No more living a lie

I feel like I’ve been living a lie for a little over a month now, but I did it for my own sanity. I also did it in hopes that my current reality would change, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

After a long time and having built a family of people I love so much, my relationship has come to an end.

Break ups can be emotionally filled and, on my end, this one has been. I feel like I have failed so many people that I care about and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. I know what I would do differently in the future, but that doesn’t change anything from the past.

There’s no right way to have a break up when there are kids involved, so we did it the best we knew how. I hope that it was easier for them than it has been me.

Being my age and living in your parents spare bedroom is a tough pill to swallow. But we do what we have to in hopes that it turns out for the best, right?

There could be fingers pointed and stuff said, but it’s not worth the hurt. Why would I intentionally damage the people who have been my world for almost three years? I take plenty of the blame myself. Hindsight really is 20/20, but looking in reverse doesn’t do much when you’re trying to move forward.

I am still crazy about the people I have loved so much and I am truly grateful to have had what I did. It taught me love that I didn’t know I was capable of. It has also dealt a loss that I cannot begin to describe.

So, if you see me around and my face is pink and puffy, chances are you caught me right after a meltdown. We do the best we can, but sometimes it seems like we fall short, right? I know that I’m dreading anyone asking where my GF is at the company Christmas party on Saturday. I’ve tried my hardest to keep things to myself in an effort to preserve hope. Hope that maybe time and distance would allow some healing to happen. Hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that one’s not always true.

Now I write this in the interest of self-preservation. For everyone who has heard stories about my kids and my family and would usually ask how everyone is doing, please don’t. Please don’t say any unkind words about anyone involved, either, because I care very deeply for them and no unkind words are needed. Sometimes the best journeys take unexpected turns and it’s hard to get back on course. Sometimes you get lost and you don’t find your way back. It sucks, but that’s just how it goes.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last. I do know that it’s gotten harder and harder as the time has passed. Losing the four people you saw every single day and kissed, hugged, and covered up every night is painful beyond words. My hope at this point is that the kids all know how much I love them and that know that my failures as a grown up don’t reflect them at all. IT doesn’t change the fact that I love them dearly. They deserve the world and if I couldn’t be a part of their completed puzzle, I hope that it all comes together soon.

So, now what? I honestly have no idea. Thank goodness my mom and dad have a twin-sized bed in the spare room. And thank goodness my nephew moved out the week before I moved in. I keep hoping that I will wake up to see that this was just a bad dream, but I guess I must be in a sleep coma.

That’s really all I’m willing to say about that. Now I need to go and wash my face again.

I hope you're not sick of my music talk

Daya- “Talk”

“They’re all gonna say what they wanna say, anyway…so might as well give ‘em something to talk about.”

https://youtu.be/6FeJVuyie1U

I posted about this song over the weekend because I had it on repeat in my car. This whole album is full of songs that are worth putting on repeat and exhausting. Daya is one of those people who is easily one of my favorites, but if you were to ask me my faves, I would manage to totally blank and leave her off the list. I don’t remember what she looks like, but I see a less rebellious Halsey in my head. I know I could Google image the name, but I don’t care to. Do yourself a favor and BUY THIS ALBUM. No I’m not getting paid or free stuff for saying this. I just love the album that much.

Charlie Puth- “Does It Feel”

https://youtu.be/1Fgzc8nyWr4

Another artist who can do no wrong. Everything he does is something I love. It makes me wonder, though…how much heartache has this guy gone through? And how does he take a broken heart and turn it into this? You want to feel awful for him, but your head just bobs up and down instead. It’s almost confusing.

Zara Larsson- “I Would Like”

https://youtu.be/wi0IzqkfBwk

I love Zara Larsson. I sent an artist request for her before her song “Never Forget You” made it big on the radio. I didn’t get a response, but I tried. She’s got another song called “Ain’t My Fault” that’s pretty great, too.

The Chainsmokers ft. XYLO- “Setting Fires”

https://youtu.be/v6IAJOOmDMg

The Chainsmokers must be the biggest group of the year. Think about being an upcoming artist and being asked to be on one of their songs! It makes me wonder about their live show, though. It would be pure awesome if all of their guest singers were there with them. I don’t like a lot of electronic music, but come on. The Chainsmokers are above and beyond anyone else in the business.

Bruno Mars- “Versace On The Floor”

https://youtu.be/d2UZlwTDGbY

Maybe I’m crazy, but I think I hear a little bit of “It Will Rain” in this song. I was hoping for a new “Gorilla” type song, but it’s not. Still great, though. I’m pumped about Bruno Mars going on tour next year. Can you even imagine how an arena show for his headlining tour would be? He puts on a show!

Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani, and another person- “Hair Up”

https://youtu.be/fM4GVy120xM

How in the world does a song about Troll hair sound cool like this? I don’t get it. Justin Timberlake and Gwen Stefani together is like the ultimate in coolness. I actually want to see this movie and I never had a Troll doll or liked Trolls. I just love Anna Kendrick and J.T.

Drake White- “Livin’ The Dream”

This song is one you hear on country radio all the time and I’ll admit this. I turn it up every time I hear it still and I’ve probably heard it about 100 times. I bought the song on iTunes, so that’s usually where I hear it. I don’t want to have a space on the wall for last year’s deer, but the general idea is one that I love.

https://youtu.be/f9li3iW25vU

Another political rant, but this one is special because it's MINE

WOW. I fell asleep last night before they announced the winner of the election. I woke up and saw it first thing, though. I. AM. SHOCKED.

I voted for Hillary. It was a no brainer in my mind. I know she had her issues, however, she was the best choice for me. I voted Republican for several local offices. I cannot understand how anyone could feel good about a vote for Donald Trump. He is a man who has been able to buy his way out of any troubles he’s ever had. I can’t even afford to make two car payments in a month. How will Donald Trump ever truly relate to the common man? He hasn’t lived the life of a normal person. This isn’t an episode of Undercover Boss. This is the reality we have made for ourselves.

Let’s hope that he looks at his wife and sees that she emigrated to the U.S. from Slovenia before he decides to come down too hard on other immigrants. I know that being here illegally is wrong, but here’s something else I know. I drove by a day labor pickup spot yesterday and it had men standing and waiting for their chance to work. To earn money and support themselves. That’s more than I can say for a lot of citizens who sit back and live off of their check from the government. I understand and support those who truly need and deserve assistance. I’m talking about the people who feel no responsibility to step up and take care of themselves.

My mind is going a million miles an hour. It’s hard to get it all down.

How can anyone with a son watch this man and feel like he’s the right choice? Wouldn’t you want to just slap your son in the mouth if he made some of the comments that Trump has made? If your son was accused of taking advantage of his power and thinking he’s God’s gift to women, would you support him? I sure wouldn’t. I would love him, but I wouldn’t be OK with it. I’m certainly not OK with the most powerful leader in the free world being that way.

They have been LOOKING HARD for any excuse to indict Hillary. You better believe that if she had done something…anything…big enough to justify it, they would’ve brought her down. They didn’t though. FOX News even had to apologize for reporting that she was in trouble for more scandal when she wasn’t. Irresponsible and sickening.

I am offended at the highest level by any comment of Hillary being “just as bad” as Trump. Donald Trump allegedly violated people while he looked them in the eyes. He criticized people who made lots of money for him. He has few human morals. I wish I could say that no one gets insanely rich by valuing the people who helped them get there, but then I see people like Mark Cuban who make me think otherwise.

I didn’t vote for Hillary because she’s a woman. I voted for her because she holds many of the same values I do. I said MANY…not all. You don’t treat people like they are lesser than you. How can anyone go on the web and see montage after montage of Trump’s lies and smug looks and lack of a case and be OK with him? He is like a third grade boy. When something anti-Trump would arise in a debate or whatever, I was pretty much waiting for “I know you are, but what am I?” as a response.

If he can cheat on his wives, he can cheat on anything else. And he can hide behind his money when he does it. Money that he has made…I promise you this…by employing immigrant workers. The same people he will condemn once he takes office.

I can’t even think about what this means for equal marriage rights. I don’t understand how anyone could be against two people who love each other wanting the same rights as everybody else. There’s nothing wrong with me as a person. I am capable of just as much as any heterosexual person I know. I am capable and even more worthy of a marriage than most heterosexual people I know. It’s a shame that I might never get to exercise that right.

After this, would anyone be surprised if Snooki and J-Woww won the next election? I would honestly feel better about them being our elected leaders than I do Trump. At least they didn’t get off on telling people that they’re fired.

I have looked through Facebook and a lot of people are worried about how to explain this terror to their kids. I saw this link to a Huffington Post article addressing that. You should look at the entire site, though, to get a feel for things. I am horrified.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

On the up side, the Trump win does give us the power to unite. We as a country can band together and keep it together. We have to have confidence in our other elected officials to keep this man in check. Instead of not liking each other because of who we voted for, we can see each other as people who have rights. Rights than generations before us fought hard to ensure for us. Let’s not allow this one bigot to come in and deny anything.

Let’s not act like this is the apocalypse because it’s not. Teach your kids the same things you taught them yesterday. Teach them to value people as people regardless of what you see on the outside. This man cannot take the gays and put us all on a farm in the middle of Nevada. He can’t just decide to get rid of NAFTA. He can teach hate, though, if we allow it. SO DON’T.

I voted, though, so I feel like I have a right to be bothered by these results. If you didn’t find the time to exercise your right to vote yesterday or in early voting, you really have no room to say a word. Inaction is just as powerful as action at times. Your vote counted and if you didn’t recognize that power, you shouldn’t say a word.