Welcome to the inside of my head for a few minutes

Just in case you’ve ever once wondered what it’s like to live inside of my head for a few minutes, here’s your answer. These are the things that consume WAY too much of my brain space and time. Maybe if I share these things with you I can finally quit thinking about them already.

-          How are the creators of Paw Patrol not more wealthy than Bill Gates or the Amazon guy? These people are friggin’ geniuses. They made the first series of Paw Patrol characters and probably got rich off of that. But then they made toys of the same characters in different rescue situations. And what kid is willing to use just their plain old Paw Patrol Chase action figure in a jungle rescue situation? Or how can Chase possibly help in a fire if he’s wearing his police clothes instead of a fire fighter outfit? They have regular action figures, mini action figures, pirate Paw Patrol, Police Paw Patrol,  Fire Paw Patrol, Sea Patrol, Ultimate Mighty Pups…there are probably more, but that’s all I can think of right now. If the people who created this show aren’t literally making it rain when the basket comes around in church on Sunday mornings, there’s something wrong with their contracts.

-          I used to be upset about the fact that I have fat feet, but recently I decided that those of us with fat feet are evolutionary superior to people with skinny feet. Who’s less likely to trip and fall when they’re running away from a Jurassic Park type of situation? The fat footed population. So, if you have fat feet like me, don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed because we are way more likely to escape in a dinosaur chase than skinny footed people.

-          Birds seem like they must be smart creatures. They fly in formation. They can fly around to find food and then find their nest again. Has anyone ever thought about finding a way to potty train birds so that they poop places other than on your car? Or is it a conspiracy among the car wash companies to keep birds forever untrained and pooping all over my car within 5 seconds of getting it washed?

-          How does Cookie Monster destroy things with his mouth when he doesn’t have teeth? He doesn’t even have a tongue! So how can he take a DVD and crumble it up with his mouth? It makes no sense and I wish that the creators of Sesame Street would’ve thought this through a little bit more before throwing all kinds of stuff in Cookie Monster’s mouth to have him unrealistically tear it all up.

-          There are a few words that I can’t seem to ever spell right no matter how many times I try. Medieval makes NO sense to me. Why is there a random “I” in the middle of the word? Pursue should be persue in my head. It sounds more correct, doesn’t it? License is another one. I can never remember which comes first…the “s” or the “c.” Embarrassed is another. Why the need for two “R’s?” Does anyone else have problems with these words?

On a side note, I did something very adult over the weekend. I bought my very own washer and dryer set! I’ve had one before, but I sold it. I’ve been renting a set for over a year now and it finally dawned on me that I’m spending money on another thing I’d never own. So, I went on Saturday evening to find my perfect match washer and dryer. I went to the register with such pride in my adulating skills! That’s when it happened. The man who was going to ring me up asked me if I was sure if this set would fit because it’s bigger than most. Without hesitation I replied “YES!” But then I realized that I had measured the spaces last weekend and failed to write the measurements down, so I actually didn’t know if they would fit. So I told the guy what I just realized and he was kind enough to put the set on hold for me until yesterday. That way I could go home and measure to make sure I wasn’t buying stuff that wouldn’t fit in my laundry area. I felt like I was doing some kind of walk of shame when I went back into that store to tell the guy I was wrong and that the pair wouldn’t fit. It was so pretty. It was so grown up. And just like that my adulating pride disappeared. I did, however, find a set that I like that will fit in my laundry area. It’s being delivered on Wednesday. I’m pretty pumped to be an official washer and dryer owner again.

I’ve been working out pretty consistently again, which makes me feel so much better about every part of life. I’ve also found that I’m easily swayed to buy things that are ads on Instagram. Well, Ezekiel Elliott posted a pic of this sports drink that he uses just because he felt like it one day. It wasn’t a paid ad or anything. So, I figured if it helps Zeke become a ProBowler, it could probably really help me step up my cardio and workout game. So, I ordered it. The stuff is called BioSteel and, so far, I like it. I also bought this BioSteel fruit and veggie supplement. It’s supposed to give you the daily serving of both needed to be healthy. It said that it tastes like pineapple and coconut. I tried it for the first time yesterday and I didn’t taste any sign of pineapple or coconut. But this stuff wasn’t cheap, so I will finish the bucket. It’s SO BAD though. I had to drink it like a shot. Exhale, suck it down, and then inhale after it’s gone. The Blue Raspberry sports drink is amazing and delicious, but the super food mix stuff isn’t. Hopefully it works, though.

Another thing that I bought off of Instagram was the rubber spider in the wooden box. The premise is to tell someone to open the box and then watch their reaction when the spider pops up out of the box. It was intended to be part of a white elephant gift, but it didn’t get to my apartment from China until last week. I couldn’t bear the thought of keeping it a whole year, so I decided to try it on my 4-year old nephew, Jake. If you’ve not already seen this video you definitely should go to my Facebook page and check it out. I was laughing hysterically through the guilt I felt as he sat there and cried tears of terror. Yes, I did that. I made my nephew cry for my own little laugh. Would I do it again if I knew how he would react ahead of time? As much as I laugh every single time I watch it back, I’m ashamed to say that yes…I probably would. If you’ve not seen the video, here’s a link.

https://www.facebook.com/PsychoShanon/videos/10157001970744414/

Anyway, if you’re anything like me your brain is probably exhausted from my rambling at this point. I’ll let you off the hook now and say thanks for reading. And have a good day. And don’t download Tetris on your phone unless you have time to be addicted to something completely stupid. And I’m 99% sure that the air conditioning in our office is turned on even though we have some kind of arctic blast in town. Holy hell this sucks! I’ve got on jeans, a hoodie, a coat, and a blanket and I’m still shivering. That’s not ok!

Oh, and one more thing. If you don’t follow El Arroyo’s Austin on Instagram, you’re missing out on amazingness. It’s become a bucket list item of mine to meet the person who comes up with their signs. I love their mind.

Bye. For real this time.

Do NOT make eye contact with the Girl Scout

Do not make eye contact with the Girl Scout. It’s cookie season again. To Girl Scout cookie lovers that’s a great thing. I’m not a GS cookie lover, though. So it’s terribly awkward when I have to reject their sales pitch or try to avoid any eye contact with them coming into AND out of a store. It’s kind of like the Salvation Army Bell Ringers. I DO donate to them, but I do it once. I’ll put a $10 or $20 bill in the bucket one time a season. I would be homeless and have my car repossessed if I did this with every bell ringer I saw.  But one bell ringer doesn’t know that I’ve already donated to another, so I feel like I should avoid eye contact with them, too. I might as well live in a Bird Box world from like the end of November until after GS cookie season.

I feel even worse when you’re at a register paying for something and they ask you to donate to whatever cause on the screen. And you hit yes or no so that the cashier can adjust your total. I just know that they are thinking I’m a horrible person if I don’t donate every time. I don’t, though, and I’m willing to deal with their thoughts.

It’s been a week now and yes. I’m still waiting patiently for my “more” that I talked about before. I had a funny conversation with my 4-year old nephew, Jake, the other day, though. He basically wants me to move in with his family and sleep on their couch. He tells me that I can save my money that way. It’s a sweet thought, but it just wouldn’t work. Anyway, the other night I had to drop him off at home. I was telling him goodbye and giving him kisses and stuff when he asked me why I had to go home. I explained to him that I needed to shower and get ready for bed and stuff. Then he asked me why I sleep alone at night. What do you even say to that? So, I stumbled my way through an explanation of why I sleep alone at night and then he offered a suggestion. He said that I should buy a book to put in my room and then I wouldn’t be alone. He makes a good point, right? Sort of?

I love the fact that he’s sweet enough to think about me and want me to have people around and save my money. At the same time, though, I don’t know what to say to the things that come out of his mouth. I’m sure I’ll figure it out at some point, but for now I’ll just keep reading my books about how to handle kids and hope that something sticks in my brain.

I did sign up for an online dating site for a day last week. I was curious about the types of people I would see on there, but I was over it in about 30 minutes. You can’t just get on there and look at people’s profiles, so I answered like 800 questions about myself and then I clicked on whatever button to see my matches. Holy crap. Maybe I don’t know myself at all or something. If this site really has matched up so many people, then they must know what they’re doing, right? Not in my world! And don’t go looking and swiping any direction when you don’t know what you’re doing. I thought I was just swiping to see the next person, but apparently I was swiping and telling people that I wanted to meet them. Like I said, though, my interest in this lasted for about half an hour. I tried to delete my profile after that, but you have to wait 24 hours. So I did and now it’s gone.

Just a couple of random observations.

I drove by a dentist office in the rich neighborhood. Most places say Dr. _____, DDS. This place had a sign that said “Dental Art.” I don’t want to sound too judgy, but what is that? And is it covered by insurance?

I go to the Sam’s Club on the weekend and see lines and lines of people. I almost feel like I’m a stealer for doing Scan and Go instead of standing in line like they do. Why don’t people take advantage of this amazing, time saving app? (This is my honest to God observation. Sam’s Club doesn’t even know I exist, so they’re not paying me).

I’m thinking about making dance my hobby. Not like fancy classical dance. I’m talking dance you would do to Beyonce’s “Formation” or Nicki Minaj “Good Form.” I have no rhythm and I know no moves, but I see that dancers in videos wear Vans and shirts that are cut off right below the boob. Step one is go home and cut a shirt. I’ll let you know what step 2 is after it happens.

Oh, I got flipped off last week! Some lady was driving her fancy ass Audi on the road. I needed to turn right at the next light, so I turned on my blinker to get over into the right lane. Apparently the lady in the Audi didn’t want me in front of her because she then proceeded to get into the left lane, stop where she knew I could see her, and flip me off. Then we had to sit through the red light together. Why? I didn’t do anything wrong, so why was she so mad at me? I just waved to her.

Speaking of Nicki Minaj “Good Form…” Here are a few song recommendations that I think you should have on your workout playlist. If you don’t, you’re missing out.

Drake- Nonstop

Lil Wayne- Uproar

Nicki Minaj- Good Form

Post Malone- Wow

Kid Cudi- Pursuit of Happiness (Steve Aoki Remix)

A$AP Rocky- Effing Problem

Jay Z- Onto the Next One

Kanye West- Theraflu

Kanye West- I Love It

Big Sean & Ellie Goulding- You Don’t Know

A$AP Rocky feat Skrillex- Wild for the Night

I know I love rap. If you don’t like my list, don’t download the songs! But don’t go knocking my stuff, either.

I feel like I should also offer some wise words of advice or something. You know. Because I’m so good at life, right?

-          Short term suck is worth long time not suck (so make the changes you need in your life to be happy)

-          Don’t trust the automatic gas shut off thing on the gas pump. It didn’t work for me yesterday and it could’ve been nasty!

-          Read the prompts on the credit/debit card thingy at the store. They’re all different and one mistake can cost you like 10 swipes. This happened to me at Academy over the weekend.

-          Stolen from Olivia Pope- If you leap and you try and it doesn’t work out, it’s not on you. (You can’t always fix what’s broken. Sometimes it’s better for everyone if you accept the broken and move on in life)

I would really like to be able to rock a rock n roll t-shirt in 2019. Add that to the short term bucket list.

Everyone should make cheese at home at least once in their life. I made vegan mozzarella over the weekend and I feel truly accomplished.

If you need a delicious, quick meal to eat on nights when cooking isn’t an option, try this meal prep idea.

--------Quinoa, corn, black beans, and sweet red, orange, and yellow bell pepper. Mix it all together and heat up. Then go to the Mexican area of the refrigerated area by the cheese. They sell uncooked tortillas here. Get them and be ready for your life to be forever changed. Add quinoa and other stuff to a tortilla after you cook it. Enjoy!

I just saw the saddest thing ever and I need it. It’s a book called “Microwave Cooking for One.” Welcome to my life.

I totally had something else I wanted to tell you about, but I forgot what it was and I failed to make a note of it in my phone before I forgot. Damn it.

I’m really excited about the Bachelor coming on tonight. I had fun commenting on it last week. I think I felt validated when you guys commented back and agreed with me. So I’m gonna do that again tonight and, hopefully, feel all validated when I go to bed tonight.

I guess that’s all for now. It’s freaking freezing in this office and someone got a little too excited with their perfume sprays today. Someone else is blowing their nose and it’s really loud and dry sounding. I can’t think like this!

How long will I be dead before someone figures it out and finds me?

There are lots of mommy blogs out there. There are fashion blogs, fitness blogs, gossip blogs…the list goes on for days. Is there a “losers” blog, though? One that focuses on the discontent of being in your 30’s, living alone, having no kids, no relationship, and truly wondering how long you would be dead in your apartment before anyone found you. That is me. I am that person and it’s caused me absolute panic lately.

I want to believe in karma. I really do. I want to believe that it works for good people and not so good ones. I also want to believe that the karma I would receive would be the good kind, but I’m not seeing much evidence of that. I’m not going to sit here and type out a bunch of whoa is me crap because nobody wants to hear about all that. And someone always has it worse than we do, right?

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been lucky in many ways. I’ve not had to move around for my job. I’ve been able to pursue a career in something I’m passionate about and dreamed of doing. I’ve taken that career and used it to start a little side business teaching aquatic survival skills to children. I’ve got my own apartment and car and nephews I adore. But when I’m at home alone at night, my gut feels so much discontent. I know I can’t be alone in this.

I’ve had enough health stuff happen in my life that I’m legit wondering what old me will do if I continue on this path. Who will take care of me when I’m too blind and uncoordinated to drive myself to the Walgreens to get my medicines? Who will take care of me when driving myself anywhere is no longer an option? How will I pay to live? I’ve been putting money into my 401K, but will it be enough? There are so many things filling my head. Way too many “what if’s.” But really, though, what if? I don’t have kids or a partner in life to devote myself to now, so who could I expect to devote themselves to me when life isn’t so easy?

Believe me when I say that I would never have kids or get married just so that someone will take care of me when I’m old. Never. Never. Never. I have to admit, though, that it would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders if I knew that my life was headed in that direction.

I’m a big enough loser that I make notes from TV shows or movies that I watch while I’m alone at home. It’s probably a huge waste of time, but I like to tell myself that some advice will come in handy for someone at some point. Things like “I have nothing to lose and no more time to waste.” Or “If you become your own person, he won’t be able to control you.” “You can’t change your bad choice…all you can do is not let it ruin you.” “Give the person you love what they want.” Things like this. Then I’ll try and change it up by wasting some time on social media and I walk away having done a screenshot like this from Joanna Gaines. “I’m challenging myself in this new year to live for now. The present. Taking in every breath, every sight, and sound and holding it dearly. Not thinking about how the good ol’ days have passed us by or how the best is yet to come. But that right now, this very second, this is the gift. These are the days. These are the moments. And I’m gonna breathe them all in. If there’s pain and sorrow, or happiness and hope, let it in and then let it out.” Then she continues with more words of Gaines wisdom. “I want to enjoy the now because it’s the only thing we can actually embrace. I want to hold it carefully. Hold it thoughtfully. Here’s to seeing and finding the beauty, the hope and joy in the right now in 2019. “

Joanna Gaines is such a smart woman, isn’t she? Take in the now. Breathe it all in. But what if you’re right now isn’t really worth breathing in? What if you’ve chosen to put everything else in front of your true happiness and you’re just kind of living because breathing in and out, plus sleep, water and food, allow your body to do that? What if you’re having a really hard time finding that contentment and “more” in life?

That’s where I’m at. I want to embrace and practice the wisdom of Joanna Gaines, but with what? I can’t really reach out and embrace Olivia Pope while I watch “Scandal” or Beck while I binge watch “You.” But I also can’t seem to motivate myself to get out there and find my more, either. I think part of it is fear that I’ll find my more, hold onto it for a little while, and then my more will find something better or prettier or funnier or younger. Or just die. Yes, I mean literally die.

Then I tell myself that maybe my “more” isn’t in another person, but maybe it’s in a greater cause. Then I fall back on the thinking that I’d love to share my greater cause with someone else. Then it’s a full circle mental struggle that I go through in my head with no real resolution. What am I truly meant to embrace in my life? What else should I be breathing in and when will that something else be in my life?

Then I find myself screenshotting things that have absolutely no meaning in my life, like “A woman can’t change a man because she loves him. A man changes himself because he loves her.” I know you can change the words and make this apply to me, but you get what I’m saying, right? I don’t have anyone in my life to try and change…male or female. And, honestly, I don’t want anybody in my life that I feel the need to change. I want someone I can love through their crap and who will love me through mine. I don’t want someone whose goal is to fix me. I’m not totally broken and I don’t need fixing. I just want someone to share my not totally broken self with.

So, that’s where I’m at. I live for my jobs and for my nephews, but I know that I need more. Even more importantly, I WANT more. Thank goodness I believe that the best things in life are worth waiting for, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna wait for my “more.” I’ll hope that the wait isn’t that long, but if it is, that means that the payoff will be even greater. I’m going to try and stop punishing myself for not settling at points before now. I’d rather die alone than in a miserable, loveless relationship. I’d rather wait for my happy ending alone than wait for my happy ending with what’s not meant to be.

Just know that, if you’re anything like me, that you’re not alone. Let’s try and cut ourselves some slack on what we don’t have and stay hopeful of what could be. It’s worth a shot, right?

Church Anxiety and the Life of an Aunt

Wow!!! It's been over a year since I posted on this blog. What have I been doing? What have I been doing with all of those random thoughts I used to write about all the time? Let's see if we can all get caught up real quick, shall we?

In a nutshell my life has been work, kids, and teaching at the pool. It's crazy how time consuming those three things can be. We just celebrated my nephew, Ben's, 1st birthday yesterday. It's crazy to think that he's already a year old. It seems like just yesterday that I forced my sister to watch "Girls Trip" while she was on bed rest. Was I offended when she didn't laugh at the same parts I did? Yes. Was I even more offended when I realized that she didn't really laugh one single time during the move? Probably. Did I give her a free pass because she was super pregnant and miserable? I doubt it.

My sister and her husband chose to also Baptize Ben yesterday. He was much more calm and behaved than Jake was during his Baptism. Actually this coming Saturday is Jake's 4th birthday. He's already 4! And his big brother, Ethan, would've been 10 on December 19. Double digits! That's crazy to think about.

I've been teaching lots and lots of babies aquatic self-rescue since March or so. It's been way more time consuming and difficult than I ever expected, but it's also been way more rewarding than I anticipated. Each one of those kids has their own story and requires their own personalized lesson each day. It's still crazy to me to think that anyone would give me their kiddo and trust me to teach them life saving skills, but I'm so lucky that they do. Had we taught Ethan these skills I might be talking about him turning 10 in December instead of saying that he would've been 10. 

Speaking of the nephews, my sister and I met at the rec center to start our running careers again last night. After we did the run we took the boys to the playground for a few. While we were there this boy came up to us/the boys at the slide. This child is doing some growl scream type of thing in Jake and Ben’s face. I kinda looked around for a parent to maybe step in and stop him, but I didn’t see anyone. Then the kid proceeds to climb on the slide between Jake at the top and Ben at the bottom. The kid comes a couple of inches from Ben with his foot, but what can we do? He’s not done anything “wrong,” but just a little slip of his foot and he would take Ben out. So Jake stepped in since it’s less offensive for a toddler to tell him to stop than it is for my sister or me to do it. That didn’t stop the kid, though. He continued to climb up and push Jake off of the top of the slide. I wanted to grab that kid by his hair and tell him to be nice, but I didn’t. He didn’t hurt either of the boys and no parent stepped in to tell him to calm it down, so I was just glad when he ran off and started growlscreaming at a bigger kid. I felt bad for that kid, too, but there wasn’t much I could do for her. Seriously, though…where were his parents? And as an attentive caregiver, what’s the right thing to do with this kid?

And even more nephew talk…I took Jake to the playground this part Friday, too. He’s one of those kids who loves climbing up the slide and, since it was at the part of the playground for the little kids, I let him do it. He started getting tired and got stuck in the middle of the slide. So, I decided to help him with a swift push on his bottom. Bad idea. I don’t know what happened exactly, but his arms went limp and his chin went straight into the base of the slide. Oh my GOD. I have never felt like such a piece of crap aunt ever before in my life. He didn’t cry, but he laid there on the slide for a minute with his arm covering his eyes. He uncovered his eyes and yes…there were tears there. But he shook it off and got up to play more. He’s getting big and that sucks and is really great to see all at once. Here’s a pic of him yesterday so you can see the bruise on his chin. I feel AWFUL about this.

I go and pick Jake up from school three days a week and I see all of the other kids in his class. They’re all 3 years old and they’re so little. And that’s the best, isn’t it? Kids with innocence and nothing but the potential for a bright fulfilling future ahead. Their little minds are still their own, which means so many possibilities, doesn’t it? Yes, they can annoy the crap out of you with their tantrums and asking “why” 8,000,000 times an hour. But it’s our job as the adults in their lives to let them be those annoying little people while they can still get away with it. Let them be little! Let them stay naïve and enjoy the most simple things in life while they can because they’re going to be big enough to take in every ounce of this cruel, sometimes s**t world soon enough. I’m going to hold my nephews for as long as they will let me. I will let them lay their sweaty heads on me while they nap until they finally realize how uncomfortable I am or the fact that I cannot be still. I fell like it’s my job to take these things in because they deserve people in their lives who choose to take these things in. And honestly that’s a job I’m happy to make no money at doing…even though their sweaty little heads do cause me to break out sometimes.

On a completely unrelated note…has an adult ever gotten on your nerves to the point that you legit wish bad things on them? I’m not talking really bad stuff, but just some annoyance that just won’t go away? Like the constant feel of a hair in their mouth. Or an itchy inner ear. Just something to maybe cause them to shut up and do something other than annoy you for a while? Or is this just me?

Oh, I’ve been to church two weekends in a row now. Yes, Catholic church because my brother in law’s family is really, really Catholic. So, that’s where we go! The Catholic Church. I’ll say this. If you’re gonna go to a Catholic mass and want the shorter version of it, go to the very early service. They’re saving their shtick for the later mass. And if you’re OCD like me, DO NOT DO COMMUNION. I gave into the peer pressure of going up there for the body of Christ a couple weeks ago. It’s a hard, thin piece of bread. It was given to me by someone other than Father Mike, so I panicked. Where has this guys hand been? It’s cold and flu season, so is it safe to eat this bread? I battled with this until the end of the service. I held the bread in my hand until I could dispose of it after the service. But then I felt like Jesus wouldn’t approve of that, so I sucked it up and ate the bread. I chose to skip communion this past Sunday so that I wouldn’t go into an OCD panic or offend Jesus. I feel like this was the better choice.

I won’t even waste your time talking about my feelings regarding greeting those around me…shaking hands and wishing them peace. In all honesty they could offer Catholic Immersion Classes for OCD people like me to get over our issues. They force you to face your issues over and over in an hour’s time…imagine what a full therapeutic mass treatment could do for us!

I know that I’m forgetting so many of my super important thoughts, so I’ll probably have stuff for another post next week. If I remember it. My memory really, really sucks. I used to annoy myself with my amazing memory, but now it’s just bad. Was it my surgery? Is it years and years of a lack of sleep catching up to me? Is it the fact that I’ve just gotten so much smarter lately and those smart facts are replacing memories in my brain space? Doubtful. But I’ll try to post something again without a year between.

It's finally time!!!

Well, it’s finally time! I did day 1 of my ISR training yesterday. In case you’ve not been following my obsessive posts about this, ISR is Infant Swimming Resource. It’s teaching kids between 6 months and 6 years of age how to survive in the water. Infants learn how to float on their backs until help arrives and toddlers/young kids learn to swim-float-swim.

I’ve been a strong believer in this program since I first learned about it and saw it with my own eyes. I got to witness him go from being upset and unsure about the water to being confident in and loving it. And as someone who has lost a loved one to a drowning incident, it means so much to me. The mission statement at ISR is “Not one more child drowns” and it’s my goal to try and help make this a reality.

I’ve always been a nervous person. When I was little I would vomit a lot. Every time I was anxious about something, it would surface in my stomach.  I’m pretty sure I chased my mom’s car down the street when she tried to drop me off at school once. Not really knowing what I’m doing and what to expect don’t sit well with me.

That was the case yesterday. I’ve been SO excited to do this training. I packed my bag for the day almost a week early. I’ve read through the third week of training before even starting class for week 1. I won’t claim to understand a lot of it, but I’m trying.

This program goes above and beyond to ensure the safety of students. We learn about so many medical issues that can arise in a child. Then we learn how to take care of that issue if it arises. I know so much more about the infant/child’s body than I did two months ago. It’s crazy!

Now it’s time to put the skills I’ve read about into action. Yesterday I was only in the pool with my practice doll, Kellie Carson. I watched as my trainer did so many different methods of teaching with the doll and all I could do was pray that It starts to become natural to me quickly. I know I’m going to make mistakes. I know that mistakes are even expected of me. I just want to do well with this.

I feel the pressure of having so many people support me since I decided to do this. I promise all of you that I will not let you down. This is personal to me, so I will give it my best effort. I want to know that I’ve helped contribute to the skills that could save kids lives.

Thank you to everyone who has donated to the GoFundMe page. Thank you to the people who have bought t-shirts from me. Thank you for all the words of kindness and encouragement. It all means so much.

I’m going to continue to try and raise money for the cost of my training. So, if you would, please share this link. Even if you can’t donate yourself…maybe someone who sees your share will be able to. I promise to make you guys proud and I’m truly grateful for all of the love and support of Kiddnation.

www.gofundme.com/shanon

Here's Kellie Carson...

The check has been written...six years after it all began

I’ve been begging you guys to help me pay for the training cost to become an Infant Swim Resource instructor for a while now. We’ve made progress, but I’ve still got a long ways to go. So, if you can donate, please do so at www.GoFundMe.com/shanon

Yesterday was the 6^th anniversary of Ethan and Rolando’s death. I think I had so much anxiety leading up to the day that yesterday I was kind of out of it. Not numb to it, but in a place where I didn’t know what to think or feel. I still feel overwhelming guilt and confusion about all of it. It’s hard to explain all of the stuff that continues to go through my head. I see images of the night the accident happened. I see Orlando, my brother in law, kneeling next to the casket at the viewing for hours on end. I see the people who were at the ER before me looking helpless when I walked in. So many things that I don’t think will ever go away.

It’s amazing to me to think about the impact that Ethan made in his short life. When everything happened I couldn’t think of any reason for him to be gone. I still can’t think of too many reasons, but there’s one that has recently been brought to my attention.

It’s summertime and there are WAY too many stories of drowning deaths in Texas. When my sister moved back to Texas from Maui, one of the first things we talked about was enrolling Jake in swimming lessons. Thank goodness she knew about ISR lessons because their method and theory in teaching kids is different than any other organization.

I took Jake to his lessons every day and was in shock of his progress. I was so motivated by the work that his teacher did that I decided to become an instructor, too. That’s where Ethan comes back into play.

I have a job that no other person in the world has; I have the ability to reach so many people because of my job with the show. How awesome is that? You guys have helped me through the worst days of my life. You have supported me and shown so much love…even though we’ve probably never even met. We’re like the biggest non-blood related, spread throughout the world family of all time. And I’m one of the chosen people to be in your lives even though we may never have an in person interaction. There’s a lot to be said for that.

I know that news of drowning is pretty widely spread, but here’s the difference in my story and a random news story you see or hear about. We have some sort of unspoken connection that makes my story somehow personal to you. I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they mourned the loss of my nephew with my family. People who could have blown it off and went on about their day, but they (you) didn’t. You felt things with me. That’s truly amazing.

Ethan was born into our huge family. He didn’t really understand that, but he didn’t have to. He just was. And with that, his death impacted so many lives. I’ve gotten messages from tons of people saying that his story motivated them to enroll their kids in the swim lessons they’ve been putting off. In his death, Ethan saved a lot of lives.

That’s truly special. And maybe that finally gives a reason to why it happened. Maybe Ethan was born into our family to save other lives. He did that. He continues to do that. I will help him do that by becoming an ISR instructor.

It’s hard to accept that something good came from the death of my baby, Ethan, but it did. It’s my true hope that I can help families never realize the pain that my family did through being an ISR instructor.

I know I’ve gone on and on about these lessons, but you guys…I promise you that it is worth your attention. These lessons are so detail oriented and specific to each and every child. It’s seriously amazing. They put so much effort into understanding the A&P of infants and children, behavior reinforcement, the role of parents during the lessons, and their overall learning process…I’m in awe of the amount of specific effort that goes into each and every student. I’m excited to be a part of that.

Full disclosure on this…I’m starting training on August 14. I got a loan to pay for the training tuition because I needed to pay in order to even schedule my six week training session. I’ve been reading my study material for a few days now and it’s so compelling and deep, but it all makes so much sense to me. I’m so excited to start on this next venture in my life, but now I have a big loan to pay back. So, I will ask again, if you’re able to donate, please do so. You will be helping carry on Ethan’s legacy and save lives.

www.GoFundMe.com/shanon

What does this training entail? I get one on one instruction from one of the best trainers in the world. I will be in the pool five days a week and then do classroom work on Saturdays. I will be one of less than 1,000 ISR instructors in the nation once I become certified. What an honor!

I would not choose to invest so much money into something that I wasn't 100% dedicated to and sure about. I will have tro rearrange my time with Jake while I do the training, which is the one thing I'm hesitant about. However, it's not forever and I owe this to Ethan. I owe it to myself. I owe it to everyone who has been with me since July 13, 2011 when we lost my Ethan in a drowning accident. If you can help in any way...either by donating or sharing the link...I would be so grateful. I don't need a ton of huge donations. I just need a lot of small ones that will really add up.

Thank you guys again for everything. I cannot express my gratitude enough. 

He did it! I'm overwhelmed with pride.

I’m so excited, you guys. Jake finished his ISR swim lessons on Friday and he passed all of his skills!

I don’t expect many people to know a lot about these classes, so let me tell you about them. We would go to lessons for five days a week. Each lesson was a maximum of ten minutes. Why? Because these babies work really hard and that’s all they have the attention span and energy for.

The drive to his lesson took about 45 minutes each day…all for ten minutes with his instructor in the water. I never minded the time, though, because it will save his life if he ever falls into a pool.

I cannot explain to you the pride and overwhelming sense of joy I felt when I saw Jake doing his tests last week. This kid can now float and keep his head above water no matter what he’s wearing. 

Whether it’s a swim diaper and trunks, trunks and shoes, a full summer clothes outfit, or a full winter clothing outfit, he can stay safe. How insanely cool is that?

I got to get in the water with him on Friday to learn the proper way to reinforce what he’s learned and it was great. He was happy and smiling and excited to be in the water. I got to see and experience his confidence for the first time and it was crazy great. So worthwhile.

I’ve been telling you guys that I want to become an ISR instructor for about a month now. I’m doing it! I have interviewed, gotten my background check done, filled out a contract, signed all the papers they need me to sign, and now I just wait for a trainer to become available. This is my dream come true.

There’s been the GoFundMe page set up and people have been helping to cover the cost of the training. I am SO grateful to everyone who has helped. Thank you! I’m still far from my goal, though, so please…if you can donate, please do. And please share this link.

www.gofundme.com/shanon

I have talked about losing my nephew, Ethan, a lot in the past. I don’t need to tell you how much that loss has impacted me. I probably wouldn’t be as passionate about doing these lessons if it weren’t for him.

I do have something to share with you that I’ve never shared before. I’ve not shared it because I didn’t think of it this way. Sara gave me a card last week that talked about a whole new perspective on things and it’s worth sharing.

You have to wonder about the reasons why things happen the way that they do and, a lot of times, there’s no logical answer to those questions. That’s been the case with the accident that took the lives of Ethan and his grandpa, Rolando. Why would something so horrific happen to my family? My sister and her husband don’t deserve that kind of grief. The Pacheco’s didn’t deserve to lose their husband, father, grandpa, etc. when Mr. Pacheco passed away.

Here’s what Sara said to me that really hit home. Maybe Ethan’s life was meant to be largely defined by his death. That kid touched more lives and made more of an impact in his 2.5 years than a lot of people do in 75 or 100 years. He taught us love, patience, kindness, the true meaning of innocence, and so many other valuable lessons.

However, since his passing, I truly think that he has saved lives. With the story of his death, he encouraged parents who had been putting off swim lessons for their kids to finally bite the bullet and enroll them. He taught families that accidents happen even when a child is with an adult, so we should do whatever we can to keep our kids safe. He inspired me to want to help kids learn to save themselves in water. Ethan wasn’t born into just any family…he was born into mine.

Here’s why that matters. Not very many people have the platform or reach that I do from working on this show. I shared my story. Kidd and the crew talked about what happened. We grieved together and, with that, people learned about the importance of water safety. We can continue that with me teaching these lessons.

I don’t know what happened that night that led to Ethan and Rolando both losing their lives. I’ve been to a psychic to see if I could get an answer, but I didn’t. Here’s my belief. Whatever happened that night had a purpose and that was to save lives. Ethan has saved many lives through his passing. I know that he was on this earth for the reasons that every baby is born, but his purpose was a greater one. His legacy lives on and continues to save lives. I hope he’s up in Heaven smiling down on every parent who has used my family’s story to enroll their kids in ISR or other swim lessons.

I know that a lot of you are sick of hearing me beg for help to do this ISR training class. To all of you, I’m sorry. This is so important to me that I’m OK with putting myself out there, probably sounding pathetic at times, asking for your help and support. I need to do this to help my own heart heal. I need to help other families keep their babies safe. This is such a big deal to me.

I know that there are so many worthy causes out there. I read about them every day. I understand if you would rather put your money towards something you’re equally as passionate about. If you can and are willing to help pay the cost of my ISR tuition, though, here’s what I can promise you.

I promise to help as many low income kids as possible once my training is complete. I promise to use my platform to continue to encourage water safety with kids until people stop listening. I promise to make Ethan proud and to show that our loss is helping prevent the loss of other babies. He deserves to know that he made a huge impact on lives in his short life.

I’m going to quit this begging session now. I truly hope that you will help and share my page. I start training in August…I need to reach my goal!

www.gofundme.com/shanon