
was a little aggressive with it or if it’s just been put on and taken off so
many times, but my Who Dat golf tournament bracelet broke. One the day of the
first cast photo shoot I was not a part of in probably 10 years. Maybe it was a
coincidence, or maybe it was Kidd’s way of giving me what this whole blog is
about. And what I’m telling you that I’ve learned to be grateful for.
