More on the hate thing and the anniversary of Ethan

Man, I have a lot of stuff that I need to get off my chest. I’m going to probably make people mad (as proven by my post a couple weeks ago on FB). I have stuff to say about SCOTUS making gay marriage legal and the things that have been said since. It really sucks when I’m told to take my post down because others might disagree with it. That’s the beauty of everyone having their own social media pages and the ability to look at what others post. If they disagree, they can move on like normal people and see that that’s the beauty of intelligence. We are meant to differ in opinions. Hating someone because of a difference in opinion is a different story.

I was called a hypocrite when I posted this:

The words of the Texas Attorney General. My interpretation is that love denounces the Constitution and the value of family. I would rather have a family made of loving people filled with acceptance than one made of straight bigots. Hate is a repulsive quality.

This was in response to the Texas Attorney General saying that the allowance of gay marriage was the beginning of the dilution of marriage. It was preceded by words about religion and sin and family values that made me feel utter disgust. Not hate, but disgust. All that I can assume is that those who were so hell bent on hating me for what I said don’t know the definition of the word bigot. Well, here it is.

Bigot: a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion.

Now, if my saying that hate is a repulsive quality makes me a bigot towards haters, then so be it. I’m ok with that. However, I take issue with the way that a lot of people have handled this issue. I’m not stupid enough to think that God wrote the Bible. If you took my comment about that on my post literally, then I understand why you’re likely pissed about what I said and I will mail you a dictionary. I’m not a horribly religious person. I NEED to believe in a higher power for my sanity. I do not believe that all of my actions are being judged by that higher power and that the rules of however many thousands of years ago should apply today. That’s insanity in my opinion. Too rigid.

Here’s my thing. I know how I am. I am not afraid to sit here and tell you that I have felt the way that I do regarding sexuality since I was little. It’s not a trend or a choice, so if you think that it’s like a light switch or that it’s one of those things that we can just take or leave, you’re wrong. I cannot speak for others. I cannot explain people who claim to be bisexual. I speak for me. So it’s hard for me to sit back and be hated by those who go to church every Sunday and say, “love one another for we are all His creatures…” and then find a reason to not accept me. What about the adulterer to your right? Or the child molester you had dinner with last weekend, but you don’t want to rock the family boat by turning him in? Why are they more acceptable than me? Isn’t that a bigger issue than who I fall asleep with at night? I’m not a pervert. I would never do anything wrong to another person. So why hold me in lower regard than you do the person who should be in prison right now? I don’t understand.

I heard a recording of a sermon yesterday of a preacher who I know tried really hard to get it right. He was saying not to hate us gays and not to be mad at the Supreme Court because God’s children shouldn’t carry anger. He said he welcomed the LGBT community to worship there on Sunday’s, but that the church would not marry same sex couples. But keep coming to church, please. Keep giving 10% of your earnings so they can keep the latest big screens and the best sound systems. But if you want to have the same rights as that straight couple beside you by getting married, go somewhere else. Goodness knows what they do when they leave church. Maybe they run a non-profit charity. Maybe they rob non-profits. Who knows. Regardless, it’s not fair to deny any of us the right to live and express human emotion based on gender.

I’ll admit that I was a little worried when the courts were flooded with same sex couples getting married as soon as it was legal. I hope that we are taking this seriously and not just getting married to prove a point. It’s a commitment to be taken seriously, so let’s do so. It’s a serious right to be given and a big one to be denied. Why it’s more acceptable in some people’s eyes for the man or woman who has cheated and destroyed their past three marriages to get married again while it’s unacceptable for me to not get married once is beyond me. All I can explain is myself, though. I can just pray that hate and stupidity is not genetic and I can teach love and acceptance as much as I know how. I can practice tolerance until I’m blue in the face, even if those I tolerate don’t really deserve it. We all have enough of our own problems as it is, so why take it upon ourselves to make whom others love one of those problems, too? It makes no sense! I’m sure there are many other reasons to dislike me. Legitimate ones. So pick one of those, please.

Now, totally switching gears. Monday is July 13. The 4-year mark of my nephew, Ethan Pacheco, drowning. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about it. Still. If you didn’t keep up with me back then, here’s the background. He was my life. I picked him up every chance I got. I drove my sister to the hospital when she went into labor. That baby was like my own child. He taught me to be OK with sweat, tears, and snot other than my own. He taught me that it was time to calm down and enjoy life for what it is. Take in the little things like bubble lawn mowers, sunflowers on the nature trail, kids Lo Mein at Pei Wei, Hot Wheels, a good beat in a song, sneaking food and drinks mom and dad didn’t allow, the dollar section at Target, and endless hugs and kisses.

I could go on and on about him and the times we had together, but it hurts still. I could talk about my sister calling and telling me about the accident, but that hurts. I still remember the touch of his skin on my lips when I got to the hospital. I have never felt that pain before in my life and it’s still somewhat there. It’s weird still not knowing how to handle Mother’s Day and Father’s Day with my sister and brother in law because of the loss of Ethan. They have Jake now, which is the biggest blessing. I know they have a void still, though. I bought Jake a shirt that says “World’s Best Brother,” and I wonder if that was a good or bad idea. I said earlier that I need to believe in a higher power and this is why. For my Ethan. I need to believe that he’s in a great place, looking down on his mom and dad and that he’s seen his baby brother and he watches over them because I can’t. They are in Maui and I’m in Texas, so that makes it hard. I need to know that Ethan feels no pain and that he knows I’m thinking about him and I haven’t gone to Pei Wei since we lost him. That was what we did. It seems pretty pointless to go when the manager isn’t running around when we walk in to get his chair all fixed up.

I guess time does make it easier. For a while I didn’t get out of bed and now I’m here at work. Life does go on and I feel like life is great. I do worry, though, that maybe Ethan isn’t always listening now when I talk to him. I still talk to him a lot. His mommy, daddy, and brother are in Hawaii, so maybe he spends a lot of time listening there. That’s OK. He should be focusing his attention on his family. As long as he knows that his Aunt Shanon still loves him so, so much and will be going to a nature trail to walk and share stories with Meagan about him.

I think it’s kind of funny that this blog is about these two things. It sort of goes to show that maybe we should take a step back every now and then and shut up. Quit worrying about everybody else’s this and that and stop making issues where there are none. What difference does it make if I’m married or not? What difference does it make if I’m married to a man or woman? Seriously? How does that affect you? Put all of your religious arguments aside and tell me…how does it affect your life? Is it worth giving up the energy that could be going into someone or something that IS important? You really and truly do not have another moment promised to you. I learned that the hard way with my Ethan and there’s ONE THING I thank God for with that. I didn’t take a single minute for granted with him. Sort out your nonsense and soak up what matters. Believe me. If today was your last day and your last thought was one about the legalization of gay marriage, I promise you you’d feel cheated. Make it count.

While you’re making your thoughts count, will you please say a little prayer for Emma Elizondo and her family? She is just not doing well. She’s back in the hospital with some serious issues and could use some serious prayer warriors. Good thoughts put into the universe would be awesome. Thank you so much…